Bitchin Broccoli

Bitchin; an adjective we desperately need to bring back.

Broccoli; a bitchin  vegetable well deserving of a moment in the spotlight.

Don’t get me wrong; I fucking love kale, but hipsters ruined it for everybody. Luckily, they’ve yet to suck the joy out of beautifully simple, unsung hero, broccoli.

Broccoli is cheap, easy, fast *Must… Refrain… From making… Lame joke…* and healthy. *Made it!*

No, I’m not going to site sources; this is a blog, not a fucking science journal. Google that shit.

As the lone vegan in my household, I typically cook a carcass for my family with vegan sides to avoid the hassle of cooking two separate meals. This broccoli is reminiscent of Chinese takeout and goes well with pretty much anything, even on pizza. But then again, I do a lot of drugs, so you may want a second opinion before trying it on pizza.

Frozen broccoli is cheaper and nutritionally identical to fresh, so save your money for weed.

Unless you coupon (yes, coupon is a verb now), store brands are probably going to be cheaper, but I find it’s worth it to spend a bit more on florets instead of stalks; stalks are better for soups and crockpot recipes that require long cooking times. I only use the special steamer bags if they’re on sale, otherwise, poking holes in regular bags works just the same.

This recipe calls for hoisin sauce, which is usually found near the soy sauce, and cuts the bitterness making this recipe kid-friendly. My favorite brand is Soy Vay garlic, but if you can’t find it, just add a clove of minced garlic to plain hoisin.

***Bitchin Broccoli***

1 bag frozen broccoli (This method also works well with carrots, brussel sprouts, string beans, cauliflower, zucchini, or squash.)

2 tablespoons hoisin sauce

2 tablespoons sesame or olive oil

1 tablespoon soy sauce

pepper

1) Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

2) Line a cookie sheet with foil or wax paper (optional, but makes cleanup much easier)

3) Poke a few holes in broccoli bag and microwave for 3 minutes.

4) Empty microwaved broccoli into a gallon sized ziploc, add remaining ingredients, and shake until coated. Ziploc can be used to store leftovers, but there probably won’t be any.

5) Spread broccoli evenly on cookie sheet and bake for 10-15 minutes. Broccoli is ready when it looks like this:

 As always, thanks for reading, and feel free to share your favorite veggie recipes in the comments 🙂

Advertisements

Vegan Baked Ziti

I was diagnosed with a wheat allergy a couple months ago, and the transition has been hell!

Not to be confused with Celiac’s disease, or gluten intolerance, I can still eat oats and rye, so it could be worse, but I fucking love bread! Real bread, not the wheat-free plywood shit they try to pass off as “bread”. That shit tastes like a loaf of despair.

Though I don’t mind replacing pasta with “zoodles”, zucchini is not substantial enough to hold up to a long baking, it’ll get mushy and watery. I’ve discovered that Ronzoni gluten free pasta in the yellow box is a perfect replacement. It tastes like regular pasta, isn’t much more expensive, and as far processed GF foods go, is relatively high in protein. (I’m not a Kroger shill, I promise! Though I’m not opposed to the possibility of affiliate blogging… have your people call my people).

By US law, foods labeled “GF” must be wheat free, but if you’re vegan or have other allergies, double check the label as many contain eggs.

Yesterday I shared my basic red sauce recipe, today I’ll be sharing one of the many things one can do with a stash of sauce in the freezer; baked ziti.

Of course, you can use any pasta you want, it’s just a matter of personal preference.

I add whatever leftover vegetables I have lying around to the tofu mixture. Cauliflower, yellow squash, chopped spinach, onions, mashed potatoes, carrots, or corn work well.

If your sauce is frozen, thaw by running bag under hot water until loosened and plop into a microwave safe bowl. Heat in 1 minute increments until hot.

Vegan Baked Ziti:

1 box pasta of your choice, cooked 5 minutes less than package directs (Seriously, I’m not going to tell you how to boil water.)

1 cup reserved pasta water

4 cups basic red sauce

1 package tofu. No need to drain, firm silken works best, but any kind will work.

3-4 cloves peeled garlic

1 tablespoon lemon juice or apple cider vinegar

1/4 cup EVOO

1 cup nutritional yeast (Optional, but if you can find it, use it! It’s cheesy and high in protein.)

Salt and Pepper

1) Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

2) Spray a casserole pan with pam and set aside.

3)Mix boiled, drained, pasta, reserved water, and sauce in the pasta pot and set aside.

