Wooden Family Christmas Newsletter 2016 and Photo Dump

Merry Solstice, Loved Ones!

It’s been quite the year!

Firstly; please forgive the author for referring to herself in the third person πŸ™‚

Everyone’s favorite Wooden, Nikki, is still well adept at dropping the “F bomb” in any fucking part of a sentence, which is part of her charm;

Fucking Va Beach. #ClassicNikki

still crazy as fuck, (also part of her charm) and still diabetic as fuck, which sucks πŸ˜₯

But she’s still employed, somehowΒ NOT back in prison, and best of all, NOT remarried, so we’ll count this as a win.

We can all drink to that!

Why is this a thing? Whyyyy?!

Why is this a thing? Whyyyy?!

Jr continues to bring shame to the family and will never measure up to his stunning, talented, witty, and humble sister, nor will his eyebrows ever be as perfectly sharpied, but he managed to go another successful week of not pooping his breeches, so there’s that. Please keep him in your prayers. Bless his heart.

Jr Jr and Bubba amaze us everyday with how quickly they’re growing and maturing, which can be attributed to the influence of their favorite aunt.

Ma and Pa Wooden will be celebrating 34 years of marriage this March. Being that their favorite child will be turning 34 in July, this goes to show that if you wait until marriage, the Good Lord will bless you with delivery of a healthy 10 lb baby at four months. Only Jezebels suffer 9 month pregnancies πŸ™‚

Grandma Cooke, and Big Mama and Big Daddy Wooden try to downplay how much they love their favorite grandchild and only granddaughter the most, but they ain’t fooling nobody.

Y’all’s truly,

Pumpkin πŸ™‚

And now the 2016 year end photo dump:

And look at what you'll be capable of when the timing is right! #OilSlickHair

#OilSlickHair

I'm still feminist as fuck :)

I’m still feminist as fuck πŸ™‚

#BodyPos

#NoWaistLine #NoAss #NoFucksToGive

My solution to dad refusing to use "girl soap". #FixedIt

My solution to dad refusing to use “girl soap”.
#FixedIt

This is why you don't wear vans to a mudbog. #redneckognize #CountryDykeCanSurvive

This is why you don’t wear vans to a mudbog. #redneckognize #CountryDykeCanSurvive

Yep.

Yep.

Searches that led to here.

Searches that led to here. I have no further commentary.

Pets with henefits #Punglasses

Pets with henefits
#Punglasses

#Doublefisting #DontJudge

#Doublefisting #DontJudge

Privacy? Boundaries? What are those? #NoShame

Privacy? Boundaries? What are those? #NoShame

#PommyMommy

#PommyMommy

Because fuck you, that's why

Because fuck you, that’s why.

Cat lady porn

Cat lady porn

Whoever you are, marry me!

Whoever you are, marry me!

It's okay to be jealous.

It’s okay to be jealous.

My birthday :)

My birthday πŸ™‚

:'( :'( #UglyCrying

πŸ˜₯ πŸ˜₯ #UglyCrying

#Halloween #PrinceTribute #purplerain #SexyMotherfucker #DarlingNikki

#Halloween #PrinceTribute #purplerain #SexyMotherfucker #DarlingNikki

#WakeNBake #420 #NoMakeUp #NoFilter

#WakeNBake #420 #NoMakeUp #NoFilter

FYI; both these stores were a profound disappointment

FYI; both these stores were a profound disappointment

In my draws, frosting a cake at 3 am. #HowIRoll

It was a rough week.

It was a rough week.

Story of my life.

Story of my life.

Vegan rainbow cake.

Vegan rainbow cake.

Why are cat paws so cute?! #SQUEEE #CatLadyPorn

Why are cat paws so cute?! #SQUEEE #CatLadyPorn

The joys of living in Prince George Va. I have no time for willful ignorance. Bless their hearts.

The joys of living in Prince George Va.
I have no time for willful ignorance.
Bless their hearts.

Merry Solstice, y'all!

Merry Solstice, y’all!

 

Diabetes Awareness Month; My Advice for The Newly Diagnosed Dia-Bad-Asses

Firstly, I started a beauty blog. Check it out and like my page πŸ™‚

November is diabetes awareness month, but between the election, *sob πŸ˜₯ * *hits wine box* developing shingles, and running on drag time to begin with, I’m kinda late on this :/

I may have mentioned once or twice how much T1D sucks giant, sweaty donkey balls, but here are a few things I’ve learned since my diagnosis in 1995, a few months before my 12th birthday, that I hope will help my fellow dia-bad-asses πŸ˜‰

Someone translate this to GED, please and thanks :)

Someone translate this to GED, please and thanks πŸ™‚

1 ) You will be bombarded with demands to “stay positive”. What they’re really saying is “your misfortune is making me uncomfortable”. Optimism doesn’t put the beta cells back, and you don’t owe it to anyone. It’s okay to be angry. Set fire to the world until you’re heard.

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2) Strangers will expect you to educate them. Sometimes it’s out of genuine concern, e.g.; “What are the warning signs of hypoglycemia, and what should I do if you faint?” But most of the time it’s sheer nosiness, e.g.; “Durrrr why are you eating fruit if you’re soooOOOooo ‘diabeetused? Derrr” Tell those fuckwads to google that shit.

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3 )Be prepared for the “maybe this is a blessing in disguise” cult.

Maybe a turd in the litter box is an almond roca in “disguise”. Only one way to find out…

4 ) Don’t compare yourself to celebrities with T1D. They have access to the best doctors and newest technologies, the rest of us live in the real world, which won’t stop kicking your ass just because you had a severe 3 am hypo and have to be at work at 8 am.

5) Upon hearing about your diagnosis, disturbed subhuman individuals will ask if you’ve seen Steel Magnolias.

Respond “just the first half, how does it end?” and watch them squirm.

6 ) I’ve been told I’m so sarcastic, I have to announce when I’m NOT kidding, so I’m being dead ass serious here:

Representation matters, and The Babysitter’s Club kept me sane through middle school. Claudia Kishi was my first love, but Stacy McGill knew my struggle.

Off subject, but are people really surprised to learn that Ann M. Martin is gay? I mean, am I the only one seeing these outfits?!

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As always, thanks for reading, and feel free to contribute to the conversation in the comments πŸ™‚