Cat’s Corner

I’ve written before about the perils of heterosexual dating, but I’ve been single and out the closet for five years now, so I’m kinda out of touch with how shittily men can behave when they feel entitled to sex.

After listening to a friend who’s smart, witty, and has her shit together talk about her ordeals with online dating, I begged her to write for me and I present to you a new segment here at Hummuscidal, Cat’s Corner!

This is her first blog post ever, but hopefully my dear readers will encourage her to pursue writing 🙂

And now Cat takes over: Enjoy!

What happened to the men of this world? When did we stop raising men to respect women and actually want to be in relationships? It seems these days, all men want is sex and nothing more. It doesn’t even matter if you’re pretty or have a great personality; the chances of finding a guy to date you vs. bang you are becoming dismal.
Oh and what makes it even worse? Those people who want to tell you to stop looking and you’ll find him. Ohhh…okay, so he’s going to magically appear on my couch while I’m binge watching Cupcake Wars? Good to know!
Or my all-time favorite: you have to love yourself 1st and be happy being alone! Who said I don’t love myself?! Why is WANTING a relationship a sign I have low self-esteem? Did I say I want a bad relationship? NO! I want that “best friends who turn each other on” type of relationship. I want the Ross to my Rachel; the Dan to my Roseanne; the – well you get the idea.
My issue is where the hell is he?! Meeting people isn’t what it used to be. In this day and age, online dating has become a thing of normalcy. But sadly, it’s allowed for higher forms of shallowness. I mean we base our connection off of how the person looks in photos. And apparently every guy on a dating site thinks they’re a 10, because if you’re anything less than an 8, they’re only interested if it means getting laid. I’ve never felt like such an ogre than I do after dealing with online dating. 😦
But even worse are the guys who convince you they like you and find you attractive and love your personality and that you’re having the most amazing connection ever. They tug at your emotions, making you think you might have finally met Mr. Amazing. And what do we do too often ladies? We give in! And then POOF, like magic, his schedule becomes just so much busier, his texts go from sentences to 2 words and eventually he just disappears into the horizon. And you’re left sitting on your couch crying while stuffing your face with a quart of Haagen-Dazs, wondering what YOU did wrong.
Well ladies, you did NOTHING wrong! Guys today are just jerks, plain and simple. They use us and then throw us away. Society wants us to believe that it’s our fault if we have sex too early, as if we’re slutty and gross for having a sex drive. But the guy had sex too soon too! Why is he just “being a guy?” Why isn’t he a slut and shamed?? Why isn’t he crying and gaining 10 lbs.? I am sick of the double standard!!!
It’s experiences like I’ve had that make me understand why some women just give up entirely. So next time you have a friend or family member who’s single, stop pestering them about being negative about dating or men in general. They’re negative because of the experiences they’ve had to encounter and it has caused them to build a wall around their heart, for fear that the next time it breaks, it’ll kill them.

Cat is a 30 something year old writer, accountant, and single lady trying to navigate the cesspool of internet dating. Her interest include cats, Garfield, cooking, bowling, and cupcake wars?

Cat is a 30 something year old writer, accountant, and single lady trying to navigate the cesspool of internet dating. Her interest include cats, Garfield, cooking, bowling, and cupcake wars ❤

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Guest Blogger, Hanson Mapantes, 34 ways to Please Your Ladyship

We’ve all seen women’s magazines with headlines like “807 ways to validate his toxic masculinity

or “649 self mutilation techniques to drive him wild”

But have you ever wondered what men’s magazines would look like if they followed suit? Well today’s guest blogger, Hanson Mapantes, is here to solve the mystery and offer a gratuitous photo of a cat wearing a hat.

*34 ways to please your ladyship* By: Hanson Mapantes
I bet you didn’t know that there are so many ways you are falling short of pleasing your lady. Thirty-four in fact, but that is just the number of ways you have failed today. There is plenty more opportunity to fail but don’t worry! We will give you good ideas of keeping your ladyship pleased and feeling like a lady, so that you do not have to think about hard things like how people do not like you.

