A Valentine’s Gift For All Y’all Namby Pamby Bitchwad Dickwits

The number one complaint readers bring to my attention is “why are you always so angry? Why can’t you write about something positive?”

The answer is because most of humanity (I’m using that word loosely here) sucks.

The second most common complaint is “why do you hate on Valentine’s day so much? Is it because you’re single?”

I may have mentioned my disdain for this goddessforsaken holiday once or twice, and I ain’t fittin to reiterate that shit, so the short answer is I hate what mainstream society considers “romance”.

To me, romance is knowing your SO hates flowers, stuffed animals, and jewelry, and would much rather prefer you wash dishes, fold a load of laundry, or scoop the litter box a few days throughout the year, even when it’s not “your turn”.

Or memorizing my Chipotle order, packing me a bowl, starting the coffee pot, just little things that indicate you’ve been paying attention.

But since y’all want me to write about something “positive”, here are ten things I love, in order from least to most:

10 ) That new pussy-friendly bubble bath

9 ) Duct tape

Replace loose sockets?! What, are you made of money? #DuctTape #RedneckRepairs #Redneckognize

Replace loose sockets?! What, are you made of money? #DuctTape #RedneckRepairs #Redneckognize

No insurance, no ace bandage; No problem! Use on ankle socks so they'll slide off easier and you won't have to waste more duct tape when you shower.

No insurance, no ace bandage; No problem! Use on ankle socks so they’ll slide off easier and you won’t have to waste more duct tape when you shower.

Headache? Aspirin's for liberals and Europeans. #DuctTape

Headache? Aspirin’s for liberals and Europeans.
#DuctTape

8 ) Fiscal responsibility in general. There’s nothing sexier than using coupons on a first date. Even if you don’t have your shit together now, it shows you’re planning for the future.

7) Tater tots, wine, hot sauce, and Big Mama’s pickles tied for #7

This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. #Homemade #pickles

This is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. #Homemade #pickles

6) Cheerwine, diet Dr Pepper, and diet coke, tied for #6

5) Jamberry and nail art in general

20170213_134403-1.jpg

4 ) Coffee!!! And bullet journal.

3 ) Cosmetology and writing tied for third.

Write or Dye

2 ) Cannabis *ahem* “alternative shrubbery”.

1 ) Family, whether by blood, or by choice, whether two legged or four, feathered or furry, I couldn’t be more blessed with my tribe 🙂

12143291_10206607032646471_793527740385529114_n

me and dad 2

me and craig

wpid-20150530_223831.jpg

JrJr and Bubba

 buttons

 

Wooden Family Christmas Newsletter 2016 and Photo Dump

Merry Solstice, Loved Ones!

It’s been quite the year!

Firstly; please forgive the author for referring to herself in the third person 🙂

Everyone’s favorite Wooden, Nikki, is still well adept at dropping the “F bomb” in any fucking part of a sentence, which is part of her charm;

Fucking Va Beach. #ClassicNikki

still crazy as fuck, (also part of her charm) and still diabetic as fuck, which sucks 😥

But she’s still employed, somehow NOT back in prison, and best of all, NOT remarried, so we’ll count this as a win.

We can all drink to that!

Why is this a thing? Whyyyy?!

Why is this a thing? Whyyyy?!

Jr continues to bring shame to the family and will never measure up to his stunning, talented, witty, and humble sister, nor will his eyebrows ever be as perfectly sharpied, but he managed to go another successful week of not pooping his breeches, so there’s that. Please keep him in your prayers. Bless his heart.

Jr Jr and Bubba amaze us everyday with how quickly they’re growing and maturing, which can be attributed to the influence of their favorite aunt.

Ma and Pa Wooden will be celebrating 34 years of marriage this March. Being that their favorite child will be turning 34 in July, this goes to show that if you wait until marriage, the Good Lord will bless you with delivery of a healthy 10 lb baby at four months. Only Jezebels suffer 9 month pregnancies 🙂

Grandma Cooke, and Big Mama and Big Daddy Wooden try to downplay how much they love their favorite grandchild and only granddaughter the most, but they ain’t fooling nobody.

