Ten Most Willfully Ignorant Fuckwitted Dickwads of 2015

Firstly, if you’re wondering about my run-on titles, it’s because punctuation and symbols make blog posts less googlable. I apologize for any incon  no I don’t. I don’t apologize for shit. Get the fuck over it.

Moving right along…

Unless you’ve been trapped in the most extreme Duggar-esque circumstances, you have access to information, therefor ignorance is a choice.

I was born and raised in a region of the country that still reenacts a war we LOST, and had to outlaw snake handling.

I repeat, the government had to get involved to stop folks from playing with poisonous snakes.

SNAKES!!!

I went to a school where hunting was an excused absence (though my endocrinologist’s appointments, necessary to manage my T1D, were not) and our middle school Valentine’s dance had a daycare center. (<– I might be exaggerating there, but only a little bit!)

For most of my life, I’ve suffered from debilitating technophobia; I failed computer basics 101 twice at a 2 year school I attended for 4 years, (and still never earned a degree). I didn’t have an email or any social media accounts until 2010, and even then I had an @aol address, and my BFF set up and ran my Facebook. I didn’t own a smart phone until 2014, and that was only because my grandma decided to upgrade to an iphone and gave me her droid. (Thanks again, Grandma!)

Anywho, my point is, if I can manage to educate myself, so can these fuckers. Here are the 10 most willfully ignorant, fuckwitted dickwads of 2015 in no particular order.

10) Starner Jones. I know his letter to the editor is several years old, but 2015 is coming to an end, and he’s still standing by this shit, claiming he’s “far from privileged” and “hung with the right crowd and applied himself”. Guess what, assclown, if you had the option of a “right crowd”, you’re fucking privileged. Your best reviews are mediocre 3 stars, so congratulations on “applying” yourself to be average.

9) This cuntcake. Her fuckery gained nationwide attention in 2013, and she has continued to double down on the ignorance into 2015. At one point, Miss Thang threatened to sue Psychology Today (great page, btw, follow them!) for “copyright infringement” because they used her PUBLIC profile pic in an article on narcissism.

First, the photographer owns every photo they take, even if you’re the subject, so she was the first to commit “copyright infringement” by using it as a profile pic.

Second, when a reputable publication run by professional mental health experts sees fit to use you as an example of text book narcissism, and your response is “ZOMG! They didn’t ask to use my public profile pic! I’m gonna sue!”, you ain’t helping your case.

fit mom2

fit mom 4

fit mom3

8) Crossfit. Does anyone know a paleo-crossfitter who’s not an insufferable, sanctimonious, fuckstick? *Crickets* Yeah, that’s what I thought. Eat your porpoise jerky, be sad, and shut the fuck up.

Backwards hat? Reeealy? If you can look at this fuckbucket and not want to break shit, you should be canonized.

Backwards hat? Obvious veneers? Is there some sort of fuckboy emporium these losers shop at? If you can look at this fuckbucket geezer and not want to break shit, you should be canonized.

7) Assholiana Grandouche`. I have a general disdain for poptwats to begin with, but in addition to being a shitty artist, she’s a shitty human. How entitled must one feel to

a) Lick anything without consent, and

b) Blame it on obesity???

That’s even more fuckwitted than the Twinkie Defense, which saved Dan White’s ass from a murder conviction, so I shouldn’t be surprised Grandouche` is saved from any form of accountability. #WhyIHateAmerica #YeahISaidIt

Classy.

Classy.

Yeah, poptwat, you fucked up royally, but instead of hoping everyone forgets about it, try making amends. Reimburse the business owner, pay his health department fines, and for once in your pathetic existence, use your privilege and influence for something meaningful. Sponsor a girl scout troupe, or fund a community garden. Hell, color coordinating your bunny costumes would do more for society than your larynx diarrhea “music” ever could.

