Unfucking America; The Adult ADD Guide to Social Justice Activism

They say the first step to recovery is recognizing you have a problem, but if you don’t already know that America is fucked, I can’t help you. Tell whoever is reading this to you that this is not suitable for children and to stop feeding you paint chips.

On to step 2:

Accept that change will be a slow, tedious process of trial and error, and remain patient.

I find this difficult because I have a bad habit of “all-or-nothing thinking”, e.g.; If I don’t have time to finish all the loads of laundry, I’ll most likely put it off for another day and buy some $4 leggings en-route to work instead of just starting a small load of necessities.

As silly as it sounds, it’s a vicious cycle (Ha! “cycle”! Get it? Like laundry cycle? *high fives self*) that (have I mentioned my ADD?) I’ve been in cognitive behavioral therapy for two years to break.

This mindset haunts me in every aspect of my life, including social justice activism, but like my shrink said:

“If you don’t feel well enough to clean the house, then commit to cleaning one side table. If one table feels like too much, then commit to cleaning out your pocketbook. If the pocketbook feels overwhelming, then clean out your wallet, but remind yourself it’s always better to do something, no matter how small, than to do nothing”

Translated to activism:

“If you can’t fly, run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl, but whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward”

-Dr Martin Luther King

Step 3: As a rabid feminist with anger issues and no filter between my brain and mouth, I put fuckboys on blast just for fun; as a white-passing cis-woman, I can be blinded by privilege, and thus cross the fine line between speaking out against oppression, and speaking for the oppressed, so always be willing to listen to criticism from  people with less privilege than you without being defensive.

Stolen without permission from Fat, Loud, and Not Going Away

Stolen without permission from Fat, Loud, and Not Going Away

Stolen without permission from Unpacking The 'F' Word

Stolen without permission from Unpacking The ‘F’ Word

Step 4: Never give up, never be silenced, never keep quiet. You know what they say about well-behaved women? NOTHING! We’ve yet to win a single right by asking nicely. Set fire to the universe until we’re heard!

  • There are plenty more ways to advocate for social justice, and I encourage y’all to add them in the comments, but on account of my ADD and inability to math, four steps are all I can manage 🙂
  • As always, thanks for reading!

TL;DR version:

 

Ten Most Willfully Ignorant Fuckwitted Dickwads of 2015

Firstly, if you’re wondering about my run-on titles, it’s because punctuation and symbols make blog posts less googlable. I apologize for any incon  no I don’t. I don’t apologize for shit. Get the fuck over it.

Moving right along…

Unless you’ve been trapped in the most extreme Duggar-esque circumstances, you have access to information, therefor ignorance is a choice.

I was born and raised in a region of the country that still reenacts a war we LOST, and had to outlaw snake handling.

I repeat, the government had to get involved to stop folks from playing with poisonous snakes.

SNAKES!!!

I went to a school where hunting was an excused absence (though my endocrinologist’s appointments, necessary to manage my T1D, were not) and our middle school Valentine’s dance had a daycare center. (<– I might be exaggerating there, but only a little bit!)

For most of my life, I’ve suffered from debilitating technophobia; I failed computer basics 101 twice at a 2 year school I attended for 4 years, (and still never earned a degree). I didn’t have an email or any social media accounts until 2010, and even then I had an @aol address, and my BFF set up and ran my Facebook. I didn’t own a smart phone until 2014, and that was only because my grandma decided to upgrade to an iphone and gave me her droid. (Thanks again, Grandma!)

Anywho, my point is, if I can manage to educate myself, so can these fuckers. Here are the 10 most willfully ignorant, fuckwitted dickwads of 2015 in no particular order.

10) Starner Jones. I know his letter to the editor is several years old, but 2015 is coming to an end, and he’s still standing by this shit, claiming he’s “far from privileged” and “hung with the right crowd and applied himself”. Guess what, assclown, if you had the option of a “right crowd”, you’re fucking privileged. Your best reviews are mediocre 3 stars, so congratulations on “applying” yourself to be average.

9) This cuntcake. Her fuckery gained nationwide attention in 2013, and she has continued to double down on the ignorance into 2015. At one point, Miss Thang threatened to sue Psychology Today (great page, btw, follow them!) for “copyright infringement” because they used her PUBLIC profile pic in an article on narcissism.

First, the photographer owns every photo they take, even if you’re the subject, so she was the first to commit “copyright infringement” by using it as a profile pic.