Y’all’s truly,

Pumpkin 🙂

And now the 2016 year end photo dump:

And look at what you'll be capable of when the timing is right! #OilSlickHair

#OilSlickHair

I'm still feminist as fuck :)

I’m still feminist as fuck 🙂

#BodyPos

#NoWaistLine #NoAss #NoFucksToGive

My solution to dad refusing to use "girl soap". #FixedIt

My solution to dad refusing to use “girl soap”.
#FixedIt

This is why you don't wear vans to a mudbog. #redneckognize #CountryDykeCanSurvive

This is why you don’t wear vans to a mudbog. #redneckognize #CountryDykeCanSurvive

Yep.

Yep.

Searches that led to here.

Searches that led to here. I have no further commentary.

Pets with henefits #Punglasses

Pets with henefits
#Punglasses

#Doublefisting #DontJudge

#Doublefisting #DontJudge

Privacy? Boundaries? What are those? #NoShame

Privacy? Boundaries? What are those? #NoShame

#PommyMommy

#PommyMommy

Because fuck you, that's why

Because fuck you, that’s why.

Cat lady porn

Cat lady porn

Whoever you are, marry me!

Whoever you are, marry me!

It's okay to be jealous.

It’s okay to be jealous.

My birthday :)

My birthday 🙂

:'( :'( #UglyCrying

😥 😥 #UglyCrying

#Halloween #PrinceTribute #purplerain #SexyMotherfucker #DarlingNikki

#Halloween #PrinceTribute #purplerain #SexyMotherfucker #DarlingNikki

#WakeNBake #420 #NoMakeUp #NoFilter

#WakeNBake #420 #NoMakeUp #NoFilter

FYI; both these stores were a profound disappointment

FYI; both these stores were a profound disappointment

In my draws, frosting a cake at 3 am. #HowIRoll

It was a rough week.

It was a rough week.

Story of my life.

Story of my life.

Vegan rainbow cake.

Vegan rainbow cake.

Why are cat paws so cute?! #SQUEEE #CatLadyPorn

Why are cat paws so cute?! #SQUEEE #CatLadyPorn

The joys of living in Prince George Va. I have no time for willful ignorance. Bless their hearts.

The joys of living in Prince George Va.
I have no time for willful ignorance.
Bless their hearts.

Merry Solstice, y'all!

Merry Solstice, y’all!

 

An Ode to Ambien

wedding do over

As y’all might be aware, I. Fucking. Hate. Christmas. But as us Woodens are wont to do, I make the best of it, and though I’m late, (A Wooden late? Whaaa?!) this year is no exception. The following masterpiece is sung to the tune of O Christmas Tree.

O Ambien:

O Ambien, O Ambien

Fuck, what month is it again?

O Ambien, O Ambien

Where’d I leave my pelican?

*

Not only night when sleep is here

When mother-ship is getting near

O Ambien, O Ambien

Why am I chasing reindeer?

*

O Ambien, O Ambien

Such bat shit doth thou bring me!

O Ambien, O Ambien

Umm… Y’all see that too, right?

*

For every night this sleeping pill

Hallucinate, you sure will

O Ambien, O Ambien

How FUBARed am I still?

*

O Ambien, O Ambien

You’ll ever fuck fuck me up again

More money for big pharma

Better stick with marijuana

*

Each written script

Each dollar spent

Lines the pockets of a corporate prick

*

O Ambien, O Ambien

Seriously, what day is it?

Your guess is as good as mine as to how it’s possible I don’t have a show. Maybe I should read this at a poetry slam?

Merry Valentine Equinox, Y’all! 🙂

White Church Christmas Pageant Vs Black Church Christmas Pageant

As I’ve established here and here, and after reviewing the guidelines of my biracial trump card, since I’ve experienced both, I’m allowed to make these jokes, and y’all are allowed to laugh 🙂

White Church Christmas Pageant Checklist:

Not-white attendees include:

A family of four black republicans, father and son wear matching sweater vests, mother wears gray pantsuit with a red blouse and a cross-shaped lapel pin next to the ever present American flag pin, daughter wears old school red and green plaid taffeta with a lace collar, and white stockings.

The pastor’s 24 year old daughter’s girlf  *ahem* “roommate” from “college”, though they graduated three years ago.

