White Church Christmas Pageant Checklist:
Not-white attendees include:
A family of four black republicans, father and son wear matching sweater vests, mother wears gray pantsuit with a red blouse and a cross-shaped lapel pin next to the ever present American flag pin, daughter wears old school red and green plaid taffeta with a lace collar, and white stockings.
The pastor’s 24 year old daughter’s
girlf *ahem* “roommate” from “college”, though they graduated three years ago.
Other notable attendees:
At least one set of boy/girl twins named “Bella” and “Edward”
One 35ish year old man named “Atticus” after the lawyer in To Kill A Mockingbird
Several children named Hannah, Ethan, Madison, Cheyenne, Dakota, Fox (short for Foxworth), Wolf (short for???), Liam, Xander, and Michaela
5pm the Sunday before Christmas
Youth choir opens with Silent Night
Pastor’s 15 year old son performs a guitar solo of White Christmas as the preschool Sunday school class enters dressed as the innkeeper, Mary, Joseph, Angel Gabriel, three wise men, and the kids not assigned speaking roles dressed as camels and sheep.
No room at the inn, yada yada yada over in ten minutes
Senior Choir closes with Joy to The World
After service refreshments include:
coffee, hot chocolate, and mini water bottles
pre-portioned mini dixie cups of chex mix and goldfish crackers
Fruit tray with cool whip
Veggie tray with a bucket of ranch dressing
Plate of cheese cubes
Salami, cream cheese, mayonnaise, and pickle pinwheels, with a placard warning “a bit spicy, use caution!”
Green and red sugar cookies
Parting gift; mini fruitcake, wrapped in cellophane, tied with a red, green, and gold plaid ribbon, baked by the Extension Homemaker’s Committee with a card attached reading “From our family to yours, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!”
Everyone leaves by 6:30
Black Church Christmas Pageant Checklist:
2 white chicks with fancy script wrist tattoos (I’m one of them):
The mixed kid who also grew up and married a white chick, with their 2 kids, sitting together like four mini-marshmallows in a giant mug of hot chocolate (That would be my brother’s family):
and for no reason whatsoever, the time Jr made front page news for winning a drag pageant:
Mixed kid’s in-laws (not naming names) who shift uncomfortably as those around them stand to testify, clap offbeat, jump out of their skin every time a tambourine is shaken, damn near faint when asked to stand and identify their “home church”, and shrink back in terror when the praise dancers make their rounds.
Other notable attendees:
The “aunt” and “niece” who are both roughly around 70 years old and live in a one bedroom dwelling.
4 day old, 2 month premature baby with pierced ears named “A’miricle”
married couples over 40 *Ahem* “Grownfolk” wearing matching red suits
The Sunday before Christmas immediately following the regular service, which incidentally is also 5pm.
Program doesn’t actually start until 6pm.
One hour of open mic testimonials
30 minutes of “opening selections” (AKA, hymns) from the women’s choir
30 minutes of “praise selections” from the men’s choir
Each member of ages 3-5 Sunday school class emerge carrying alternating red and green glitter placards spelling “Jesus Is The Reason For The Season”, remaining kids are dressed as angels and shepherds. Each child has a line pertaining to their assigned letter. Angels and shepherds lead the way out carrying battery powered tea-lights.
Set up for actual program begins.
All “visitors” AKA, white folks, are asked to stand, state their name, and their “home church” (If you don’t belong to any church, make up something quick! Even if all you can think of is Holy Honky Tabernacle!)
6-10 age group Sunday school class reenact the manger scene.
Church Mother says “a few words”, and by a “few” I mean I want to know how she can stand so long needing the assistance of a walker, and I’m ready to pass out.
Preacher reads from the bible and asks for witnesses (I thought we were Baptists?)
Chairman of the deacon board (my dad) says a few words (Seriously, just a few, because he’s hungry)
Preacher’s wife pleads for us ladies to join her “Beautiful Spirithood Womanhood Club” i.e.; Help me and the other unmarried dyke find “purpose”.
15 minute tambourine solo
20 minutes of praise dancing
Preacher blesses the food before directing us to the annex (90 minutes)
After program refreshments:
Green sherbet punch and sweet tea
Fried chicken drumettes
A shrimp platter donated by that “uppity Jezebel who needs to dress like she’s in the house of the Lord and not in the house of the Whore”
Canned string beans with fatback
Raw broccoli, shredded cheese, and craisin salad bound with mayonnaise, donated by the other white chick
Various pre-sliced cakes and pies on mini paper plates, wrapped in saran wrap
Parting gift; A brown paper bag containing one apple, one orange, one Hershey’s kiss in red or green wrapper, a mini candy cane affixed to a card purporting that the “cane” is actually supposed to be a ‘J’ for Jesus (Bullshit, btw) two pecans still in the shell, and two walnuts still in the shell.
Everyone leaves just in time to catch Monday’s Judge Mathis