Second, when a reputable publication run by professional mental health experts sees fit to use you as an example of text book narcissism, and your response is “ZOMG! They didn’t ask to use my public profile pic! I’m gonna sue!”, you ain’t helping your case.

fit mom2

fit mom 4

fit mom3

8) Crossfit. Does anyone know a paleo-crossfitter who’s not an insufferable, sanctimonious, fuckstick? *Crickets* Yeah, that’s what I thought. Eat your porpoise jerky, be sad, and shut the fuck up.

Backwards hat? Reeealy? If you can look at this fuckbucket and not want to break shit, you should be canonized.

Backwards hat? Obvious veneers? Is there some sort of fuckboy emporium these losers shop at? If you can look at this fuckbucket geezer and not want to break shit, you should be canonized.

7) Assholiana Grandouche`. I have a general disdain for poptwats to begin with, but in addition to being a shitty artist, she’s a shitty human. How entitled must one feel to

a) Lick anything without consent, and

b) Blame it on obesity???

That’s even more fuckwitted than the Twinkie Defense, which saved Dan White’s ass from a murder conviction, so I shouldn’t be surprised Grandouche` is saved from any form of accountability. #WhyIHateAmerica #YeahISaidIt

Classy.

Classy.

Yeah, poptwat, you fucked up royally, but instead of hoping everyone forgets about it, try making amends. Reimburse the business owner, pay his health department fines, and for once in your pathetic existence, use your privilege and influence for something meaningful. Sponsor a girl scout troupe, or fund a community garden. Hell, color coordinating your bunny costumes would do more for society than your larynx diarrhea “music” ever could.

Taken without permission from hollywood.com

Taken without permission from hollywood.com

6) The vulvarly obsessed  Cathy Brennen and her vaginions. Plumbing doesn’t define a human. Even my 6 and 8 year old nephews understand some girls have “doodles” (I had nothing to do with their chosen genital terminology. That’s 1000% their mother’s doing.). It’s not a terribly difficult concept. 

5) The Duggars. All of them, but especially Jim Bob. Josh is unequivocally a predator, but Jim Bob created him, encouraged him, and enabled him.

As the self appointed “head of the household” by virtue of his dick (*head* of the household, gigity), it was his responsibility to prevent Josh’s fuckery. He not only refused Josh the help he needed, but was quick to find him a new victim and marry them off at 20 years old so she could start squatting out more victims.

Make no mistake about it; in the fucked up world of Gothard quiverfull, Anna never had a choice in any of this. Even now, she’s a grown ass 27 year old mother of four, and relegated to sleeping in the girls dorm at her in-laws cult compound. Why? Because independent bedrooms lead to independent thoughts, which lead to Christian rock music, pink lemonade, ladies’ slacks, and other forms of Satanism?

Seriously, can’t adult protective services step in?

4) Abigail Fisher.

I just can't with this bitch again right now. Moving right along...

I just can’t with this eyebrowless neanderthal  right now. It hurts to even try. Moving right along…

3) This fucker who had the grapenuts to whine to my boss. Who’d a thunk using the ‘N’ word in front of an angry biracial feminazi dyke would end badly?!

BTW, I took Big Mama and Big Daddy to a doctor’s appointment in Colonial Heights Va a couple weeks ago, and whadyaknow, they managed to not steal any cars or sell drugs. How peculiar…  Almost as if criminal behavior isn’t intrinsic to people of color… But probably disappointing to someone with a self-proclaimed “$500 a day blow habit”. “Blow” it out your flat ass, fuckboy.

PS, I’m still employed, and this loser’s been fired from 3 different jobs since. It’s only been THREE months! Oh, but it’s *totally* black people who are too lazy to hold down a job <sarcasm font>. And no, I had nothing to do with it. His own ignorant dumb fuckery did him in. #KarmaBeeYOTCH #HitsBlunt

2) This prick who’s somehow still my FB friend. I guess I was asking a lot by expecting him to read.

1) This Fuckboy. A friend of a FB friend who couldn’t even scroll past a feminist meme without throwing a hissy fit because his precious manfeelz were being ignored. And MRAs wonder why they’re single.

Why MRAs can't get a date

Stolen from As Seen on Tinder.

If I’ve forgotten anyone, please feel free to drop them in the comments!

As always, thanks for reading 🙂

#StayMadAbby

Damn! Damn! Daaaamnnn! Black Jesus and James Evans Sr, when will this twatwaffle pull her grades up, grow some fucking eyebrows and get the fuck over herself?

And yes, Jesus is most definitely black, because if he was white, he would’ve known how to swim and not had to walk across the Sea of Galilee. #YeahISaidIt

As y’all may be aware, my dad’s black, and as I’ve been informed several times, I “don’t look mixed”. Reckon since I’ve never been spotted eating a fried chicken leg and drinking a pumpkin spice latte while river dancing in applebottoms, it’s difficult to ascertain my ethnicity/race.