Other notable attendees:

At least one set of boy/girl twins named “Bella” and “Edward”

One 35ish year old man named “Atticus” after the lawyer in To Kill A Mockingbird 

Several children named Hannah, Ethan, Madison, Cheyenne, Dakota, Fox (short for Foxworth), Wolf (short for???), Liam, Xander, and Michaela

Setting:

5pm the Sunday before Christmas

Youth choir opens with Silent Night

Pastor’s 15 year old son performs a guitar solo of White Christmas as the preschool Sunday school class enters dressed as the innkeeper, Mary, Joseph, Angel Gabriel, three wise men, and the kids not assigned speaking roles dressed as camels and sheep.

No room at the inn, yada yada yada over in ten minutes

Senior Choir closes with Joy to The World

After service refreshments include:

coffee, hot chocolate, and mini water bottles

pre-portioned mini dixie cups of chex mix and goldfish crackers

Fruit tray with cool whip

Veggie tray with a bucket of ranch dressing

Plate of cheese cubes

Salami, cream cheese, mayonnaise, and pickle pinwheels, with a placard warning “a bit spicy, use caution!”

Green and red sugar cookies

Parting gift; mini fruitcake, wrapped in cellophane, tied with a red, green, and gold plaid ribbon, baked by the Extension Homemaker’s Committee with a card attached reading “From our family to yours, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!”

Everyone leaves by 6:30

Black Church Christmas Pageant Checklist:

Not-black attendees:

2 white chicks with fancy script wrist tattoos (I’m one of them):

 

"Dye" is meant to be punny, as in hair dye, because that's what I do at my day job :)

“Dye” is meant to be punny, as in hair dye, because that’s what I do at my day job 🙂

The mixed kid who also grew up and married a white chick, with their 2 kids, sitting together like four mini-marshmallows in a giant mug of hot chocolate (That would be my brother’s family):

Craig and Amy

craig and bubba

JrJr and Bubba

and for no reason whatsoever, the time Jr made front page news for winning a drag pageant:

Roxie

Mixed kid’s in-laws (not naming names) who shift uncomfortably as those around them stand to testify, clap offbeat, jump out of their skin every time a tambourine is shaken, damn near faint when asked to stand and identify their “home church”, and shrink back in terror when the praise dancers make their rounds.

Other notable attendees:

The “aunt” and “niece” who are both roughly around 70 years old and live in a one bedroom dwelling.

4 day old, 2 month premature baby with pierced ears named “A’miricle”

All married couples over 40 *Ahem* “Grownfolk” wearing matching red suits

Setting:

The Sunday before Christmas immediately following the regular service, which incidentally is also 5pm.

Program doesn’t actually start until 6pm.

One hour of open mic testimonials

30 minutes of “opening selections” (AKA, hymns) from the women’s choir

30 minutes of “praise selections” from the men’s choir

Each member of ages 3-5 Sunday school class emerge carrying alternating red and green glitter placards spelling “Jesus Is The Reason For The Season”, remaining kids are dressed as angels and shepherds. Each child has a line pertaining to their assigned letter. Angels and shepherds lead the way out carrying battery powered tea-lights.

Set up for actual program begins.

All “visitors” AKA, white folks, are asked to stand, state their name, and their “home church” (If you don’t belong to any church, make up something quick! Even if all you can think of is Holy Honky Tabernacle!)

6-10 age group Sunday school class reenact the manger scene.

Church Mother says “a few words”, and by a “few” I mean I want to know how she can stand so long needing the assistance of a walker, and I’m ready to pass out.

Preacher reads from the bible and asks for witnesses (I thought we were Baptists?)

Chairman of the deacon board (my dad) says a few words (Seriously, just a few, because he’s hungry)

Preacher’s wife pleads for us ladies to join her “Beautiful Spirithood Womanhood Club” i.e.; Help me and the other unmarried dyke find “purpose”.

15 minute tambourine solo

20 minutes of praise dancing

More selections

Preacher blesses the food before directing us to the annex (90 minutes)

After program refreshments:

Green sherbet punch and sweet tea

Fried chicken drumettes

Hot wings

Crockpot Meatballs

Ham rolls

Potato salad

A shrimp platter donated by that “uppity Jezebel who needs to dress like she’s in the house of the Lord and not in the house of the Whore”

Canned string beans with fatback

Raw broccoli, shredded cheese, and craisin salad bound with mayonnaise, donated by the other white chick

Various pre-sliced cakes and pies on mini paper plates, wrapped in saran wrap

Parting gift; A brown paper bag containing one apple, one orange, one Hershey’s kiss in red or green wrapper, a mini candy cane affixed to a card purporting that the “cane” is actually supposed to be a ‘J’ for Jesus (Bullshit, btw) two pecans still in the shell, and two walnuts still in the shell.

