Fake Tits Fake Lesbianism And Other Fan Mail

Firstly, apologies for the run-on title, punctuation confuses google searches.

As predicted, this post angered fuckboys and generated “civil discourse” in the form of calling me a cunt.

I replied to my favorites in the video below, (Don’t forget to subscribe!) but first, I’m going to address the misogyny behind insulting women and non-binary folks by accusing us of being “fake”.

Re: Fake Tits

Unrealistic beauty standards set by mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging fuckboys aside, it’s none of your goddamned business what anyone chooses to do with their body.

Stop assuming women get implants for male attention. What women do is rarely about impressing you. Grow the fuck up, get some hobbies other than harassing feminist bloggers, and stop obsessing over the actions of women who neither know nor care about your existence. Better yet, educate yourselves so that maybe one day a woman will spend time with you on her own volition.

I don’t owe anyone an explanation for the way I look, but I will say I’m broke as fuck, my credit is shit, and implants start at around $6000; if I had that kinda money to blow on frivolities, I’d spend it on tattoos, weed, some of those fancy ass tater tots from Sticky Rice, fancy duct tape, and adding more sequins to my wardrobe.  🙂

Box of tea from Sam's Club + fancy duct tape = a sewing box that won't leave kids disappointed when they realize there are no cookies :)

Box of tea from Sam’s Club + fancy duct tape =
a sewing box that won’t leave kids disappointed when they realize there are no cookies 🙂

Re: Fake Lesbianism

Notice how cis-men are never accused of pretending to be gay for attention?

That’s because fuckboys fancy themselves fuckable by everyone and their ego is too fragile to entertain the idea that the rest of us don’t want to fuck them, thus we must be faking for their precious attention.

Yet these same basement dwelling neckbeards are quick to hurl “dyke” at hetero women who reject them. In their tiny dickbrains, all women are either dykes because we want to fuck them, or dykes because we don’t.

finished rainbow boobs

I have a pretty face and perky tits; I ain’t gotta do shit for male attention, so again, stop assuming everything is about you. It is NO ONE’S place to define someone else’s orientation. We all have our suspicions about the sexual preferences of others, and yes, I’m annoyed by “party trick lesbians”, but being annoyed doesn’t entitle one to questioning another’s identity. Where I come from, we have manners, so if you’re annoying, but ain’t hurtin nobody, we’ll just talk about you behind your back like the fucking ladies we are 😉

Yes, I understand women do this too, watch the damn video!

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Menper Mantrum

New addition to the niktionary; menper mantrum:

A mantrum, a menper mantrum or a hissy fit is an emotional outburst, usually associated with children, that is typically characterized by stubbornness, crying, screaming, defiance, angry ranting, a resistance to attempts at pacification and, in some cases, even hitting.

Yes, I copied and pasted the definition of temper tantrum here as there’s no need to edit in order to insinuate the phrase is used to refer to men’s rights “activists”.

I know this is supposed to be a vegan recipe blog, but there’s such an epidemic of overly sensitive, entitled, butthurt males on the rag filling my news feed with manses glurge, it is my civic duty to pick up where their parents left off.

Jovan Biggers

If you watched trashy talk shows in the 90s, you might have noticed a recurring theme of “bad teens” who entered the stage covered in large flake body glitter, twerking in their draws, and shouting “ANDWHATEVERYOUDONTKNOWMEIDOWHATIWONT!!!”, (don’t get me started on how it was only girls shamed into submission, that’s a post for another day). Their mothers boo-hooed, Sally Maury Jenny called Officer Beulah in to regulate, girls promptly get their shit together.

The reason the girls shut the fuck up for Officer Beulah is because she is the first adult to enforce discipline; they’ve never faced consequences at home, so they’re unsettled and unprepared for how to respond.

That’s what’s wrong with “meninists”; they’re used to being coddled, served, and having their way, so when they’re called out on their entitled prickish behavior, they don’t know how to react. Thanks to the internet, once they’ve faced a consequence for their misogyny, they can go home, set up hundreds of troll accounts (because they’re sure as fuck not busy dating), and sass to their hearts content. Though, I don’t know why they bother; they’re all the same and incapable of original thoughts.

 

-Every MRA ever

-Every MRA ever.  meme credit; Tasteless Lady 🙂

 mra logic 4

This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t bother; the more we anger them, the more time they spend writing “rape” in the comments of feminist posts, the less likely they are to find women willing to carry their spawn, and the sooner they die out.

mra logic 3

This is where I usually break down the fuckery phrase by phrase, but the derp is so heavy I’m gonna have to go with fuckboy translated to English format:

Jovan Biggers

“I’m exploiting the struggles of my foremothers in a vain attempt to shame women into respecting my self given authori-Thai.