Genetics are a crap-shoot, and sadly, I don’t have the ass to fill out applebottoms (Target’s “husky” boys size 16 breeches for this flat-assed plus-sized goddess). My ass is so freakishly flat, there’s not even a discernible crack. It’s like a sheet cake of jello back there. Back when I was dating men, whenever they requested anal, I’d tell them to rub their swizzle-stick on a saucer; it’d feel exactly the same. But what I lack in ass, I more than compensate for in wits and tits 🙂

Where was I going with this? Oh, right, how not to be a racist schlong.

So firstly, stop expecting people to look a certain way. Us mixed kids know when you say “OMG! You don’t look black AT ALL!!!” what you really mean is “EEK! Glad I didn’t tell a racist joke or drop the ‘N’ bomb in front of her! Hope she doesn’t pop a cap in my ass!”.

As a white-passing mixed kid, I get to witness racism from all angles; from the white folks who feel safe confiding in me their hatred, to my ex’s father who refused to attend our wedding because my dad’s black, and every fuckboy in between who felt the need to mansplain the “true definition” of the ‘N’ word, so inspired by Ms Fisher’s fuckery, based on my personal experience, and taking into account my own white-privilege, here are a few things white and white-passing people need to stop saying:

1) Any variation of “Racism goes both ways” or “White people experience discrimination too”.

Bitch, I was raised in a black baptist church in Surry County Virginia, my mom’s white, and my dad’s “one of the good ones” (whatever the fuck that means) so don’t you fucking DARE whitesplain light discrimination to me! Not TAH-day, motherfucker!

I understand there are black people who hate white people (mostly on account of toxic Christianity, but that’s a whoooole ‘notha post), but outside of church, I was in no way affected by it.

2) “But black people get to joke on white people!!!”

*Deep breaths*

This is the type of ignorance regurgitated by white folks desperate to be victims. If you honestly can’t see the difference between “Haha, white people like Bon Jovi and wear Northface jackets” and likening fellow human beings to shit, then the only advice I have for you is try not to burn the whole trailer park down when you’re playing with matches.

3) “You only care about *insert unarmed person of color murdered by police here* because they’re black!” or “You only voted for *insert qualified democrat here* because they’re black”.

Systematic racism aside, the people saying this shit are the same ones who believe President Obama was only elected because he’s black, but when it comes it comes to casting a white actor to play one of history’s most iconic black civil rights leaders, they suddenly give a fuck about “content of character”. I would raze these cousin-fuckers further, but they’re still outraged because there were no white people cast in The Wiz, so I’ll let them get back to crying in their Panera bread bowls.

4) “You can’t get upset when someone says something racist because you don’t look black!”

Holy. Fucking. Big Mama’s coffee can of bacon grease, pardon the whiteness in the next phrase, but I can’t even.

Not being racist is literally (more whiteness emerging) the bare minimum of what it takes to be a decent human. If you come to my place of employment whining about “the ghetto girls” you work with, and their “two different colors of weave”, I’m gonna gently remind you that you’re using a groupon to pay for your two different colors of highlights. I’m broke as fuck, but principles trump cash. I’d rather get no tip than have that cunt think for one second that what she said was okay.

5)  “I can’t be racist; my significant other is black!”

Google Strom Thurmond, and then get back to me on that one.

6) “I can’t be racist because I have mixed kids!”

See #5.

7) “But Chris Rock sai…”

I’m gonna stop you right there. One black person whose opinions confirm your racial bias doesn’t speak for all black people. Turn off Glen Beck, sip some Mountain Dew out of your monogrammed camo tervis, and search your old lady for ticks.

8) “I don’t see color!”

Translation; “I refuse to acknowledge any discrimination faced by people of color, nor my role in systematic racism, and am threatened by all things challenging to my privilege. Also, it’s totes not fair I can’t say the ‘n’ word when my vocabulary is already severely limited. Oh, and has anyone seen the new field & stream?”

9) “Why is it okay to have black pride, but not white pride?!”

Not okay to have white pride?! Could’ve fooled me at the Irish festival where entire streets are shut down so white people can drink green beer at 11 am. Or October fest where entire streets are shut down so white people can drink beer at 11 am and wear shorts in 40 degree weather. Or the Celtic festival where streets are shut down so white people can throw logs… and drink beer at 11 am. Or the Renaissance Fair where white dudes wear pantyhose and pretend not to like it… and drink beer at 11 am.  And how many black folks are expected to show up to a polar plunge? Give me a fucking break!

10) “Okay, but you have to let some of this shit go!”

No I fucking do not.