A Valentine’s Gift For All Y’all Namby Pamby Bitchwad Dickwits

The number one complaint readers bring to my attention is “why are you always so angry? Why can’t you write about something positive?”

The answer is because most of humanity (I’m using that word loosely here) sucks.

The second most common complaint is “why do you hate on Valentine’s day so much? Is it because you’re single?”

I may have mentioned my disdain for this goddessforsaken holiday once or twice, and I ain’t fittin to reiterate that shit, so the short answer is I hate what mainstream society considers “romance”.

To me, romance is knowing your SO hates flowers, stuffed animals, and jewelry, and would much rather prefer you wash dishes, fold a load of laundry, or scoop the litter box a few days throughout the year, even when it’s not “your turn”.

Or memorizing my Chipotle order, packing me a bowl, starting the coffee pot, just little things that indicate you’ve been paying attention.

But since y’all want me to write about something “positive”, here are ten things I love, in order from least to most:

10 ) That new pussy-friendly bubble bath

9 ) Duct tape

Replace loose sockets?! What, are you made of money? #DuctTape #RedneckRepairs #Redneckognize

Replace loose sockets?! What, are you made of money? #DuctTape #RedneckRepairs #Redneckognize

No insurance, no ace bandage; No problem! Use on ankle socks so they'll slide off easier and you won't have to waste more duct tape when you shower.

No insurance, no ace bandage; No problem! Use on ankle socks so they’ll slide off easier and you won’t have to waste more duct tape when you shower.

Headache? Aspirin's for liberals and Europeans. #DuctTape

Headache? Aspirin’s for liberals and Europeans.
#DuctTape

8 ) Fiscal responsibility in general. There’s nothing sexier than using coupons on a first date. Even if you don’t have your shit together now, it shows you’re planning for the future.

7) Tater tots, wine, hot sauce, and Big Mama’s pickles tied for #7

This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. #Homemade #pickles

This is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. #Homemade #pickles

6) Cheerwine, diet Dr Pepper, and diet coke, tied for #6

5) Jamberry and nail art in general

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4 ) Coffee!!! And bullet journal.

3 ) Cosmetology and writing tied for third.

Write or Dye

2 ) Cannabis *ahem* “alternative shrubbery”.

1 ) Family, whether by blood, or by choice, whether two legged or four, feathered or furry, I couldn’t be more blessed with my tribe 🙂

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me and dad 2

me and craig

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JrJr and Bubba

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Honest Valentines for Those You Tolerate

I’ve made my disdain for this goddess forsaken holiday abundantly clear here, here, and here, so since my mom is always saying be PROactive, not REactive, instead of bemoaning how much today sucks, here’s a collection of Valentines for those you tolerate.

You’re welcome.

grumpy vday 1

grumpy vday 2

grumpy vday 4

grumpy vday 5grumpy vday 6

And for the ones you more than tolerate:

honest vday cards

vday 2

vday 3

And for the REAL cause of celebration:

vday 6 half price candy

Those folks at Hallmark must be kicking their own asses for not hiring me when they had the chance! Too late now, bitches!

Fuck Valentine’s Day III and Easy Vegan Crack Coffee

I’ve made my opinion of this goddess forsaken holiday abundantly clear here, here, and here, and this year’s no different.

I couldn’t be happier about my freedom to fuck whoever I want,

but as usual, my news feed is filled with tales of woe by single folks, so here’s a tale to boost your spirits, (or at least boost your self esteem):

The year was 2010, unbeknownst to me, my husband had been cheating with a 19 year old waffle house waitress (because my life is one big Jeff Foxworthy joke) and thus began a weightlifting regime in order to impress his young mistress.

Valentine’s day fell on a Sunday that year, and though I was usually off on Sundays, I had to be at work at 9:30 am to paint the hooves of a coven of mini-van driving, skort wearing, soccer mom, bitchbiscuits who assumed the tips were included in the spa packages.

Y’all know the type; the ones with stick figure family and soccer ball decals on their Chrysler town & country, complain tattoo’d folks ruin the “high end spa experience” (Bitch, we were in a strip mall next to a rent-a-center!), give all wives of LEOs and Military a bad rap by bragging about their husbands’ status (for fuck’s sake, just say you’re unemployed.), and have standing weekly mani-pedi appointments so they can bemoan how little “me-time” they have, though they obviously have at least six free hours a month and two free hours a day to maintain this haircut:

Photo stolen from weknowmemes.com

Anywho, my alarm was set at the very last fucking minute because I’ll be goddamned if I was gonna make an effort to look nice for these cuntcakes.