Taken without permission from hollywood.com

Taken without permission from hollywood.com

6) The vulvarly obsessed  Cathy Brennen and her vaginions. Plumbing doesn’t define a human. Even my 6 and 8 year old nephews understand some girls have “doodles” (I had nothing to do with their chosen genital terminology. That’s 1000% their mother’s doing.). It’s not a terribly difficult concept. 

5) The Duggars. All of them, but especially Jim Bob. Josh is unequivocally a predator, but Jim Bob created him, encouraged him, and enabled him.

As the self appointed “head of the household” by virtue of his dick (*head* of the household, gigity), it was his responsibility to prevent Josh’s fuckery. He not only refused Josh the help he needed, but was quick to find him a new victim and marry them off at 20 years old so she could start squatting out more victims.

Make no mistake about it; in the fucked up world of Gothard quiverfull, Anna never had a choice in any of this. Even now, she’s a grown ass 27 year old mother of four, and relegated to sleeping in the girls dorm at her in-laws cult compound. Why? Because independent bedrooms lead to independent thoughts, which lead to Christian rock music, pink lemonade, ladies’ slacks, and other forms of Satanism?

Seriously, can’t adult protective services step in?

4) Abigail Fisher.

I just can't with this bitch again right now. Moving right along...

I just can’t with this eyebrowless neanderthal  right now. It hurts to even try. Moving right along…

3) This fucker who had the grapenuts to whine to my boss. Who’d a thunk using the ‘N’ word in front of an angry biracial feminazi dyke would end badly?!

BTW, I took Big Mama and Big Daddy to a doctor’s appointment in Colonial Heights Va a couple weeks ago, and whadyaknow, they managed to not steal any cars or sell drugs. How peculiar…  Almost as if criminal behavior isn’t intrinsic to people of color… But probably disappointing to someone with a self-proclaimed “$500 a day blow habit”. “Blow” it out your flat ass, fuckboy.

PS, I’m still employed, and this loser’s been fired from 3 different jobs since. It’s only been THREE months! Oh, but it’s *totally* black people who are too lazy to hold down a job <sarcasm font>. And no, I had nothing to do with it. His own ignorant dumb fuckery did him in. #KarmaBeeYOTCH #HitsBlunt

2) This prick who’s somehow still my FB friend. I guess I was asking a lot by expecting him to read.

1) This Fuckboy. A friend of a FB friend who couldn’t even scroll past a feminist meme without throwing a hissy fit because his precious manfeelz were being ignored. And MRAs wonder why they’re single.

Why MRAs can't get a date

Stolen from As Seen on Tinder.

If I’ve forgotten anyone, please feel free to drop them in the comments!

As always, thanks for reading 🙂

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The Shampoo Girl Diaries; One Year Later & Vegan 7 Layer Taco Dip

I don’t know how the spa is doing. They may be facing bankruptcy or they may be booming. Either way, I don’t give a fuck because I am doing FABULOUSLY!

One year ago today I was unemployed,(after being fired from a job that I HATED!) making payments on a car that wasn’t even running, borrowing my mom’s ride to get around, living on my parent’s couch and just feeling worthless in general.

Today I have a job that I LOVE with no co-workers to whine about my undergarments (or lack thereof). It doesn’t pay a lot, but it helps fund what I REALLY want to do (write).

My car is back on the road, almost paid for ( I just made the 31st payment out of 60, that’s “almost”) and riding FABULOUSLY!

I’m 14lbs lighter, with NO boob shrinkage;)

I’ve met my idol (Dr. Rita Mae Brown) THREE times!

I’m single therefore I do pretty much whatever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want to do it (except naked Sundays. I do still live at home:/ But hey, that’s just less responsibility that I have:))

Why am I telling you this, you ask?

No fucking reason, I just felt like bragging:) J.K.

My point is that most periods of suckiness (it’s a word; look it up in the nictionary) are temporary. It doesn’t feel that way at the time, but it is.

There are times when I’m so depressed that I *gasp* don’t even feel like cooking!

