Wooden Family Christmas Newsletter 2016 and Photo Dump

Merry Solstice, Loved Ones!

It’s been quite the year!

Firstly; please forgive the author for referring to herself in the third person 🙂

Everyone’s favorite Wooden, Nikki, is still well adept at dropping the “F bomb” in any fucking part of a sentence, which is part of her charm;

Fucking Va Beach. #ClassicNikki

still crazy as fuck, (also part of her charm) and still diabetic as fuck, which sucks 😥

But she’s still employed, somehow NOT back in prison, and best of all, NOT remarried, so we’ll count this as a win.

We can all drink to that!

Why is this a thing? Whyyyy?!

Why is this a thing? Whyyyy?!

Jr continues to bring shame to the family and will never measure up to his stunning, talented, witty, and humble sister, nor will his eyebrows ever be as perfectly sharpied, but he managed to go another successful week of not pooping his breeches, so there’s that. Please keep him in your prayers. Bless his heart.

Jr Jr and Bubba amaze us everyday with how quickly they’re growing and maturing, which can be attributed to the influence of their favorite aunt.

Ma and Pa Wooden will be celebrating 34 years of marriage this March. Being that their favorite child will be turning 34 in July, this goes to show that if you wait until marriage, the Good Lord will bless you with delivery of a healthy 10 lb baby at four months. Only Jezebels suffer 9 month pregnancies 🙂

Grandma Cooke, and Big Mama and Big Daddy Wooden try to downplay how much they love their favorite grandchild and only granddaughter the most, but they ain’t fooling nobody.

Y’all’s truly,

Pumpkin 🙂

And now the 2016 year end photo dump:

And look at what you'll be capable of when the timing is right! #OilSlickHair

#OilSlickHair

I'm still feminist as fuck :)

I’m still feminist as fuck 🙂

#BodyPos

#NoWaistLine #NoAss #NoFucksToGive

My solution to dad refusing to use "girl soap". #FixedIt

My solution to dad refusing to use “girl soap”.
#FixedIt

This is why you don't wear vans to a mudbog. #redneckognize #CountryDykeCanSurvive

This is why you don’t wear vans to a mudbog. #redneckognize #CountryDykeCanSurvive

Yep.

Yep.

Searches that led to here.

Searches that led to here. I have no further commentary.

Pets with henefits #Punglasses

Pets with henefits
#Punglasses

#Doublefisting #DontJudge

#Doublefisting #DontJudge

Privacy? Boundaries? What are those? #NoShame

Privacy? Boundaries? What are those? #NoShame

#PommyMommy

#PommyMommy

Because fuck you, that's why

Because fuck you, that’s why.

Cat lady porn

Cat lady porn

Whoever you are, marry me!

Whoever you are, marry me!

It's okay to be jealous.

It’s okay to be jealous.

My birthday :)

My birthday 🙂

:'( :'( #UglyCrying

😥 😥 #UglyCrying

#Halloween #PrinceTribute #purplerain #SexyMotherfucker #DarlingNikki

#Halloween #PrinceTribute #purplerain #SexyMotherfucker #DarlingNikki

#WakeNBake #420 #NoMakeUp #NoFilter

#WakeNBake #420 #NoMakeUp #NoFilter

FYI; both these stores were a profound disappointment

FYI; both these stores were a profound disappointment

In my draws, frosting a cake at 3 am. #HowIRoll

It was a rough week.

It was a rough week.

Story of my life.

Story of my life.

Vegan rainbow cake.

Vegan rainbow cake.

Why are cat paws so cute?! #SQUEEE #CatLadyPorn

Why are cat paws so cute?! #SQUEEE #CatLadyPorn

The joys of living in Prince George Va. I have no time for willful ignorance. Bless their hearts.

The joys of living in Prince George Va.
I have no time for willful ignorance.
Bless their hearts.

Merry Solstice, y'all!

Merry Solstice, y’all!

 

Election 2016 The Fresh President of The White House

I have a hunch my political leanings are fairly clear (*cough*#ImWithHer *ahem*), and if you’re still undecided at this point, ain’t shit I can say or do to help, so let’s put our differences aside for a moment and share a laugh 😀

We all have that Facebook friend we can depend on for hilarity, and this morning’s offering made me spew grapefruit out my nostrils!

