First, a disclaimer, I have an awesome family. I love them all dearly and thanks to them I couldn’t have asked for a better coming out experience. They had nothing but the best of intentions when they said the following to me, however, they totally actually said this shit to me! Bless their hearts!
1) From my maternal grandmother: “It’s a good thing you’re a lesbian and not a gay man. Drunk women are much easier to convince than drunk men. Find a woman you think is hot, buy her a couple of drinks, turn her out and next thing you know, you’ve got girlfriend”
2) A text message from my brother received while I was on my first date after coming out: u lickin’ that cooter-box yet? text me if u need some pointers
3) From my dad: “Maybe you should try playing golf”
4) From my dad: “Just so you know, I ain’t paying for your next wedding. It’s not because you’re a, you know, uh, that way, but as a father I’m only obligated to pay for one wedding per daughter. If you marry someone who’s never been married then her dad can pay for the wedding.”
5) A text message from my mom received while I was out with some friends at a lesbian bar: use double saran wrap or ur never drinking out of my glass again!
6) From my aunt: “Ordinarily I don’t think people can choose their orientation, but you’ve dated a lot of losers. Are you sure that you’re not just jaded on men? Maybe you should try it one more time to be sure.”
7) From my brother: “Now that you’re gay you should probably trade in your Beetle for a truck. ”
8 ) From my mom: “You should be butch. You just don’t carry yourself like a femme. You don’t have the body type. Plus, think about how much time and money you’ll save by not caring about how you look!”
9) From my brother after I let my nephews sample hummus: “Goddamn it! You know they’re already genetically predisposed to being gay! Why are you encouraging them?”
10) From my mom: “You’ve been single for quite some time now. Have you even tried on a strap-on?”
So for those of you who’ve been wondering why I’m so damaged, there you have it. Please share your family experiences in the comments.
And now the recipe.
This is a quinoa salad that is composed of several things that one would not think go well together but actually work out fabulously, much like my beloved, fucked up family (including some fruits, nuts and a few ingredients that are only tolerable in small doses).
Quinoa is high in fiber and iron, low in calories and unlike most plant foods is a complete protein, meaning that it contains all of the essential amino acids. Although it is usually used as a grain, quinoa is actually a seed. I’ve been able to find Bob’s Red Mill and Eden brands of quinoa at Kroger, Martin’s and some Food Lions. If you can’t find quinoa, brown rice will do.
Fabulously Fucked Up Family Salad:
1 cup dry quinoa, rinsed
1 cup toasted or raw walnuts, chopped
1 cup black beans, (see Ruckus Dummus for cooking instructions)
1 small sweet onion, diced (I used a purple onion, but feel free to use white)
1 large carrot, diced
2 apples, diced (use your favorite variety)
1 cup seedless grapes, cut into eighths or 1/4 cup raisins
juice and zest of 1 lemon
1/4 cup EVOO
2-4 cloves garlic (depending on how much you like garlic, I use 5)
1/2 bunch cilantro, stems removed, rinsed
1 teaspoon sugar
1 jalapeno, stem removed, keep the seeds! (optional, if you’re not a pussy, put the jalapeno in!)
salt & pepper (do I even need to remind you to use freshly cracked pepper only?)
In a medium sauce pan, bring 1 1/4 cup water to a boil. Add quinoa, reduce heat to low and cook for 12 minutes, covered. Meanwhile, dice the fruits and veggies and prepare the dressing. In a blender or food processor, add all the ingredients for dressing and blend on high until smooth and runny. Dressing will have a yellowish color. After quinoa is cooked, fluff with a fork and move to a large bowl. Add nuts, beans, fruits and vegetables and stir, add dressing and toss to coat evenly. The lemon in the dressing will keep the apples from browning. Makes 4 main dish servings or 8 side dish servings.
This recipe is really just a template, feel free to substitute chickpeas for the black beans, almonds for the walnuts, parsnips for the carrots, pears for the apples or whatever you want.