Everyone leaves just in time to catch Monday’s Judge Mathis

Flashback Friday; Restoring The Faith

For those of y’all who’ve never met Craig Sr, there’s nothing more agonizing for him than parting with his cash. Whenever he opens his wallet, he sheds a single morose tear of despair, creeping mournfully down his cheek before falling poignantly off his trembling chin. It’s more heartbreaking to watch than those damn Sarah McLaughlin commercials. (SN; not trying to be tacky, but he makes decent money as a nuclear engineer and grew up middle class. There’s no reason for him to be like this.)

For example; He has to pre-med for dental cleanings, so he stops by the pharmacy en route to his appointment. He refuses to go back to CVS because they didn’t have a water fountain, therefor he had to pay “$1.29 for a dadgum CAN of soda! Not even a 20oz, but a CAN!!! CVS must think we’re Rockefellers! Ain’t there laws against this chicanery? I’m being fleeced!”

At this moment, he’s begging mom to “talk some sense into” the insurance company to switch coverage to a pharmacy that “has some dang scruples and integrity” i.e.; a water fountain.

I’m having gallstone issues and trouble keeping anything down, and when I asked dad to pick me up some Gatorade because I’m dehydrated, he said verbatim, with nary a hint of facetiousness, “Why do you have such expensive taste? I raised you better.”

He once caused a 40 minute long backup in a parking garage because he forgot to get his permit validated, and was being “extorted” for $2. I begged him to just take out of my allowance, to which he replied “No! This is a matter of principles!” and finally relented only because I was struck by the most fortunate bout of hypoglycemia.

The first sign we knew dad was critically ill was when he voluntarily treated us to lunch at a restaurant with neither napkin dispensers nor value menu, when it was nobody’s birthday or anniversary, and then tipped $40 on a $30 tab. We left the restaurant and headed to the hospital where he underwent surgery the very next day.

I. Shit. Y’all. Not. Dad willingly spent money, and our next step was taking him to the hospital and calling his pastor.

All of these and more is why I asked one of my BFFs if I die before Dad, wait a couple days, then log into my Facebook and write “Is Dad spending money up there? Because Satan keeps talking about a cold front headed our way”.

Back to the flashback.

On Christmas the year I turned 7, I recognized the candy in my stocking from Big Mama’s candy dish- you know, the one all grandmas have with worthers originals, peppermints, rock hard tootsie rolls in obscure flavors, and those fucking weird strawberry things that manifest out of nowhere?

Anywho, when I confronted dad about this, he said “Santa must’ve seen you eating them at Big Mama’s and knew you liked them.”

Mmm hmm. Even as a young child, I was a realist. I smelled bullshit.

I had the DFWM glare down by 5.

I had the DFWM glare down by 5.

(I later found out my parents realized at around midnight on Christmas eve they’d forgotten about our stockings and Big Mama saved their hides! Lol)

Fast forward to the following Christmas. My brother and I awoke at 4am to find brand new bicycles in our living room! There was no way in hell our dad payed for them! My faith in Santa was restored!

It was then dad groggily strolled through in his tighty whities* with the long eroded elastic band penned to his hip with a clothespin, and donning his then 20 year old tee-shirt** (which he STILL has, btw) bearing the lovely sonnet of

“It used to be wine, woman, and song,

Now it’s beer, old lady and TV”

(Oh, how I wish I were exaggerating), I heard him yell to our mom “THOSE BRATS GOT BICYCLES!!!” to which mom replied, “You’re lying! They’ve been nothing but assholes all year!”.

It was then my faith in Santa was confirmed!

It didn’t strike me as odd at the time as to why dad was up so early, but I later found out it was because he’d stayed up all night assembling them, and had finished just as Jr and I woke up.