This made my day!

This made my day!

Fresh Prince will forever hold a special place in my heart as my introduction into blasphemy:

Big Mama had a coronary when she saw this!

Since I have nothing better to do, (besides voting, of course!) I now present The Fresh President of White House:

Now this is a story all about how

the election got flip-turned upside down,

And I’d like to take a ballot,

just vote right left there 😉

I’ll tell you how I became president and upheld Obamacare

Iiinnn West Park Ridge Illinois,

Born and raised,

Model UN where I spent most of my days

Feministing, debating, ball busting all cool,

and all pushing for adequate funding to the public school,

when a couple Republicans, up to no good,

started campaigning in the neighborhood!

I lost one lousy primary, and my party got scared,

said “why don’t you stick with law, and do something with that hair!”

I worked hard for a chance, and when it came near

I shattered the glass ceiling without any fear

If anything, I can say that this chance is rare,

But Tim and I got this shit,

We make a winning pair!

I. Might. Have lost the election in two thousand and eight,

but this is too important to leave up to fate!

Took a look at white-house, it’ll be a relief

When all the states are called, and I’m the first commandHER in chief!

We all know how great I am at both of these things.

We all know how great I am at both of these things.

Shingles, migraine, and cramps on top of T1D, depression and anxiety, eyebrows and nails look like shit, still got my ass to the polls (gigity) What's your excuse? I just noticed the sticker's upside down, I'm also a tiny bit medicated.

Shingles, migraine, and cramps on top of T1D, depression and anxiety, eyebrows and nails look like shit, still got my ass to the polls (gigity) What’s your excuse?
I just noticed the sticker’s upside down, I’m also a tiny bit medicated.

Porn and Puppies

Sorry about the misleading title, but “conclusion of 30 day writing challenge” sounds boring.

You can catch up on my progress here.

Day 29 was technically yesterday, but I had a shitty connection, so I’ll be covering days 29 and 30.

Mom, Grandma, Aunt Tina, and anyone else related to me, Stop. Reading. NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

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30 Day Writing Challenge, Day 29; My 21st Birthday:

The year was 2004, I was fresh out of a three year relationship with this winner, and determined to have my first one night stand. I was pretty sure I was gay, but the only dude I’d ever fucked at the time looked like a troll doll in a trucker hat and had a 2″ swizzlestick, so I wanted to sample something a little more conventionally handsome* before finding a girlfriend.

It should be noted I’d only been drunk three times at this point; once when I was 10 and didn’t realize the punch my aunt brought over was alcoholic, once when I was 11, and pissed off because I felt I was too old to have a babysitter, so I decided to “prove my maturity” by taking shots of rum, (Mom made me go to school hungover as fuck, but I never had a babysitter after that, so I count it as a win.) and once when I was 20 because I was depressed no one showed up at my Halloween party.

In other words, I was/am a lightweight. I can smoke and pop pills all day long, but get a couple drinks in me, and I start crying, calling people, and pulling my boobs out.

Anywho, I started my day by driving to the local convenience store to buy my first 40, and nursed it until it was time to get ready.

I then dressed in a hot pink, bedazzled, tube dress, and accessorized with a pair of shoulder grazing hoop earrings inscribed with “miss thang”, and glittery silver stilettos.

I wish the fashion infractions ended there, but my mom had ordered a spray tan gun from QVC, and with my natural pale olive skin tone as a base, I looked as if I’d been hosed in betadine.

Being natives of Surry/Prince George county, (I claim both depending on what offensive behavior of mine I’m trying to excuse) my friend and I decided to go all out and start our evening at the fanciest joint around; Olive Garden.

It’s a good thing my dress was lycra, because I was taking a break from my low carb diet, and put away about 8 pounds of breadsticks. I also ordered my first liquor drink; a peach bellini. The server was trying to hit on me, so he bought me a second one.

So far I’m up to one 40, and two weak ass chain restaurant drinks, but being a lightweight, my friend had to drag me down off the table where I was break-dancing to that weird elevator music the O.G. loves to blast.

