Fuck Chick-Fil-A part II; Why I’m Participating in Same Sex Kiss Day

Since announcing my plans to attend tonight’s demonstration at Chick-Fil-A, a lot of people have asked me “Why? What are you trying to prove?” and saying things like “Your stupid kiss-in only makes the community look even stupider” or “You’re only hurting the franchise owners; you should take your protest to Dan Cathy’s front lawn” or “You’re fighting a losing battle. Why bother?”

Well here’s a list of reasons why I’m going, broken down so easy a tea-bagger can understand:

1) Why am I going?

Because money spent at Chick-Fil-A, whether it be products or the sale of a franchise, is being funneled to registered hate groups and GLBT concentration camps. The kiss-in draws attention to the issue and just may open someone’s eyes to see that there is not a sandwich in the world that tastes so delicious it’s worth GLBT genocide.

2) What am I trying to prove?

That kissing someone of the same gender in public is okay and should be socially acceptable just like a straight couple kissing is. Also, it’s kind of a big “fuck you” to the wing-nuts.

3) Why am I  going to Chick-Fil-A instead of Dan Cathy’s lawn?

I don’t know where Dan Cathy lives.

4) Why bother fighting a losing battle?

The outrage shown not only by the GLBT community but by straight allies shows that this is not a losing battle, but even if it was, I’ll at least know that I tried.

5) After posting a picture of the following sign that I intend to carry tonight on the FB event page for same sex kiss day at Chick-Fil-A, I received comments like “This is why it should still be illegal”, “You come from a messed up family no wonder you’re a pervert”, “I’m sorry that you were raped but that’s no reason to hate men”, “Maybe a good gang-bang would make you normal” These aren’t exact quotes as I refuse to re-read the comments, but you get the idea.

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FUCK CHICK-FIL-A!!!

By now you’ve heard about the bigoted douche-baggery of Chic-Fil-A and you’ve sworn them off until they get their act together. You have sworn them off, right? If not click here. I’ll wait…

I haven’t been to a Chic-Fil-A since I stopped eating meat, but I understand that I am the minority and most people are fretting over where to get their “chikin” sandwich and waffle fry fix.

Well fret no more, for you’re angry lesbian fairy godmother is here!

For those of you still eating meat, try the Chick-Fil-Gay sandwich, or better yet, try going vegan! You’ll earn extra points on your ‘L’ card:)

For a vegan chicken sandwich, I highly recommend Boca Spicy Chick-Patties. I fed these to my carnivore DXH on several occasions and he never knew the difference.

I’ve found that the easiest way to prepare a chick-patty is to wrap in a paper towel, microwave for 1 minute and then place in a toaster on medium setting. Takes less than 2 minutes and is perfectly crunchy on the outside.

I serve this on a toasted potato bread roll with plenty of Earth Balance melted on it and topped with lettuce, tomato, onion, sliced avocado,  eggplant “bacon”, and of course, 2 pickle slices.

“But what about the waffle fries?” you ask?

Fuck waffle fries!

Have frips instead!

Frips are a hybrid of fries and chips and are healthier than waffle fries because they are not contaminated with hateful assholes posing as Christians.

Frips:

1 medium russet potato per person

vegetable oil

salt, pepper, garlic powder and onion powder to taste

Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Rinse and pat dry each potato, place potatoes in microwave for 3 minutes (no need to poke with a fork, potatoes won’t be in microwave long enough to explode), take potatoes out of microwave and allow to cool for 5-10 minutes, (depending on how tough your hands are) and remove skins by rubbing with a kitchen towel (optional, the skins are a great source of vitamins and fiber so I like to leave them on) and slice into rounds with a sharp knife somewhere between 1/4″ and 1/2″ thick. You want them thicker than a chip, but not as thick as a fry, hence the name “frips”. Generously grease a jellyroll pan with vegetable oil and place potatoes in an even layer and season to your liking. This is one of the rare instances where I recommend garlic powder as opposed to fresh garlic as fresh garlic will burn and not stick to the potatoes. Get creative with the spices, sometimes I use turmeric and paprika for a curry-like flavor and sometimes I add chili powder. There is no right or wrong way to season them. Place jellyroll pan in preheated oven and bake for 20 minutes. Remove from oven, flip frips with a spatula, add more seasonings and place back into oven for an additional 20 minutes. Allow to cool for 5-10minutes before serving.