Dad, after eating and getting dresses, passed out on the living room floor Xmas Afternoon :')

Dad, after eating and getting dressed, passed out on the living room floor Xmas Afternoon :’)

His frugality may occasionally border on extreme, but there’s nothing I would change. I was/am one of the few in my friend group who has an admirable father. He sat through every insufferable pageant I was in, paid for my wedding, took me in when my marriage ended in painfully predictable disaster, and encourages my feminism by taking care of me so I don’t have to depend on some dude 😉

He may be chagrined about my taste in “fancy high dollar” sports drinks, but he’s right; we in fact do have “perfectly potable water for free at home”:

Perfectly "potable"

Perfectly “potable”

And I’m perfectly capable of adding “a pinch of salt and food coloring”. It doesn’t make sense to buy “high end beverages” when I “ain’t earning Gatorade money.”

Dad’s wisdom has served me well, and saved me plenty of money over the years:

 

Replace loose sockets?! What, are you made of money? #DuctTape #RedneckRepairs #Redneckognize

Replace loose sockets?! What, are you made of money? #DuctTape #RedneckRepairs #Redneckognize

Phone + tumbler = sound system

Phone + tumbler = sound system

Headache? Aspirin's for liberals and Europeans. #DuctTape

Headache? Aspirin’s for liberals and Europeans.
#DuctTape

No insurance, no ace bandage; No problem! Use on ankle socks so they'll slide off easier and you won't have to waste more duct tape when you shower.

No insurance, no ace bandage; No problem! Use on ankle socks so they’ll slide off easier and you won’t have to waste more duct tape when you shower.

And that^ is the greatest gift of all 🙂

*It should be noted that dad has/had several packages of new draws, which he refuses to open until he encounters a “blowout”, at which point the blown-out pair are relegated to car waxing rags.

** This adds absolutely nothing to this story, but he also owned a 40 year old Anheuser/Busch SWAG tee-shirt depicting frogs lying on their backs whilst holding cans of bud, with the caption “comatoads”. It finally disintegrated in the dryer and went on to that flea market in the sky. It was a tragic day for all 😦

Fuck Valentine’s Day III and Easy Vegan Crack Coffee

I’ve made my opinion of this goddess forsaken holiday abundantly clear here, here, and here, and this year’s no different.

I couldn’t be happier about my freedom to fuck whoever I want,

but as usual, my news feed is filled with tales of woe by single folks, so here’s a tale to boost your spirits, (or at least boost your self esteem):

The year was 2010, unbeknownst to me, my husband had been cheating with a 19 year old waffle house waitress (because my life is one big Jeff Foxworthy joke) and thus began a weightlifting regime in order to impress his young mistress.

Valentine’s day fell on a Sunday that year, and though I was usually off on Sundays, I had to be at work at 9:30 am to paint the hooves of a coven of mini-van driving, skort wearing, soccer mom, bitchbiscuits who assumed the tips were included in the spa packages.

Y’all know the type; the ones with stick figure family and soccer ball decals on their Chrysler town & country, complain tattoo’d folks ruin the “high end spa experience” (Bitch, we were in a strip mall next to a rent-a-center!), give all wives of LEOs and Military a bad rap by bragging about their husbands’ status (for fuck’s sake, just say you’re unemployed.), and have standing weekly mani-pedi appointments so they can bemoan how little “me-time” they have, though they obviously have at least six free hours a month and two free hours a day to maintain this haircut:

Photo stolen from weknowmemes.com

Anywho, my alarm was set at the very last fucking minute because I’ll be goddamned if I was gonna make an effort to look nice for these cuntcakes.

Fifteen minutes before my alarm was set to go off, my husband woke me up by nudging me and instructing me to keep my eyes closed. I was annoyed, but I knew he had a 5 am gym session, and figured since it was valentine’s day, he’d surprised me with a pumpkin spice soy latte (I’m half white, SHUT UP!), so humoring him, I sat up in bed.

“Now open” he said.

I opened my eyes to find nary a latte, but my husband with his sweatpants down around his ankles.

“What the ever lovin fuckity fuck?!” I asked.

He responded “Check out my quads.”

Allow me to reiterate; my gift from my husband was the opportunity to feast my eyes upon the same hairy hamburger meat loins I saw every fucking day.

“It can’t possible get any worse!” you say? You haven’t been following this blog long.

He then turned around, dropped his draws, and said “now check out my glutes!”.