4) Place remaining ingredients in blender and mix until smooth and mayonnaise-like. Taste to adjust seasonings.

5) Place half the pot of noodles and sauce in casserole pan, pour tofu mixture evenly over top, add remaining pasta.

6) Cover in foil and bake for 1 hour.

7) Allow to sit for at least 30 minutes before eating. Go watch OITNB to distract yourself 🙂

Serves 8-10. Total 2 hours prep, with about 15 minutes of hands on time.

*freezes beautifully

*kid friendly

*GF

*Potluck favorite

*Economical

*Low calorie, high protein

A Fuckton of Independence Sauce (Crockpot Red Pasta Sauce)

Hey, Ladies! Have your entire wedding planned out on a Pinterest board, but your beau just won’t commit? Well fret not, for Glamour Magazine’s “engagement chicken” is to your rescue!

All you have to do is roast a carcass for your intended (bonus points if you shove stale bread up his ass! The chicken’s, NOT the beau’s! Unless he’s into that type of thing…) and as the cadaver timer pops, so will your beau, “Pop” the question, that is!

If the above scenario doesn’t sound ridonkulous, you need more help than I do. Chickens are better off as pets, not contracts, and definitely not supper!

There comes a point in every relationship where one wants more than the other, thus the other must piss or get off the pot. There’s no shame in getting off the pot. It’s not fair to waste your partner’s time deciding if you need to piss. You either do, or you don’t, and the 25 MLs you have strapped to your thigh for a drug test doesn’t count!

Whether you’re single, in a not so committed relationship, or happily married, do yourself a favor and learn to make this sauce. As long as you have this and beans in your freezer, and rice or pasta in the pantry, you’ll not only never go hungry, but you’ll always have something to contribute to those last minute potlucks us lesbians are always invited to 😉

As the title suggests, this recipe makes a fuckton. Though it can easily be reduced in quantity, if you’re gonna have the crockpot running for 13 hours, might as well make a fuckton. Besides, it freezes beautifully, and can be used as a base for chili, soups, enchilada sauce, and of course, baked pasta dishes. I freeze the unused portions in two cup increments in quart sized freezer bags. Be sure to spray the insides of the bags with pam to keep sauce from sticking.

Don’t be intimidated by the number of steps involved! It’s easy and foolproof, I promise! Also, though little is hands on, this is a day long process, so be patient!

I prefer to caramelize the onions in the crockpot because they taste better, and it’s one less pot to wash.

Fuckton of Crockpot Red Sauce:

For the caramelized onions:

1 cup EVOO

6-8 medium yellow onions, peeled and halved

12-16 peeled cloves of garlic (I find the pre-peeled cloves in the produce section to be just as economical as peeling yourself)

1/4 cup soy sauce

1 cup wine (dry or sweet, red or white, doesn’t matter, whatever yo have lying around)

Palm full salt and pepper

2 teaspoons red pepper flakes

Place all ingredients in crockpot and cook on high for two and a half hours. I have two picky nephews who’ll freak out if they spot an onion, so I puree in a blender after cooking, also, mincing garlic is a pain in the ass, but feel free to dice and mince if you prefer a chunky sauce, just cut back cooking time to 1 hour.

For the sauce:

1 big ass can of crushed tomatoes, or tomato sauce. I prefer crushed tomatoes, but all we had was sauce, and bitches be broke!

1/2 cup sugar

Add tomatoes, sugar, and pureed onion mixture to crockpot, stir well (sauce will be pinkish, don’t worry!) and cook on low for ten hours. Taste to adjust seasonings, serve over pasta and freeze the rest.

Makes about 16ish 3/4 servings. As always with my recipes, I’m a cook, not a photographer! I know it’s ugly, but it will impress 🙂

Baked Ziti (Recipe will be posted tomorrow 🙂 )

Fuck Valentine’s Day III and Easy Vegan Crack Coffee

I’ve made my opinion of this goddess forsaken holiday abundantly clear here, here, and here, and this year’s no different.

I couldn’t be happier about my freedom to fuck whoever I want,

but as usual, my news feed is filled with tales of woe by single folks, so here’s a tale to boost your spirits, (or at least boost your self esteem):

The year was 2010, unbeknownst to me, my husband had been cheating with a 19 year old waffle house waitress (because my life is one big Jeff Foxworthy joke) and thus began a weightlifting regime in order to impress his young mistress.