I make this recipe often but I never have a chance to get a picture as my family devours them within seconds (by “family” I mean me). Photo will be uploaded next time I make them, I promise:)

Social Commentary & Strawberry Pie

Far too much has happened in the past week for me to possibly fit into a single, snarky, passive aggressive Facebook post, so before we get to the pie, here’s my take on the headlines:

1) Bristol Palin. In case your missed her asinine blog post you can read it here, but the gist of it is that she opposes marriage equality on the grounds of children needing a mother and father in order to thrive and that president Obama allows his daughters to watch too much Glee . 

Yeah, my head imploded when I read that too.

Now she alleges to have received death threats in response to her “standing up for traditional marriage”.

The “threats” she refers to are actually more like people opining that the world would be better off if she were dead.

I disagree with this sentiment; in fact, I’m glad that people like her exist because they prove that you don’t have to be poor or a Southerner to be an ignorant piece of  White trash. The Palin family in general contains more white trash than the dumpster at the paper factory.

Earlier this year she was whining that President Obama called Sandra Fluke to check on her after she was called a slut by Rush Limbaugh but he never called her when she was under media scrutiny for her teen pregnancy.

Um… What?

Going by her “logic” every American that has a bad day should expect a phone call from the president.

It’s normal to expect a phone call from close friends and family when you’re going through a rough time, but to expect a phone call from the president is a clear sign of an entitlement complex.

President Obama had the perfect opportunity during the 2008 election to slam both Bristol for her pregnancy at the age of 17 and her mother for giving birth after the age of 40 knowing the increased risk of Down Syndrome among other complications, yet he took the moral high road. When asked to respond to reports of Bristol’s pregnancy, he simply replied “My mother had me at 18”.

That took class.

President Obama may have handled the situation like a gentleman, but in some situations I simply lose the capacity to behave as a lady.

Bristol Palin, you are a self righteous cunt and an embarrassment to womankind. Don’t even get me started on your vow to remain abstinent until you get married, that’s a whole ‘notha blog! It looks like the White trash apple didn’t fall far from the stupid bitch tree! Do the world a favor and have yourself spayed… oh, wait, that would be too much like a woman making her own health care decisions *horrors*! Bless your heart.

2) Pat Robertson. Need I say more? In one week he both purported that gay marriage (or marriage equality, as I like to call it) causes “diseases and suffering” and suggested that statues of Buddha be destroyed.

Yeah because Jesus had a LOT to say about hating gays and destroying property so that makes perfect sense! Oh… wait…

Seriously, why is this old fucker not in a home yet?

3)Tracy Thorne-Begland. This link says it all. For people who wonder why I bother with my activism, this is just one reason; a highly qualified candidate for judge (who wouldn’t even be presiding over GLBT issues) not voted in because he is gay.

I’ve never been more ashamed of my home state.

“But wait; if you hate Virginia so much, why don’t you leave?” -Dumb Fucking Redneck

Because Virginia is my home. I was born and raised here and my family is here. I refuse to be forced out by our misogynistic douche-bag governor or any other cunt-waffle in our state government. By the time I’m ready to get married again my grandparents will be at least 90; why should they have to travel hundreds of miles just because some bureaucrat doesn’t want me to get married in my home state?

And now the recipe I promised y’all:

Love Shoney’s famous strawberry pie, but wish you could enjoy it without the slaughter of innocent animals (gelatin) and the company of nonagenarians complaining that the air conditioning is too cold and their coffee is too hot along with explicit details of their latest colonoscopy mishaps?