My friend was not yet 21, so we went to an 18+ bar in Richmond called Catch 22. It was every bit as douchetastic as the name implies.

I must pause here to thank Goddess phones didn’t take pictures or video back then. Moving right along, the bouncer announced it was my birthday, so several patrons bought me shots.

The last thing I remember is throwing my ass on a beautiful, bronze Adonis bearing a striking resemblance to Jesse Metcalf, (I LOVED Passions!)

Jesse

Turns out sugarbreeches bore more of a resemblance to Cheech Marin. Bless his heart. Also, “throwing my ass” was more like “grinding my ass on his junk like I ran out of toilet paper and had to wipe with the empty roll”.

Cheech

My friend mercifully cock-blocked me and dragged me outside, where apparently, I took my shoes off, and draped myself across a trashcan, exposing my beige spanx for all the world to see.

No dramatic conclusion, that’s how my 21st went.

*Everyone’s coming out experience is different, I believed I was bisexual for several years, and though I had to experience dating dudes to figure it out, that’s not true for everybody, nor is it true bisexual people are “just confused” or “haven’t decided yet”. Also, don’t conflate sexuality with gender identity. I write about my experience as a cis-lesbian, and I don’t presume to speak for anyone but me.

And now Day 30!

30 Day Writing Challenge, Day 30; Something I’m excited for:

Ladies night with my OG PGHS bitches!!! #ClassOf2001

12143291_10206607032646471_793527740385529114_n

jojo

An Ode to Ambien

wedding do over

As y’all might be aware, I. Fucking. Hate. Christmas. But as us Woodens are wont to do, I make the best of it, and though I’m late, (A Wooden late? Whaaa?!) this year is no exception. The following masterpiece is sung to the tune of O Christmas Tree.

O Ambien:

O Ambien, O Ambien

Fuck, what month is it again?

O Ambien, O Ambien

Where’d I leave my pelican?

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Not only night when sleep is here

When mother-ship is getting near

O Ambien, O Ambien

Why am I chasing reindeer?

*

O Ambien, O Ambien

Such bat shit doth thou bring me!

O Ambien, O Ambien

Umm… Y’all see that too, right?

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For every night this sleeping pill

Hallucinate, you sure will

O Ambien, O Ambien

How FUBARed am I still?

*

O Ambien, O Ambien

You’ll ever fuck fuck me up again

More money for big pharma

Better stick with marijuana

*

Each written script

Each dollar spent

Lines the pockets of a corporate prick

*

O Ambien, O Ambien

Seriously, what day is it?

Your guess is as good as mine as to how it’s possible I don’t have a show. Maybe I should read this at a poetry slam?

Merry Valentine Equinox, Y’all! 🙂

White Church Christmas Pageant Vs Black Church Christmas Pageant

As I’ve established here and here, and after reviewing the guidelines of my biracial trump card, since I’ve experienced both, I’m allowed to make these jokes, and y’all are allowed to laugh 🙂

White Church Christmas Pageant Checklist:

Not-white attendees include:

A family of four black republicans, father and son wear matching sweater vests, mother wears gray pantsuit with a red blouse and a cross-shaped lapel pin next to the ever present American flag pin, daughter wears old school red and green plaid taffeta with a lace collar, and white stockings.

The pastor’s 24 year old daughter’s girlf  *ahem* “roommate” from “college”, though they graduated three years ago.

Other notable attendees:

At least one set of boy/girl twins named “Bella” and “Edward”

One 35ish year old man named “Atticus” after the lawyer in To Kill A Mockingbird 

Several children named Hannah, Ethan, Madison, Cheyenne, Dakota, Fox (short for Foxworth), Wolf (short for???), Liam, Xander, and Michaela

Setting:

5pm the Sunday before Christmas

Youth choir opens with Silent Night

Pastor’s 15 year old son performs a guitar solo of White Christmas as the preschool Sunday school class enters dressed as the innkeeper, Mary, Joseph, Angel Gabriel, three wise men, and the kids not assigned speaking roles dressed as camels and sheep.

