Spirit Day, Beauty Blogging, and Brambien (Low Calorie Spiced Cider)

Firstly:

a) It’s #SpiritDay, I’m home from work, which means I didn’t bother to draw on my eyebrows, so here’s a pic of my purple nails instead of a selfie:

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b) Go like and share my business/beauty blog page, High Femme 420!

I’m trying to get better at blogging with consistency, but ADD, health issues, employment, and life tend to get in the way. I’m also discovering I have an “all or nothing” mindset, and thus a bad habit of over-thinking, over-explaining, and over-editing. If I feel a blog post isn’t hilarious, poignant, awe-inspiring, compelling, inspiring, and all those other big fancy ass words the critics use to convey fondness, I say “fuck it” and pour myself a drink instead.

Since I haven’t posted a recipe in a while either, why not share my favorite “nighty-night”?

Like most creative geniuses, (HA!) I suffer from insomnia and rely on prescription sleep aids, which don’t always work well on their own, so when I see the “warning” label “alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication”, I accept it as a challenge.

Challenge. Accepted.

Challenge. Accepted.

It should be noted that I’m not a medical professional in any capacity, but if you’re seeking medical advice on a wordpress site, you’re already fucked. Moving right along…

My sleep aid of choice is Ambien, and nighttime drink of choice is this concoction of hot apple cider, cinnamon tea, brandy, and ambien, which I’ve christened “brambien”.

I love hot cider, but it’s loaded with sugar, and as a T1D, I have to watch my carb intake (I have so many health issues, if I was a kitten, my mama would’ve eaten me).

My solution is to cut the cider with strong brewed cinnamon tea. It’s also more economical, which makes this ideal for holiday parties/potlucks, and cinnamon is naturally sweet, so additional sweeteners are usually unnecessary, but feel free to add a pinch of splenda if needed.

This can easily be made as a single serving for those petflix-n-chill nights with the cats, or a crockpot full for parties or especially rough days, just omit the pills if serving to others.

***Brambien***

per serving:

1/2 cup apple cider (usually found in the produce section this time of year)

1/2 hot water

1 cinnamon tea bag (I use celestial seasonings, apple cinnamon)

pills to taste

slice(s) of orange and/or lemon (optional)

fuckton of brandy (optional, but if using, always add just before serving so the alcohol doesn’t evaporate)

For single serving; heat cider and water in a microwave-safe measuring cup for 3 minutes, add teabag and lemon/orange slices if using, and brew for 3-5 minutes, add booze and enjoy over pills.

For a crockpot full (12ish generous servings); in a large soup pot, heat 1/2 gallon cider and 1/2 gallon water on stove top until boiling, dump in crockpot, and add 10 teabags, and lemon/orange slices if using, and allow to brew on low heat, add brandy just before serving.

 

 

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30 Minute One Pot Wonder Spanikki

I. Fucking. LOVE Martha Stewart! She’s just the shit!

Even after being fucked over by her dickhole first husband, framed for insider trading (like she would seriously risk her multi-million dollar empire for $250,000?!), and later subjected to a completely unjust prison sentence (I hate America), she always emerges unscathed and even bad-assier than before. I mean, did you see her roasting Justin Bieber?!

#Dead!!!

Though I may never see the merits in vacuuming my grass or covering lampshades in moss, I admire her tenacity nonetheless.

I enjoy cooking and crafting, and I’m domestic as fuck, But only Martha Stewart can be Martha Stewart everyday. Sometimes you just need some spaghettiOs and purple drank.

Sadly, spaghettiOs are not vegan, but spanikki is!

So you’re broke, lazy, hungry, short on time, and forgot to keep a stash of independence sauce in the freezer, and now you’re tempted to order takeout? Put the phone down (you’re broke, remember?) and make spanikki instead.

Spanikki is quick, easy, cheap, (SHUT UP!) carnivore friendly, comes together with a few pantry staples, and you only have to dirty one pot; what more could you ask for? Oh yeah, and you can throw in whatever leftovers you have lying around. Broccoli, spinach, sweet potatoes; there’s not much that won’t work.

The secret to making this one pot is angel hair pasta. Angel hair is like spaghetti noodles, but much thinner and therefor has a shorter cooking time.

This recipe makes a metric fuckton, so if you’re single, either invite some friends over, or take it to work all week. I’m thinking about starting a non-profit adopt-a-bachelor/bachelorette program so I can unload all the extra food I make.

*Spanikki*

1/4 cup EVOO

1 small onion, diced

Salt and Pepper

1 pint mushrooms, diced (optional) (portabellos are nice, but plain white buttons work well too and cost less. Whatever you do, do NOT use canned!)

3 cloves garlic, minced (If you don’t have fresh, 2 teaspoons garlic powder will work, just know that I am judging you.)

1/4 cup red wine or balsamic vinegar (Actual chefs will disagree, but I can’t tell the difference cooking-wise)

1 tablespoon soy sauce (makes it taste meatier)

1 28oz can crushed tomatoes

1 14oz can diced tomatoes (you can use all diced, but not all crushed as the fluid from the diced is need to properly cook the pasta)

2 tablespoons tomato paste (I like the kind in the tube because it’s less wasteful, but if you only have canned, spray an ice cube tray with pam and freeze remaining paste for later. Spray a sheet of plastic wrap as well to cover.)