Valentine’s day fell on a Sunday that year, and though I was usually off on Sundays, I had to be at work at 9:30 am to paint the hooves of a coven of mini-van driving, skort wearing, soccer mom, bitchbiscuits who assumed the tips were included in the spa packages.

Y’all know the type; the ones with stick figure family and soccer ball decals on their Chrysler town & country, complain tattoo’d folks ruin the “high end spa experience” (Bitch, we were in a strip mall next to a rent-a-center!), give all wives of LEOs and Military a bad rap by bragging about their husbands’ status (for fuck’s sake, just say you’re unemployed.), and have standing weekly mani-pedi appointments so they can bemoan how little “me-time” they have, though they obviously have at least six free hours a month and two free hours a day to maintain this haircut:

Photo stolen from weknowmemes.com

Anywho, my alarm was set at the very last fucking minute because I’ll be goddamned if I was gonna make an effort to look nice for these cuntcakes.

Fifteen minutes before my alarm was set to go off, my husband woke me up by nudging me and instructing me to keep my eyes closed. I was annoyed, but I knew he had a 5 am gym session, and figured since it was valentine’s day, he’d surprised me with a pumpkin spice soy latte (I’m half white, SHUT UP!), so humoring him, I sat up in bed.

“Now open” he said.

I opened my eyes to find nary a latte, but my husband with his sweatpants down around his ankles.

“What the ever lovin fuckity fuck?!” I asked.

He responded “Check out my quads.”

Allow me to reiterate; my gift from my husband was the opportunity to feast my eyes upon the same hairy hamburger meat loins I saw every fucking day.

“It can’t possible get any worse!” you say? You haven’t been following this blog long.

He then turned around, dropped his draws, and said “now check out my glutes!”.

Don’t get me wrong, I had always instructed him not to buy me valentine’s day gifts, and I wasn’t expecting one, but I was also expecting to sleep for another fifteen fucking minutes!

FYI; future potential suitors, do NOT wake me up unless either I’m in immanent danger, or you’re presenting me with a vegan latte.

My sister-in-law is addicted to the frozen lattes sold at 7/11 she dubbed “crack coffee”, but has since developed lactose intolerance and was going through withdrawals until I introduced her to homemade crack coffee.

 This recipe is adapted from The BrokeAss Gourmet and can be enjoyed hot or cold.

Per serving:

Hot latte:

4 oz strong brewed coffee (I use 4 T per 6oz water and freeze the leftovers for cold lattes)

1 cup vegan milk, heated in microwave until boiling (I always buy unsweetened. My favorites in order; cashew, almond, coconut, soy)

1 T sweetener of choice (optional) (I like dates, but table sugar, splenda, agave nectar, or flavored syrup work well)

Option add ins:

1 T coconut oil (makes it “milkier” and great for your skin)

1 T chia or flax seeds (great way to add protein, but also add sliminess :/ )

1 t extract (vanilla, almond, maple, mint; whatever you like)

Add all ingredients to blender and blend the fuck out of it for three minutes.

Cold latte:

4 frozen coffee cubes

1 cup vegan milk

1 T sweetener

1/2 banana (optional)

1-2 T peanut butter

Chocolate syrup

Same optional add ins as hot latte

Blend until smooth.

Oh, and I haven’t forgotten about you hopeless romantics out there, here’s a selection of realistic valentines for the ones you tolerate, from Niktorious NIK:

And for my fellow lesbians:

Boshephus Dessert Casserole (Vegan Pumpkin Pecan Chocolate Pie Cake Casserole)

Since I named my external genitalia “Ms. Pretty”, I figured it was only fair my evil, gun-toting, bible-thumping, Glen Beck worshiping uterus gets a name too, so I settled on “Boshephus” as I’m fairly certain she sits on the front porch of my reproductive system playing a banjo and whittling sticks.

***RANT ALERT***

Endometriosis is no fucking joke! If it was an issue that affected folks with penises, hysterectomies would be offered at D.M.V. and 7/11 would sell Vicodin Slurpees. Notice how available treatments for endometriosis can help with fertility or heavy bleeding, but do fuck all for pain? Those of us suffering are told to take Motrin. If Motrin helped, I wouldn’t be at the fucking gyno brandishing my junk to the heat lamp/spotlight so a woman 2 years older than god can jack her open like she’s fixin to change my vagina’s tires and tell me to “take Motrin”.