1. Put a pineapple on her vagina! This is the symbol of hospitality.
2. Pretend like her ladyness is a boat and you’re the captain, ARGHH MATEY.
3. BANANA
4. Get up all in that!!
5. Put on a hat and tell her you’re gonna climb Mount Clitoris.
6. Don’t forget the labia! Use a Dremel to cleverly remove 12 layers of skin. This is an exfoliating treatment that ladies want to pay five thousand dollars for but you will do it for free just so you can shower in a room that has been cleaned this year.
7. Peel the banana and mash it in her pubes. Trust that the mashy feel is amazing for ladies who are sensitive everywhere.
8. Read this magazine TOGETHER and have her circle the things that don’t make her feel actively sick or laughing at your penis.
9. Set up base camp at Mt Clitoris. you’ll need: A lamp, a tent, a book about penguins, some protein bars, and a three-week old beard. Set the tent up over her legs and just hunker down in there. Read the book and tell her interesting penguin facts. Remember, for lady-types it’s all about the anticipation of you going down on her not the actual going-down-ness. (gross!) Plus, penguins are the best fathers of the animal world so she will associate you with penguins and that is a good thing for your long term mating prospects.
10. HAMMERTIME
11. Wear pants.
12. Crochet a tiny flag with your face on it, and put it on the banana pube mash just north of Mt Clitoris. Whisper that winter is coming.
13. Breathe REALLY deeply around her.
14. Print off coupons for Summer’s Eve and leave them lying all casual-like around the house. If she asks you about them, tell her “You don’t need that, I think you already smell like night-time.”
15. When she asks you to run to the store for tampons, go to COSTCO and get a whole crate. Men are providers and she will see your value and ignore the fedora.
16. Start eating salad with little pieces of clementine in it. Not only does it taste good, but she will instantly know that you “get her” and crave your seed.
17. Make large alphabet shapes with your tongue. When she gives you a funny look, just say, oh I bet you just wish I were going down on you right now.
18. Develop a sudden and inexplicable craving for clam chowder to make her feel less judged.
19. If she has a headache, get her an aspirin and a cool rag for her forehead. Then be sure to remind her that sex is always good for YOU when you have a headache.
20. When she’s in the mood for sexy time, say “Tonight is all about you, baby” and put on some Golden Girls reruns because that Blanche is a riot.
21. Remember to assure her that you’re a “NICE GUY”, this is best when done consistently and many times every day. Slip it into a regular conversation, for example “Would you like some coffee because I am a NICE GUY and respect you AS A WOMAN.” You don’t actually have to do any nice things because women are verbal learners.
22. Offer to pay for the abortion, but say you can’t drive her to the clinic because you’re up for a promotion. She will admire your ambition.
23. Take a pineapple slice out of a can and put it on top of her clitoris. Eat the pineapple, but do not touch the clitoris! She will be begging for a penis, any penis, but your penis is the closest so that will probably be good enough for her.
24. Put a jar of mangoes in the freezer. When they are all frozen, cut the jar open with a circular saw and pull the freezing mangoes out this will make a nice dildo when wrapped in wax paper and then you can eat it afterwards.
25. Make a swirling motion with your penis in her vagina.
26. Pretend to be a cat. Rub your face all over her vagine area and don’t be afraid to use your nose! The purring sounds will be orgasmic and you can say that you rubbed your pussy face all on her pussy. She will like the word play and want you to raise her children to be smart with words too.
27. Demonstrate your value by destroying any competition in the area. If there is a man nearby, say something mean about him but in a nice way. Like, “wow, that guy is so almost bald but I hear that baldness will save you money on shampoo.” Then mention that you like herbal essences but NOT because of the lady in the commercial having orgasms that you jerked off at in high school but because it makes your hairs silken, even pubes.
28. Shave your pubes into a dollar sign so if she decides a fellatio day is happening, you can say that it is “pay day”. Bonus points if you eat a payday bar while the fellatio is in progress, it will make your semen taste the best.
29. Your semen is probably normally disgusting, as is your body. You should only eat a strict body builder’s diet but rich in pineapple because that is maybe not the fruit company sponsoring this article.
30. Beards are a thing that maybe you can grow. If you grow a beard, make sure to have your lady take a lie detector test to find out if she is actually liking your beard or just lying to make you not feel like beard failure. She will appreciate the chance to be honest without having to say honest things about your beard.
31. Practice BANANA mantra. This is Be As Nice As Normal Asshole. You must not change yourself, but pretend to be nice so that people will think you are nice. Girls like Assholes, and Normal Asshole is regular type so you will not have to work hard at being a better or different kind of Asshole.
32. Track her menstrual cycle with a simple internet web camera that you can set up over the trashcan in the bathroom. Use this knowledge to buy chocolate bars for yourself and only give her some small pieces because you know chocolate makes her break out and no one likes pimple face.
33. Always wearing a hat when you are climbing Mount Clitoris. She is a frigid aging lady like all ladies over the age of 22 so if you do not wear a hat you may freeze to death in the Caverns of Vagine. Your mother will be proud and make sure you think about that fact during the sex since it will make your penis more soft like a feather, which is a thing ladies like.
34. Be creative! You are a man so you will come up with lots of ideas to make a lady feel more ladylike.