Fake Tits Fake Lesbianism And Other Fan Mail

Firstly, apologies for the run-on title, punctuation confuses google searches.

As predicted, this post angered fuckboys and generated “civil discourse” in the form of calling me a cunt.

I replied to my favorites in the video below, (Don’t forget to subscribe!) but first, I’m going to address the misogyny behind insulting women and non-binary folks by accusing us of being “fake”.

Re: Fake Tits

Unrealistic beauty standards set by mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging fuckboys aside, it’s none of your goddamned business what anyone chooses to do with their body.

Stop assuming women get implants for male attention. What women do is rarely about impressing you. Grow the fuck up, get some hobbies other than harassing feminist bloggers, and stop obsessing over the actions of women who neither know nor care about your existence. Better yet, educate yourselves so that maybe one day a woman will spend time with you on her own volition.

I don’t owe anyone an explanation for the way I look, but I will say I’m broke as fuck, my credit is shit, and implants start at around $6000; if I had that kinda money to blow on frivolities, I’d spend it on tattoos, weed, some of those fancy ass tater tots from Sticky Rice, fancy duct tape, and adding more sequins to my wardrobe.  🙂

Box of tea from Sam's Club + fancy duct tape = a sewing box that won't leave kids disappointed when they realize there are no cookies :)

Box of tea from Sam’s Club + fancy duct tape =
a sewing box that won’t leave kids disappointed when they realize there are no cookies 🙂

Re: Fake Lesbianism

Notice how cis-men are never accused of pretending to be gay for attention?

That’s because fuckboys fancy themselves fuckable by everyone and their ego is too fragile to entertain the idea that the rest of us don’t want to fuck them, thus we must be faking for their precious attention.

Yet these same basement dwelling neckbeards are quick to hurl “dyke” at hetero women who reject them. In their tiny dickbrains, all women are either dykes because we want to fuck them, or dykes because we don’t.

finished rainbow boobs

I have a pretty face and perky tits; I ain’t gotta do shit for male attention, so again, stop assuming everything is about you. It is NO ONE’S place to define someone else’s orientation. We all have our suspicions about the sexual preferences of others, and yes, I’m annoyed by “party trick lesbians”, but being annoyed doesn’t entitle one to questioning another’s identity. Where I come from, we have manners, so if you’re annoying, but ain’t hurtin nobody, we’ll just talk about you behind your back like the fucking ladies we are 😉

Yes, I understand women do this too, watch the damn video!

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Fan Mail; Five Signs You’re an Insufferable Twatwaffle and How to Recover

Dear Hummuscidal,

Instead of blogging and posting selfies, why don’t you go to the gym instead, tubs?! What makes you think everyone wants to see your tits and fat rolls jiggling around? Wear a bra and put some clothes on! You think you’re sooooooo cute, but you’re just conceited and fat! You’re promoting an unhealthy lifestyle and costing the healthcare system *billions*!!!!

-Some chick who definitely did NOT go to school with you, never bullied you, and definitely is NOT jealous I keep catching my husband stalking your page

Thanks for writing, Some Chick! I hope you don’t mind I took the liberty of correcting your spelling and grammar errors and will now translate your inquiry from frothy douche-baguette to English:

Dear Hummuscidal,

If women like you are accepted and seen as attractive, then all the hours I spend in the gym and subsisting on baby carrots will be wasted because I have nothing to offer the world except my narrow ass. How do I learn to exude confidence like you so I’m not forced to tear down others in order to feel better about my unfulfilled existence? 

-That chick whom karma was kind enough to let you watch get destroyed

I’m glad you asked! I’ve written about this subject extensively before, but as the weather gets warmer, I find that it bears reiterating.

How to Stop Being A Twatwaffle and Start Being Confident:

Step 1: Admit to yourself that you’re a sanctimonious, insufferable twatwaffle. If you’re not sure whether you’re annoying the fuck out of everyone or not, here are five symptoms to watch for:

1) You assume everyone wants to be like you, demand everyone have the same priorities as you, and offer unsolicited advice, even if the recipient has made it clear they don’t give a furry flying fucksock what you think.

2) You find yourself making disparaging comments about things folks have little to no control over such as income, class, appearance, where they live, where/if they went to school.

3) You assume things about people based on their appearance alone.

4) You live by the mantra “If I can do it, anyone can! No excuses!!!” and never take into account not everyone has the same opportunities and privileges.

5) You often find yourself joining conversations uninvited and having nothing to do with you, and subsequently losing your shit when you discover your comments have been deleted and/or you’ve been blocked.

Step 2: Now that you recognize yourself as self righteous busybody, find a new hobby. You don’t have to be good at it, as long as it’s fun and distracts you from telling others how to live.

In addition to blogging and cooking, I also enjoy quilting, upcycling trash into crafts, finding new ways to drop the ‘f’ bomb, putting fuckboys in their place, writing lunch notes for my dad, Netflixing, and creating new words for the Niktionary.

Step 3: Cut the bullshit. Forget about those silly things you “have” to do. Don’t feel like wearing makeup, heels, or shape-wear? Don’t. Don’t feel like hitting the gym? Don’t.

Of course you still have responsibilities; you still have to water the kids, walk the dog, pay the bills, call your parole officer, etc, but if it’s not an obligation, and doesn’t make you happy, don’t.

Some may argue that cutting the bullshit should come before finding a new hobby, and if you think that’ll work better for you, do it. I advise finding a hobby first because having something to look forward to will make cutting the bullshit easier.

Step 4: Unlearn the victim mentality. You’re not being “bullied” because no one cares about how you think they should live their life. “Tits and and fat rolls jiggling around” in no way affects your well-being. You are not owed health by anyone, and for fuck’s sake, just stop with the healthcare costs bullshit! You’re furious about the extra 6 cents you pay every month to cover someone’s blood pressure checks, I’m not happy about being forced to share the same oxygen with you. We all have issues! Just like I don’t have the right to run you over with a monster truck just because you’re an ignorant fuckstick, you’re not entitled to demanding folks look and behave a certain way in order to exist.

Hope this helps, and if you have a question for Hummuscidal Maniac, feel free to ask in the comments, on my page, or in a private message.

As always, thanks for reading!

Oh! And since I enjoy pissing folks off, here’s yet another selfie 😉

#FanMail; A Tour of My Work Space

Anita Tinshen* from Fukardsville Va writes:

“Derrrrr You look like a whore. What street corner do you work on? Derrrr”

You asked for it, you got it! Here it is; a tour of my work space. If you’re the complete opposite of me and a frequent blinker, this would be a good day to try the LSD all the kids are talking about, because you do NOT want to miss this!

As the great RMB says, “never write without a cat.”

The secret all the super huge mega writers don’t want you to know about; black coffee in a vintage mug and saucer.

My “supervisor”. He’s “supervising” that taco alright 🙂

For a chance to be featured in an upcoming post, submit your own inquiries in the comments, or in a message to my page 🙂

*Not the cunt’s real name.