Fifteen minutes before my alarm was set to go off, my husband woke me up by nudging me and instructing me to keep my eyes closed. I was annoyed, but I knew he had a 5 am gym session, and figured since it was valentine’s day, he’d surprised me with a pumpkin spice soy latte (I’m half white, SHUT UP!), so humoring him, I sat up in bed.

“Now open” he said.

I opened my eyes to find nary a latte, but my husband with his sweatpants down around his ankles.

“What the ever lovin fuckity fuck?!” I asked.

He responded “Check out my quads.”

Allow me to reiterate; my gift from my husband was the opportunity to feast my eyes upon the same hairy hamburger meat loins I saw every fucking day.

“It can’t possible get any worse!” you say? You haven’t been following this blog long.

He then turned around, dropped his draws, and said “now check out my glutes!”.

Don’t get me wrong, I had always instructed him not to buy me valentine’s day gifts, and I wasn’t expecting one, but I was also expecting to sleep for another fifteen fucking minutes!

FYI; future potential suitors, do NOT wake me up unless either I’m in immanent danger, or you’re presenting me with a vegan latte.

My sister-in-law is addicted to the frozen lattes sold at 7/11 she dubbed “crack coffee”, but has since developed lactose intolerance and was going through withdrawals until I introduced her to homemade crack coffee.

 This recipe is adapted from The BrokeAss Gourmet and can be enjoyed hot or cold.

Per serving:

Hot latte:

4 oz strong brewed coffee (I use 4 T per 6oz water and freeze the leftovers for cold lattes)

1 cup vegan milk, heated in microwave until boiling (I always buy unsweetened. My favorites in order; cashew, almond, coconut, soy)

1 T sweetener of choice (optional) (I like dates, but table sugar, splenda, agave nectar, or flavored syrup work well)

Option add ins:

1 T coconut oil (makes it “milkier” and great for your skin)

1 T chia or flax seeds (great way to add protein, but also add sliminess :/ )

1 t extract (vanilla, almond, maple, mint; whatever you like)

Add all ingredients to blender and blend the fuck out of it for three minutes.

Cold latte:

4 frozen coffee cubes

1 cup vegan milk

1 T sweetener

1/2 banana (optional)

1-2 T peanut butter

Chocolate syrup

Same optional add ins as hot latte

Blend until smooth.

Oh, and I haven’t forgotten about you hopeless romantics out there, here’s a selection of realistic valentines for the ones you tolerate, from Niktorious NIK:

And for my fellow lesbians:

Fuck Valentines Day II

I’ve written on my disdain of this godforsaken holiday before, but this year it seems people are really depressed about being single on Valentine’s day. Here’s a list of reasons to be happy you’re single today 🙂

1) Even if you had a significant other, this day would probably still be a huge disappointment. For example, the first V-day I had a boyfriend, I thought he’d “plan something” (I was only 19, give me a break!), I met him at his work on his lunch break and brought homemade lasagna, we exchanged cards, and then we each went back to work. When I got off work at 7 pm, I called him to see what he had “planned”  and he said “Ummmm…. derrrrrr…. didn’t we already have lunch? It’s getting too late to do anything”. Too late?! It was 7 pm! Subsequent V-days with him somehow managed to be even bigger disappointments.

2) You have no one to judge you for being a complete slob today (or any other day)! Own your train wreck life on the hot mess express! It has been my experience that when I’m coupled up, I have to occasionally practice hygiene and wear pants, but as a single lady, I can stay in my footy pajamas, drink wine straight out the box, smoke til I forget I exist, cry and watch Lifetime movies with my cats while eating a pallet of Cap’n Crunch with nobody to stare at me disapprovingly and ask if I plan on doing anything “productive”.

3) Love songs are just ridonkulous. Especially anything by Brian Adams. If you can “see the unborn children in her eyes” it doesn’t mean you love her, it means you have bad aim.

4) Being in a relationship is expensive! Take the money you’d spend on a V-day gift for someone else and buy yourself something. I took myself on a chipotle date this morning 🙂

5) Sexy lingerie is just stupid. Really, what is so sexy about creating a bridge between your asshole and your hot pocket with some fancy fabric? There’s a reason our mamas taught us to wipe front to back and when you wear a thong, ass germs are hopping on and sliding into the front wreaking all sorts of havoc. Guess what? If you’re a single lady like me, no one’s expecting you to wear that shit!