I take up much more space than I deserve because my tiny shriveled nutsack should have more rights than women.

As a white, hetero, cis-male, I am determined to win the gold medal at the oppression Olympics.

I brag about how much I’m not offended by anything whilst whining in the comments of anything social justice related about how offended I am that others are offended by something not personally offensive to me because as a special special snowflake, I have the final say on the emotions of others.

I have absolutely nothing going for me as far as looks, intelligence, humor, or wit, and I’m not willing to improve myself, thus my only means of female attention is by harassment.

I can improve my appearance greatly by simply taking a shower and wearing the slacks mom pressed for me instead of holey sweatpants, but I’d rather blame women for my unfuckability.

Thanks to feminism, women are starting to realize they deserve better than an abusive scrub such as myself, and once my mom kicks the bucket, who’s gonna tie my shoes, wipe my ass, and heat my bagel bites?

Grandma bought me a dictionary for Christmas and I’m looking up big fancy words to supplement my meager vocabulary and impress friends I don’t have.

I’m projecting the pain from past rejections onto women by loudly proclaiming I have no respect for them, which is pointless because women who reject me do so because they respect themselves and seek approval from no one.

I am so desperate to be a victim, I make the victimization of others about me.

Why doesn’t anyone acknowledge my precious manfeelz?!”

BUT I DON'T WANNA GET ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT!!!

BUT I DON’T WANNA GET ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT!!!

I don’t even know what the fuck “milk of human kindness” is supposed to mean, but homeboy could use some milk of magnesia to help dislodge the stick from his ass and soothe his burning butthurt.

Stolen from Feminist Atheist

Stolen from Feminist Atheist

Dealing with Males During Their *Ahem* “Gentleman Time”

Ever wonder what it would sound like if women talked about cis-males the same way cis-males talk about women/LGBT people? You’re welcome:

I’ve had the WORST day ever! OMG, y’all won’t even believe this shit!

So first, I stopped for breakfast on my way to work, and all I did was ask the prick taking my order to smile for me because it would make him more attractive, and he was a total douche about it! Like he didn’t realize he owes beauty to the world.

Cowboy hats are the closest we have to male birth control.

Cowboy hats are the closest we have to male birth control. After age 12 or so, playing pretend isn’t cute anymore, it’s just plain sad 😦

Whatev, he won’t that cute anyway. Probably some twinkle toes who’s never experienced a vagina as magical and special as mine. My vagina tastes like barbecue and is lined in lucky charms marshmallows. I’ve turned sooooo many gay dudes straight and they always talk about how huge my vagina is. I’ve had hundreds of three-ways with gay dudes. Gay dudes be begging for a piece of this yumyum chocolate (swirl) chip, honey dipped!!! #Shoop #SnP #PlatinumPu$$y!!

ADD moment; Whatever became of Big Twan? He was so hot for a tall dude. Not the greatest rapper though. I can accurately assess all men are bad at rapping based on this one dude who rapped one line in a song written and sung by women and never got anymore gigs.

Then at work, I had to ask my coworker at least four times to fetch my coffee, and when he finally brought it, he had such an attitude! It was almost like he felt I wasn’t entitled to shit just because I happen to be a woman. He’s a slut anyway. Ain’t a pussy alive he ain’t been in. If he doesn’t respect himself, why should I respect him?

THEN, I got home and left several comments on a Facebook meme having fuck all to do with me, posted by a page having fuck all to do with me, inquiring as to why this had fuck all to do with me, and nobody gave a fuck about what I had to say! Like, what even makes these pants feel so entitled to create pages that exclude women?! How is that “equality”?! Probably a bunch of single dads mooching off their baby mamas and the government. Most of them don’t even know who their baby mama is. Losers need to get a damn job.

The least of what's wrong with this bullshit is "dilute". The word this dickwad's looking for is "delude", as in don't delude yourself into thinking any woman wants or needs your sorry ass. "Dilute" means to make thinner or weaker, as in what dickwad's baby mama did with his balls.

The least of what’s wrong with this bullshit is “dilute”. The word this dickwad’s looking for is “delude”, as in don’t delude yourself into thinking any woman wants or needs your sorry ass. “Dilute” means to make thinner or weaker, as in what dickwad’s baby mama did with his balls.

vasectomy

Zander Guzman comment

It was then I figured it out; they must all be going through their monthly gentleman time, AKA, manses.

"Poor me, I have a flu just like all the women at my office who STILL DO THEIR FUCKING JOB WHEN SICK! But I'm a special snowflake becuase I have man-flu :'( :'(

“Poor me, I have a flu just like all the women at my office who STILL DO THEIR FUCKING JOB WHEN SICK! But I’m a special snowflake becuase I have man-flu 😥 😥

Though I’m a grown-ass adult living in a first world country with internet access and a reasonable amount of down time, I can’t be bothered to spend three minutes googling basic cis-male biology and anatomy. It’s safe to assume when they get bitchy with us, it’s due to some sort of monthly-ish reoccurring phenomenon of which us ladies need to learn nothing about lest other ladies think us less womanly.