I’m sure that you too, dear readers, feel the same way from time to time so while you’re waiting for things to get better, which they will,(or maybe they won’t. Maybe you killed a lot of people in a past life and you’re just now receiving your karmic retribution. I don’t fucking know) but whether things get better or not, you can always look forward to vegan 7 layer taco dip:)

Warning: This recipe makes a shit-ton of dip, so it’s best for when you’re either really depressed or need to make something quick and effortless for a pot-luck.

Even though I make this all the time, I always finish it before I can take a picture, which is probably a good thing as beans to not photograph well, but next time I make it, I will add a picture.

Layer 1 takes the longest (20-40 minutes, depending on if you use Boca crumbles* or lentils), but if you’re pressed for time, or just feeling lazy, it’s okay to skip and call it “Vegan 6 layer dip”.

What I love about this dip, other than it being insanely delicious (especially for being so quick an easy) is that it’s also cheap and versatile.

If you don’t like or can’t find one of the ingredients (like sour supreme*) you can just leave it out or replace it with more of another ingredient (like salsa).

This recipe is vegan, gluten free (leave out the sour supreme to make it soy free), contains a full serving of vegetables in addition to fiber, protein and “good” fats, and tastes even better on day 2. You can’t ask for more than that from a humble bean dish when you’re feeling like shit!

Of course, if you’re not feeling shitty, you can make all the layers from scratch and/or replace the canned beans with Dummus.

My good friend, Kate makes the BEST salsa and guacamole EVER and I will eventually shake her down until she agrees to be a guest blogger, but for now, I recommend Newman’s Own pineapple salsa*, and Wholly Guacamole*.

I’m not a fan of pre-mixed seasonings in general, but many packets of taco seasoning mix contain either dairy (in the form of dried milk) and/or MSG, which is known to cause headaches, so I make my own mix. For every 2 cups of protein (beans, boca crumbles or tofu) I use the following:

2-3 tablespoons chili powder

1 teaspoon cumin

1 teaspoon sugar

pinch of turmeric

salt & pepper

I don’t use garlic or onion powder because I prefer to use them fresh but if you don’t have them on hand, use 2 teaspoons of each.

And now the recipe:

Vegan 7 Layer Taco Dip 

1 can of re-fried beans (check the label as many brands contain lard) or 2 cups of dummus

2 tablespoons neutral tasting oil (light olive oil, peanut or canola)

taco seasoning mix (recipe above)

1 cup dried lentils or 1 package boca crumbles

2-3 cloves of garlic, minced

1 small sweet onion, diced

1 can rotel (tomatoes and chilis)

1 rotel can of water (if using lentils)

1 jar salsa

1 package wholly guacamole*

2 cups shredded cabbage (I use the pre-shredded coleslaw mix kind)

1 tub sour supreme or vegan sour cream of your choice*

1 small jar sliced black olives

tortilla chips for serving.

Step 1) In a microwave safe bowl, empty can of beans and nuke for one minute. Spread warm beans (or dummus) in the bottom of a large casserole dish or tupperware (I use the gladware that are shaped like shoe boxes)

step 2) Heat the oil over medium heat in a skillet for 1 minute. Add onions, garlic and spice mix and saute for 5-10 minutes, until onion are soft. If using boca crumbles, add now and saute for 10 minutes then add rotel and cook for 10 minutes more. If using lentils add them now along with rotel and water and simmer for 30 minutes . Spread crumbles or lentils over beans. Allow to cool for 10 minutes.

step 3) Spread the salsa over the second layer followed by guacamole, cabbage, and  vegan sour cream. Sprinkle sliced olives over sour cream and if you feel like getting fancy, add sliced jalapenos and cilantro as well. Serve with tortilla chips and your favorite box of wine.

4) put on your footy pajamas and snuggie, secure a cat or 2 in your lap and watch those 9 different court shows that you have DVR’d.

*I’ve found all of these items at both Kroger and Martins. The Martins in Colonial Heights even carries Daya brand vegan cheeses which are tasty as well as soy & gluten free, but kind of expensive. Feel free to add an eighth layer of Daya Cheddar over the cabbage layer.