This pie is the answer to your prayers.

Don’t freak out about the dates in this recipe; you won’t even taste them, I promise! Also, this pie is a bit messier than non-vegan strawberry pie, I’ve heard that agar-agar can help but I haven’t tried it yet as I live in the middle of fucking nowhere.

Vegan Strawberry Pie:

For the crust:

1 package (1/3 of a box) of graham crackers (Nabisco brand in the red box is vegan, no honey)

4 tablespoons Earth Balance Buttery Spread, melted

Crush the graham crackers in food processor, blender or in a zip-lock with the back of a skillet and place crumbs directly into pie pan. Add melted E.B. and stir until well blended then using your fingers, press into pie pan, pushing some of the mixture up the sides.

For the filling:

4 cups ripe strawberries, sliced

1 cup whole strawberries (remove the green tops)

5 pitted dates, soaked in hot water for 10 minutes

juice of 1 lemon

2 tablespoons sugar

1/4 teaspoon almond exstract

Arrange sliced strawberries in crust and set aside. In a blender add the remaining ingredients and blend until smooth. Pour mixture over sliced strawberries and allow to sit in fridge for at least 1 hour.  Serves 1 angry lesbian with food issues or 6 “normal” people. Taste best on day 2.

Top 10 Things Said To Me By My (Overly) Supportive Family In No Particular Order & Some Fabulously Fucked Up Family Salad

First, a disclaimer, I have an awesome family. I love them all dearly and thanks to them I couldn’t have asked for a better coming out experience. They had nothing but the best of intentions when they said the following to me, however, they totally actually said this shit to me! Bless their hearts!

1) From my maternal grandmother: “It’s a good thing you’re a lesbian and not a gay man. Drunk women are much easier to convince than drunk men. Find a woman you think is hot, buy her a couple of drinks, turn her out and next thing you know, you’ve got girlfriend”

2) A text message from my brother received while I was on my first date after coming out: u lickin’ that cooter-box yet? text me if u need some pointers

3) From my dad: “Maybe you should try playing golf”

4) From my dad: “Just so you know, I ain’t paying for your next wedding. It’s not because you’re a, you know, uh, that way, but as a father I’m only obligated to pay for one wedding per daughter. If you marry someone who’s never been married then her dad can pay for the wedding.”

5) A text message from my mom received while I was out with some friends at a lesbian bar: use double saran wrap or ur never drinking out of my glass again!

6) From my aunt: “Ordinarily I don’t think people can choose their orientation, but you’ve dated a lot of losers. Are you sure that you’re not just jaded on men? Maybe you should try it one more time to be sure.”

7) From my brother: “Now that you’re gay you should probably trade in your Beetle for a truck. ”

8 ) From my mom: “You should be butch. You just don’t carry yourself like a femme. You don’t have the body type. Plus, think about how much time and money you’ll save by not caring about how you look!”

9) From my brother after I let my nephews sample hummus:  “Goddamn it! You know they’re already genetically predisposed to being gay! Why are you encouraging them?”

10) From my mom: “You’ve been single for quite some time now. Have you even tried on a strap-on?”

So for those of you who’ve been wondering why I’m so damaged, there you have it. Please share your family experiences in the comments.

And now the recipe.

This is a quinoa salad that is composed of several things that one would not think go well together but actually work out fabulously, much like my beloved, fucked up family (including some fruits, nuts and a few ingredients that are only tolerable in small doses).

Quinoa is high in fiber and iron, low in calories and unlike most plant foods is a complete protein, meaning that it contains all of the essential amino acids. Although it is usually used as a grain, quinoa is actually a seed.  I’ve been able to find Bob’s Red Mill and Eden brands of quinoa at Kroger, Martin’s and some Food Lions. If you can’t find quinoa, brown rice will do.