Don’t get me wrong, I had always instructed him not to buy me valentine’s day gifts, and I wasn’t expecting one, but I was also expecting to sleep for another fifteen fucking minutes!

FYI; future potential suitors, do NOT wake me up unless either I’m in immanent danger, or you’re presenting me with a vegan latte.

My sister-in-law is addicted to the frozen lattes sold at 7/11 she dubbed “crack coffee”, but has since developed lactose intolerance and was going through withdrawals until I introduced her to homemade crack coffee.

 This recipe is adapted from The BrokeAss Gourmet and can be enjoyed hot or cold.

Per serving:

Hot latte:

4 oz strong brewed coffee (I use 4 T per 6oz water and freeze the leftovers for cold lattes)

1 cup vegan milk, heated in microwave until boiling (I always buy unsweetened. My favorites in order; cashew, almond, coconut, soy)

1 T sweetener of choice (optional) (I like dates, but table sugar, splenda, agave nectar, or flavored syrup work well)

Option add ins:

1 T coconut oil (makes it “milkier” and great for your skin)

1 T chia or flax seeds (great way to add protein, but also add sliminess :/ )

1 t extract (vanilla, almond, maple, mint; whatever you like)

Add all ingredients to blender and blend the fuck out of it for three minutes.

Cold latte:

4 frozen coffee cubes

1 cup vegan milk

1 T sweetener

1/2 banana (optional)

1-2 T peanut butter

Chocolate syrup

Same optional add ins as hot latte

Blend until smooth.

Oh, and I haven’t forgotten about you hopeless romantics out there, here’s a selection of realistic valentines for the ones you tolerate, from Niktorious NIK:

And for my fellow lesbians:

Twas the Night Before Stoner Christmas and Lazy Ass Vegan Tacos.

#NOThigh

Twas the night before stoner Christmas
When all through the house
Nary a fuck was given
Not even an ounce
The bongs were packed
By the smokers with care
In hopes that Fritos
Soon would be there
The stoners sprawled out all over the beds
While visions of burritos danced in their heads
Some chick I just met 45 minutes ago in her draws
And I in my hemp thread wrap
Had just settled in for a long winter’s nap
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I strolled slowly to see what was the matter
Out of the window I saw blue lights flash
I quickly stashed the cash and the hash
Flashlight shone on the bong in my hand
Baggies clearly visible on the night stand
When what to my reddening eyes should appear
But Bubba out front, drinking a beer
With his old lady wielding a stick
Hitting his head swiftly and quick
More rapid than NASCAR his swears they came
He shoulda thought twice ‘fore calling her a name
“You see what happened was” Bubba began to say
Cops reminded him of rights to wait for court day
I LOVE YOU JOLLEEN he shouted anyway
Sir she’s only fourteen and a runaway
I made some poporn to watch the spectacle
Bubba had better pray for a miracle
Face down in the snow hands cuffed behind his back
Officers found several baggies of smack
The charges were steadily stacking up high
The heartbroken hillbilly began to cry
The cops then took a peak inside Jolleen’s purse
His predicament went from bad to much worse
Crack pipes and crystal and a weapon concealed
Bubba swore up and down that he never dealed
The paddywagon then hauled Bubba to jail
I took another hit and waited to exhale
The cops were then gone and the bong had tapped out
Weed was hard to grow on account of a drought
A new text on my phone was sent from my guy
“I’ve procured more” it read “how much can you buy”
He’s shady and greasy and kinda smells gross
But what can I say when I need him the most
His dreadlocks hang like old lint from the dryer
But who cares I’m fixin’ to get even higher
He came to my doorstep cannabis in tow
I paid him in cash and away he did go
I heard him exclaim as he drove outta sight
Where can I get a taco this time of night?

 

These lazy ass tacos come together quickly with a few pantry staples.

Lazy Ass Vegan Tacos:

Taco shells

Can of vegetarian refried beans

Jar of salsa

Sabra brand guacamole

bag of shredded cabbage mixed with a few tablespoons Veganaise or EVOO and Cilantro (or old bay if you’re craving fish tacos)

You don’t really need instructions do you? Put that shit in a shell and eat it.

Photo: Lazy ass vegan tacos. Recipe will be posted Wednesday :)