But I do know one thing; you should never trust something that ejaculates brain cells several times a week and doesn’t die. Also, EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GROSSS!!! UGH! They just leave tissues in the wastebasket for the whole world to see! And why do they always have to talk about it?! Some things should be kept to yourself!

Wait… you don’t think they do that in the shower, do they? He BETTER not be doing *shudders* that in my shower! This is why building codes should make lady-dens womandatory in all dwellings. We need an escape from their ejaculatory emotions! I can hear sugarnuts in the next room crying over a football game! I though football was something trousers like? Why do they like things that make them cry?! They’re so confusing!

Speaking of confusing, what do they pee out of? They only have two holes, so how does that even work? Judging by my toilet seat, it must be the front one because they obviously don’t sit, but that’s sooooOOOOoooo disgusting! Especially if they don’t wax down there! #BARF

Anywho, here’s a step by step guide to dealing with your PMS stricken dude:

1) Start with rational dialogue and demand civil discourse.

Fuckboy Zander

Zander fuckery

2) Failing that, use logic.

Bitch Zander

Gotta love how fuckboys feel entitled to schooling women on how to properly be a member of a community aimed at helping WOMEN. How tiny must Zander’s swizzle stick be? You can buy a dick at walgreen’s these days, so there’s really no reason for penis envy in 2016.

3) Try humor to diffuse the situation.

 

Hahahaha

 

 

Better super-size it :)

Better super-size it 🙂

feminism 2

4) Perhaps fuckboy just needs a fresh masculine hygiene product; suggest this to him gently.

masculine hygiene product

5) Failing all these tactics, cease conversation, give your old boy time to calm down, and then surprise him by having a bouquet of motor oil and a box of steaks delivered to his work. He’ll squeal with delight and be the envy of the entire garage!

Maybe record tonight’s episode of cupcake wars and take him out for a romantic evening at the junkyard instead. If you really want to impress him, use the aristocratic pronunciation “joonkyerd”. Just don’t be surprised if he’s feeling frisky afterwards 😉 🙂

Advice from a New Age, Bitter, SINGLE, “Brawd”

We all have that Facebook “friend”; the whiny fuckboy who can’t figure out why he’s single. Though he’s fathered a litter of youngins with a bevy of baby mamas, he calls any woman who *dares* enjoy sex a “whore”. The type of guy who expects a trophy for doing the bare minimum to care for his kids, but vilifies single moms.  The overgrown toddler who posts shit like this:

Jesus Tap Dancing Christ on a raft and Dale Earnhardt Sr! What in the actually fuckity fuck did I just read?!

“Spoil him!!!”

Excessive punctuation aside, spoiling should be mutual, and never demanded, regardless of relationship dynamics.

“House a mess- clean it!”

Who made the mess? Housework will never be 50/50, no two people will ever have the same standards of cleanliness, but expecting your partner to clean up behind you is dickish.

“His clothes dirty- wash them!”

Unless his clothes were dirtied from having his kidney stolen, saving a kitten from a burning building, saving a puppy from drowning, being stabbed after thwarting the mugging of an elderly person, or jumping in front of a bullet aimed at you, fuckboy can wash his own damn clothes.

“He had a long day- rub his back and give him some head!”

Welcome to adulthood! No one’s entitled to sex because they “had a long day”. Shit like this is emblematic of rape culture and why we have defense lawyers arguing “but my client had been working long days, and the plaintiff hadn’t been fulfilling her wifely duties when he engaged in forceful intercourse!”

“He’s stressed??- STFU, let him be, and pray for him!”

Dear Jesus,

If it is not your wish for me to disembowel this motherfucker with a crochet hook, send me no sign whatsoever!

Amen

But seriously, your partner should never feel afraid to speak, I don’t give a flying, furry, fuck, how “stressed” you are. Drive around the block a few times to calm down before coming home, and then smoke a bowl together and go to taco bell, but don’t shut your partner out.

“There’s nothing wrong with catering to your man!”

IF he’s worth being catered to, and if he’s posting this shit, he ain’t.

“Don’t let some new age bitter, SINGLE brawd tell you otherwise!!!”

I have no idea what a “new age bitter” or a “brawd” is, but why is “single” in all caps? Like that’s the worst thing a woman can be? Since when is being called “single” an insult? What you’re really saying is “You’re so damn confident you don’t even need a man to validate you! And you’re completely unfazed when I resort to attacks on your appearance!”

My new and improved meme:

fixed it 2