Fabulously Fucked Up Family Salad:

1 cup dry quinoa, rinsed

1 cup toasted or raw walnuts, chopped

1 cup black beans, (see Ruckus Dummus for cooking instructions)

1 small sweet onion, diced (I used a purple onion, but feel free to use white)

1 large carrot, diced

2 apples, diced (use your favorite variety)

1 cup seedless grapes, cut into eighths or 1/4 cup raisins

Dressing:

juice and zest of 1 lemon

1/4 cup EVOO

2-4 cloves garlic (depending on how much you like garlic, I use 5)

1/2 bunch cilantro, stems removed, rinsed

1 teaspoon sugar

1 jalapeno, stem removed, keep the seeds! (optional, if you’re not a pussy, put the jalapeno in!)

salt & pepper (do I even need to remind you to use freshly cracked pepper only?)

In a medium sauce pan, bring 1 1/4 cup water to a boil. Add quinoa, reduce heat to low and cook for 12 minutes, covered. Meanwhile, dice the fruits and veggies and prepare the dressing. In a blender or food processor, add all the ingredients for dressing and blend on high until smooth and runny. Dressing will have a yellowish color. After quinoa  is cooked, fluff with a fork and move to a large bowl.  Add nuts, beans, fruits and vegetables and stir, add dressing and toss to coat evenly. The lemon in the dressing will keep the apples from browning. Makes 4 main dish servings or 8 side dish servings.

This recipe is really just a template, feel free to substitute chickpeas for the black beans, almonds for the walnuts, parsnips for the carrots, pears for the apples or whatever you want.

Quinoa Salad

Things Not To Say To A Lesbian (Or Anyone Else!)

Inspired by the high-larious you tube video by Davey Wavey,  things not to ask a gay guy, I’ve decided to share with y’all the top ten most ignorant things people have said to me after finding out that I’m gay. Here they are in no particular order:

1) From a former co-worker after seeing a photo of Ellen and Portia’s wedding in some stupid tabloid:

co-worker: I can’t believe Portia wore a dress! I thought all you people wore flannel.

me: What? I never wear flannel. I wear dresses all the time.

co-worker: I figured you tone it down for work. (I can’t help but wonder if this person spends her free time picturing me returning home from a long day at work, removing my wig to reveal my mullet and slipping into a nice, hot, bathtub filled with motor oil while sipping a PBR and watching an Ice Road Truckers marathon)

2) From the same former co-worker after Richmond Pridefest :

co-worker: How was your protest thingie?

me: It wasn’t a protest, but I had fun.

co-worker: Oh, so it was just, like, a little festival for you people? (Exactly! Just like NASCAR races are festivals for the inbred.)

3) How do gay people decide what cities they want to take over? (We throw a dart at a map when we hold our agenda planning meetings. Look out Dinwiddie VA!)

4) So do you drink diet soda because you’re a lesbian? (Has more to do with my diabetes)

5) How do glory holes at lesbian bars work? (Ever seen the episode of Family Guy where Peter’s boss starts sexually harassing him? If not, hulu it!)

6) So is Melissa Etheridge, like, your Jesus? (No. Rita Mae Brown is)

7) Lesbians can get pedicures and wear makeup?! (And we’re even allowed to vote!)

8 ) I don’t understand why you left your husband just because you’re gay. Why didn’t you just bring a woman in the bedroom and have a three way? Why not have an open relationship? (Um, really?)

9) But you find men attractive; are you sure you’re gay? (I also find palm trees, Jimmy Choos, and vintage Pyrex serving bowls attractive. I don’t want to fuck any of those things.)

10) You know you don’t have to be a Democrat just because you’re a lesbian. (And you don’t have to be a Republican just because you’re stupid… oh… wait…)

Please share the ignorant shit people have said to you in the comments! And no, they don’t have to be GLBT related, any gross over-generalization will do; for example, after learning that my dad is black and my mom is white, someone once asked “Have you ever met your dad?”. For the record, my parents are still married and my dad has always been a huge part of my life!