We’ve all seen women’s magazines with headlines like “807 ways to validate his toxic masculinity“
or “649 self mutilation techniques to drive him wild”
But have you ever wondered what men’s magazines would look like if they followed suit? Well today’s guest blogger, Hanson Mapantes, is here to solve the mystery and offer a gratuitous photo of a cat wearing a hat.
*34 ways to please your ladyship* By: Hanson Mapantes
I bet you didn’t know that there are so many ways you are falling short of pleasing your lady. Thirty-four in fact, but that is just the number of ways you have failed today. There is plenty more opportunity to fail but don’t worry! We will give you good ideas of keeping your ladyship pleased and feeling like a lady, so that you do not have to think about hard things like how people do not like you.
1. Put a pineapple on her vagina! This is the symbol of hospitality.
2. Pretend like her ladyness is a boat and you’re the captain, ARGHH MATEY.
4. Get up all in that!!
5. Put on a hat and tell her you’re gonna climb Mount Clitoris.
6. Don’t forget the labia! Use a Dremel to cleverly remove 12 layers of skin. This is an exfoliating treatment that ladies want to pay five thousand dollars for but you will do it for free just so you can shower in a room that has been cleaned this year.
7. Peel the banana and mash it in her pubes. Trust that the mashy feel is amazing for ladies who are sensitive everywhere.
8. Read this magazine TOGETHER and have her circle the things that don’t make her feel actively sick or laughing at your penis.
9. Set up base camp at Mt Clitoris. you’ll need: A lamp, a tent, a book about penguins, some protein bars, and a three-week old beard. Set the tent up over her legs and just hunker down in there. Read the book and tell her interesting penguin facts. Remember, for lady-types it’s all about the anticipation of you going down on her not the actual going-down-ness. (gross!) Plus, penguins are the best fathers of the animal world so she will associate you with penguins and that is a good thing for your long term mating prospects.
11. Wear pants.
12. Crochet a tiny flag with your face on it, and put it on the banana pube mash just north of Mt Clitoris. Whisper that winter is coming.
13. Breathe REALLY deeply around her.
14. Print off coupons for Summer’s Eve and leave them lying all casual-like around the house. If she asks you about them, tell her “You don’t need that, I think you already smell like night-time.”
15. When she asks you to run to the store for tampons, go to COSTCO and get a whole crate. Men are providers and she will see your value and ignore the fedora.
16. Start eating salad with little pieces of clementine in it. Not only does it taste good, but she will instantly know that you “get her” and crave your seed.
17. Make large alphabet shapes with your tongue. When she gives you a funny look, just say, oh I bet you just wish I were going down on you right now.
18. Develop a sudden and inexplicable craving for clam chowder to make her feel less judged.
19. If she has a headache, get her an aspirin and a cool rag for her forehead. Then be sure to remind her that sex is always good for YOU when you have a headache.
20. When she’s in the mood for sexy time, say “Tonight is all about you, baby” and put on some Golden Girls reruns because that Blanche is a riot.
21. Remember to assure her that you’re a “NICE GUY”, this is best when done consistently and many times every day. Slip it into a regular conversation, for example “Would you like some coffee because I am a NICE GUY and respect you AS A WOMAN.” You don’t actually have to do any nice things because women are verbal learners.
22. Offer to pay for the abortion, but say you can’t drive her to the clinic because you’re up for a promotion. She will admire your ambition.
23. Take a pineapple slice out of a can and put it on top of her clitoris. Eat the pineapple, but do not touch the clitoris! She will be begging for a penis, any penis, but your penis is the closest so that will probably be good enough for her.
24. Put a jar of mangoes in the freezer. When they are all frozen, cut the jar open with a circular saw and pull the freezing mangoes out this will make a nice dildo when wrapped in wax paper and then you can eat it afterwards.
25. Make a swirling motion with your penis in her vagina.
26. Pretend to be a cat. Rub your face all over her vagine area and don’t be afraid to use your nose! The purring sounds will be orgasmic and you can say that you rubbed your pussy face all on her pussy. She will like the word play and want you to raise her children to be smart with words too.
27. Demonstrate your value by destroying any competition in the area. If there is a man nearby, say something mean about him but in a nice way. Like, “wow, that guy is so almost bald but I hear that baldness will save you money on shampoo.” Then mention that you like herbal essences but NOT because of the lady in the commercial having orgasms that you jerked off at in high school but because it makes your hairs silken, even pubes.
28. Shave your pubes into a dollar sign so if she decides a fellatio day is happening, you can say that it is “pay day”. Bonus points if you eat a payday bar while the fellatio is in progress, it will make your semen taste the best.
29. Your semen is probably normally disgusting, as is your body. You should only eat a strict body builder’s diet but rich in pineapple because that is maybe not the fruit company sponsoring this article.
30. Beards are a thing that maybe you can grow. If you grow a beard, make sure to have your lady take a lie detector test to find out if she is actually liking your beard or just lying to make you not feel like beard failure. She will appreciate the chance to be honest without having to say honest things about your beard.
31. Practice BANANA mantra. This is Be As Nice As Normal Asshole. You must not change yourself, but pretend to be nice so that people will think you are nice. Girls like Assholes, and Normal Asshole is regular type so you will not have to work hard at being a better or different kind of Asshole.
32. Track her menstrual cycle with a simple internet web camera that you can set up over the trashcan in the bathroom. Use this knowledge to buy chocolate bars for yourself and only give her some small pieces because you know chocolate makes her break out and no one likes pimple face.
33. Always wearing a hat when you are climbing Mount Clitoris. She is a frigid aging lady like all ladies over the age of 22 so if you do not wear a hat you may freeze to death in the Caverns of Vagine. Your mother will be proud and make sure you think about that fact during the sex since it will make your penis more soft like a feather, which is a thing ladies like.
34. Be creative! You are a man so you will come up with lots of ideas to make a lady feel more ladylike.