6) How often is it that a couple agrees on the same type of music? If I never hear another Conway Twitty, Johnny Cash, Nickleback, or Gretchen Wilson song again, I’ll die happy. I’m too cheap to actually buy music, but right now, I’m listening to my heart’s content of Heart, Queen, Salt-N-Peppa, Green Day, Dixie Chicks, Boy George, and Cyndi Lauper on Youtube. Unfortunately, there’s no Prince on youtube, or I’d be blasting Sexy Motherfucker right now.

Thank you for reading and enjoy the rest of your day as the sexy motherfucking god(dess) you are 🙂

Puffy, Potatoey, Pillows of Heaven, AKA Vegan Samosas

Things I hate:

1) New Year’s resolutions

2) The type of people who make New Year’s resolutions

3) Valentine’s day

4) People who like Valentine’s day

Things I love:

1)Being a vegan

2) Eating carbs

3) Eating salty stuff (gigity)

4) Baking (both in the sense of making pastries, and getting high)

Now the question is how to simultaneously spite the things I hate and enjoy the things I love. These samosas are perfect! They’re high in carbs and salt which is a big FUCK YOU to resolutions and they’re easy to eat several of in one sitting which makes them perfect for Valentine’s day, which I plan on celebrating with my special lady friend, Mary Jane 😀

Much to my mom’s chagrin, I have yet to master the fine art of pie crust, so I use wonton wrappers. They can be found in the produce department, usually with the salad dressings.

Vegan Samosas:

1 package wonton wrappers

2 T Olive or coconut oil (I like coconut, it brings out the curry flavor)

1 small sweet onion, diced

1 teaspoon turmeric

1/2-1 teaspoon cayenne pepper (optional, omit if you don’t like heat)

Salt and freshly ground black pepper

2″ chunk of fresh ginger, either peeled and minced, or shredded on microplane (If using microplane, there’s no need to peel)

3-6 cloves of garlic either minced or shredded on a microplane (depending on how much you love garlic)

1 small russet potato (about the size of a computer mouse)

1 cup frozen peas

Additional salt and pepper to taste

Additional oil for brushing the tops of samosas.

Cilantro lime dipping sauce (recipe follows)

Preheat oven to 400 degrees, in a medium skillet, heat oil on medium-low and add onions and spices (Adding the spices now helps the onions taste “onionier” and mellows the bitterness in the turmeric and cayenne. The great thing about vegan cooking is you can taste as you go along without fear of salmonella and adjust spices accordingly) saute for ten minutes, reduce heat if onion starts to brown, meanwhile, “bake” potato in the microwave on high for 5 minutes then place in a bowl of ice water (this will help the peel slip off easier) add garlic and ginger and cook for 2 more minutes, add peeled potato and mash in the pan using either the spatula or a potato masher, remove from heat and add frozen peas and stir to combine. Taste  and add more salt and pepper if needed as potatoes tend to neutralize saltiness. Place 1 teaspoon of filling in the center of a wonton wrapper (1 teaspoon sounds like a tiny amount, but filling expands as it cooks and you don’t want it oozing out of it’s wrapper), using either a pastry brush, or your finger, trace the perimeter of the wonton wrapper with water to help seal the samosa, and fold in half diagonally, fold in the tabs if desired (My dad likes for every bite to have the same proportion of wrapper to filling, so I fold the tabs in. He’s an engineer- ’nuff said.) place prepared samosas on a lightly oiled cookie sheet, folded side down, and brush lightly with oil to help them get crispy. Bake for 20-25 minutes and allow to cool for 10 minutes before eating. Serve with cilantro lime dipping sauce. Makes approximately 50 samosas.

Cilantro Lime Dipping Sauce: 

1/2 bunch fresh cilantro (no need to remove stems), rinsed (to rinse, fill a bowl with cold water and swish cilantro around, shake to dry)

A few sprigs of fresh mint, optional

1/2 cup EVOO

Juice and zest of 1 lime

2-3 cloves garlic

1″ chunk of ginger

1 fresh jalapeno (if you’re not a pussy)

juice and zest of 1 lime

2 teaspoons sugar

Salt and Pepper

Place all ingredients in a blender or food processor and blend until smooth and cilantro is in tiny specks. Can be made up to three days ahead.

I’m a cook and a writer, not a photographer, but I promise they taste better than they look!