No room at the inn, yada yada yada over in ten minutes

Senior Choir closes with Joy to The World

After service refreshments include:

coffee, hot chocolate, and mini water bottles

pre-portioned mini dixie cups of chex mix and goldfish crackers

Fruit tray with cool whip

Veggie tray with a bucket of ranch dressing

Plate of cheese cubes

Salami, cream cheese, mayonnaise, and pickle pinwheels, with a placard warning “a bit spicy, use caution!”

Green and red sugar cookies

Parting gift; mini fruitcake, wrapped in cellophane, tied with a red, green, and gold plaid ribbon, baked by the Extension Homemaker’s Committee with a card attached reading “From our family to yours, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!”

Everyone leaves by 6:30

Black Church Christmas Pageant Checklist:

Not-black attendees:

2 white chicks with fancy script wrist tattoos (I’m one of them):

 

"Dye" is meant to be punny, as in hair dye, because that's what I do at my day job :)

“Dye” is meant to be punny, as in hair dye, because that’s what I do at my day job 🙂

The mixed kid who also grew up and married a white chick, with their 2 kids, sitting together like four mini-marshmallows in a giant mug of hot chocolate (That would be my brother’s family):

Craig and Amy

craig and bubba

JrJr and Bubba

and for no reason whatsoever, the time Jr made front page news for winning a drag pageant:

Roxie

Mixed kid’s in-laws (not naming names) who shift uncomfortably as those around them stand to testify, clap offbeat, jump out of their skin every time a tambourine is shaken, damn near faint when asked to stand and identify their “home church”, and shrink back in terror when the praise dancers make their rounds.

Other notable attendees:

The “aunt” and “niece” who are both roughly around 70 years old and live in a one bedroom dwelling.

4 day old, 2 month premature baby with pierced ears named “A’miricle”

All married couples over 40 *Ahem* “Grownfolk” wearing matching red suits

Setting:

The Sunday before Christmas immediately following the regular service, which incidentally is also 5pm.

Program doesn’t actually start until 6pm.

One hour of open mic testimonials

30 minutes of “opening selections” (AKA, hymns) from the women’s choir

30 minutes of “praise selections” from the men’s choir

Each member of ages 3-5 Sunday school class emerge carrying alternating red and green glitter placards spelling “Jesus Is The Reason For The Season”, remaining kids are dressed as angels and shepherds. Each child has a line pertaining to their assigned letter. Angels and shepherds lead the way out carrying battery powered tea-lights.

Set up for actual program begins.

All “visitors” AKA, white folks, are asked to stand, state their name, and their “home church” (If you don’t belong to any church, make up something quick! Even if all you can think of is Holy Honky Tabernacle!)

6-10 age group Sunday school class reenact the manger scene.

Church Mother says “a few words”, and by a “few” I mean I want to know how she can stand so long needing the assistance of a walker, and I’m ready to pass out.

Preacher reads from the bible and asks for witnesses (I thought we were Baptists?)

Chairman of the deacon board (my dad) says a few words (Seriously, just a few, because he’s hungry)

Preacher’s wife pleads for us ladies to join her “Beautiful Spirithood Womanhood Club” i.e.; Help me and the other unmarried dyke find “purpose”.

15 minute tambourine solo

20 minutes of praise dancing

More selections

Preacher blesses the food before directing us to the annex (90 minutes)

After program refreshments:

Green sherbet punch and sweet tea

Fried chicken drumettes

Hot wings

Crockpot Meatballs

Ham rolls

Potato salad

A shrimp platter donated by that “uppity Jezebel who needs to dress like she’s in the house of the Lord and not in the house of the Whore”

Canned string beans with fatback

Raw broccoli, shredded cheese, and craisin salad bound with mayonnaise, donated by the other white chick

Various pre-sliced cakes and pies on mini paper plates, wrapped in saran wrap

Parting gift; A brown paper bag containing one apple, one orange, one Hershey’s kiss in red or green wrapper, a mini candy cane affixed to a card purporting that the “cane” is actually supposed to be a ‘J’ for Jesus (Bullshit, btw) two pecans still in the shell, and two walnuts still in the shell.

Everyone leaves just in time to catch Monday’s Judge Mathis