1 tablespoon sugar

1/2 box angel hair pasta

1/4 cup nutritional yeast (optional, but if you have it, use it! It’s the shit!)

fresh or freeze-dried basil (optional)

  1. Heat oil over medium low in a stockpot or paella pan, and add onions, salt, and pepper. Adding the salt and pepper now helps mellow out the onions. Saute for 5 minutes.
  2. Add mushrooms, leftover veggies (if using), garlic, and vinegar or wine, turn heat up to medium, and saute for 5 minutes.
  3. Add crushed and diced tomatoes and sugar, bring to a low boil, and adjust salt and pepper.
  4. Crack pasta in half and add to the pot.
  5. Cover and simmer for 10 minutes, stirring every 2-3 minutes.
  6. Add nooch and basil. I’m a huge fan of litehouse brand freeze dried herbs, which can typically be found in the produce section.

spanikki

Serves-6-8

If you’re feeling especially ambitious, make garlic crescents as well. Simply unroll a package of crescent rolls (accidentally vegan, and warm bread just screams “classy”), brush with melted Earth Balance or EVOO, spread on very finely minced garlic or garlic powder (again, I am judging you), sprinkle with nooch, roll and bake at 400 degrees for 10-12 minutes.

Bitchin Broccoli

Bitchin; an adjective we desperately need to bring back.

Broccoli; a bitchin  vegetable well deserving of a moment in the spotlight.

Don’t get me wrong; I fucking love kale, but hipsters ruined it for everybody. Luckily, they’ve yet to suck the joy out of beautifully simple, unsung hero, broccoli.

Broccoli is cheap, easy, fast *Must… Refrain… From making… Lame joke…* and healthy. *Made it!*

No, I’m not going to site sources; this is a blog, not a fucking science journal. Google that shit.

As the lone vegan in my household, I typically cook a carcass for my family with vegan sides to avoid the hassle of cooking two separate meals. This broccoli is reminiscent of Chinese takeout and goes well with pretty much anything, even on pizza. But then again, I do a lot of drugs, so you may want a second opinion before trying it on pizza.

Frozen broccoli is cheaper and nutritionally identical to fresh, so save your money for weed.

Unless you coupon (yes, coupon is a verb now), store brands are probably going to be cheaper, but I find it’s worth it to spend a bit more on florets instead of stalks; stalks are better for soups and crockpot recipes that require long cooking times. I only use the special steamer bags if they’re on sale, otherwise, poking holes in regular bags works just the same.

This recipe calls for hoisin sauce, which is usually found near the soy sauce, and cuts the bitterness making this recipe kid-friendly. My favorite brand is Soy Vay garlic, but if you can’t find it, just add a clove of minced garlic to plain hoisin.

***Bitchin Broccoli***

1 bag frozen broccoli (This method also works well with carrots, brussel sprouts, string beans, cauliflower, zucchini, or squash.)

2 tablespoons hoisin sauce

2 tablespoons sesame or olive oil

1 tablespoon soy sauce

pepper

1) Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

2) Line a cookie sheet with foil or wax paper (optional, but makes cleanup much easier)

3) Poke a few holes in broccoli bag and microwave for 3 minutes.

4) Empty microwaved broccoli into a gallon sized ziploc, add remaining ingredients, and shake until coated. Ziploc can be used to store leftovers, but there probably won’t be any.

5) Spread broccoli evenly on cookie sheet and bake for 10-15 minutes. Broccoli is ready when it looks like this:

 As always, thanks for reading, and feel free to share your favorite veggie recipes in the comments 🙂

Vegan Baked Ziti

I was diagnosed with a wheat allergy a couple months ago, and the transition has been hell!

Not to be confused with Celiac’s disease, or gluten intolerance, I can still eat oats and rye, so it could be worse, but I fucking love bread! Real bread, not the wheat-free plywood shit they try to pass off as “bread”. That shit tastes like a loaf of despair.

Though I don’t mind replacing pasta with “zoodles”, zucchini is not substantial enough to hold up to a long baking, it’ll get mushy and watery. I’ve discovered that Ronzoni gluten free pasta in the yellow box is a perfect replacement. It tastes like regular pasta, isn’t much more expensive, and as far processed GF foods go, is relatively high in protein. (I’m not a Kroger shill, I promise! Though I’m not opposed to the possibility of affiliate blogging… have your people call my people).

By US law, foods labeled “GF” must be wheat free, but if you’re vegan or have other allergies, double check the label as many contain eggs.

Yesterday I shared my basic red sauce recipe, today I’ll be sharing one of the many things one can do with a stash of sauce in the freezer; baked ziti.

Of course, you can use any pasta you want, it’s just a matter of personal preference.

I add whatever leftover vegetables I have lying around to the tofu mixture. Cauliflower, yellow squash, chopped spinach, onions, mashed potatoes, carrots, or corn work well.

If your sauce is frozen, thaw by running bag under hot water until loosened and plop into a microwave safe bowl. Heat in 1 minute increments until hot.

Vegan Baked Ziti:

1 box pasta of your choice, cooked 5 minutes less than package directs (Seriously, I’m not going to tell you how to boil water.)

1 cup reserved pasta water

4 cups basic red sauce

1 package tofu. No need to drain, firm silken works best, but any kind will work.

3-4 cloves peeled garlic

1 tablespoon lemon juice or apple cider vinegar

1/4 cup EVOO

1 cup nutritional yeast (Optional, but if you can find it, use it! It’s cheesy and high in protein.)

Salt and Pepper

1) Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

2) Spray a casserole pan with pam and set aside.

3)Mix boiled, drained, pasta, reserved water, and sauce in the pasta pot and set aside.

4) Place remaining ingredients in blender and mix until smooth and mayonnaise-like. Taste to adjust seasonings.

5) Place half the pot of noodles and sauce in casserole pan, pour tofu mixture evenly over top, add remaining pasta.

6) Cover in foil and bake for 1 hour.

7) Allow to sit for at least 30 minutes before eating. Go watch OITNB to distract yourself 🙂

Serves 8-10. Total 2 hours prep, with about 15 minutes of hands on time.

*freezes beautifully

*kid friendly

*GF

*Potluck favorite

*Economical

*Low calorie, high protein