ADD moment:

At this point, I must give a shout out to Fan Free Clinic in Richmond Va, they’re the first place to take my schizophrenic uterus and subsequent pain seriously, and the first place to take my word for it the FIRST time I said I had no intention of baking a bun in my oven.

***RESUMING RANT***

Not saying that women aren’t bothered by infertility and heavy bleeding, but how convenient is it that the available treatments for endometriosis are for the symptoms that bother MEN? My pain isn’t valid unless it also affects my hypothetical male partner?! Aw. HaayyyAAAlll to the motherfuckin nah! It’s officially fuck-this-shit-o’clock!!! I’m a grown ass woman, I should’ve been given a hysterectomy the FIRST time I requested one, No. Questions. Asked! “Ohhh but what if you regret it?” you ask?! So fucking what? I do shit I regret every fucking day! Where were these concern trolls when I was tattooing an ex’s name on me? 

I wear bling to detract attention from the “mark of a genius”. Kindly ignore cat scratches and arm hair; I’m a proud born again spinster and cat lady.

Had I been given a hysterectomy the first time I asked, the endometriosis wouldn’t have been able to spread, and I wouldn’t be in intense agony despite an IUD (which was a nightmare and a whole ‘notha post!) and taking birth control pills. “TMI!!!” you say? You wouldn’t feel that way if it was your uterus tap dancing and twirling fire batons whilst wrapping barbed wire around your internal organs.

Anywho, once my uterus chills the fuck out and I’m able to resume eating things other than Saltines, broth, and ginger ale, much to the chagrin of my insulin pump, I WANT ALL THE SUGARS!!!

How I feel.

Photo stolen from Pinterest and doesn’t list source 😦

medicaketion

 From Niktorious NIK

I swear I have reverse PMS because I crave junk after my cycle of misery, or perhaps like a coworker once told me, my period’s backwards because I’m nice 4-5 days a month and a bitch the rest of the time, either way, this Boshephus casserole helps me stop crying.

Though you’ll have to dirty 3 dishes, and it’s time consuming, it’s easy and worth the effort.

You’ll need to start with this, which is vegan and can be found either with the jellos and pudding mixes, or in the “ethnic” aisle and usually cost less than$1 per box. It makes a fine dessert on it’s own if you replace dairy milk with almond or coconut milk, just reduce from the 4 cups called for to 3.

Whisk with 2 cups coconut milk in a small sauce pan and heat on medium low until it just starts to boil. Meanwhile, preheat oven to 350 degrees and grease a 13×9 cake pan or casserole dish with canola, olive, or coconut oil, or melted Earth Balance. The sugar packet can be drizzled on top of finished casserole, but I don’t care for it.

Boshephus Dessert Casserole:

2 cups flan mixture

1 12oz can pumpkin puree

1 T vanilla extract

2 t cinnamon

2 t freshly grated nutmeg

pinch of salt

1/2 brown sugar or white sugar w/1 T molasses

1 box firm or extra firm silken tofu (also usually found in the ethnic aisle, plain firm or extra firm tofu works too)

1 box yellow cake mix (Check the label, many are vegan, especially store brands)

2 cups chopped pecans or walnuts (optional)

1 cup chocolate chips (optional)

1/2 melted Earth Balance or coconut oil, or EVOO

1) Mix all ingredients except cake mix, nuts, chocolate, and melted Earth Balance in a blender and blend the fuck out of it until smooth and lump free.

2) Pour into greased pan.

3) Sprinkle cake mix evenly on top, followed by nuts, chocolate, and melted Earth Balance, coconut oil or EVOO.

4) Bake for 1 hour.

5) Let sit for 1 hour before eating

serves 1 hungry bitch or 6-8

Photo shown is without chocolate (Allergy 😥 )

Tastes even better on day 2

10 Things to Laugh at and Vegan Potato Salad

As anyone who comes from a dysfunctional… *ahem* unconventional family can tell you, you forget how fucked up… *ahem* eccentric your family is until an outsider comes in and looks at you like this:

For example, in 2001, my dad almost died from an untreated staph infection resulting in endocarditis.

(Just for the record; though this condition is almost exclusively seen in IV drug users, my dad has never even so much as taken an aspirin. Not that I judge drug addicts, but I’ve done enough to damage my dad’s reputation as a deacon and I don’t want to give haters more ammo.)

The doctor called us in to explain that his only chance of survival was to have his aorta valve replaced with a titanium prosthesis, which carries a separate set of dangers. He went on to explain that pieces of the damaged valve were floating around in his body causing painful embolisms, therefor they were keeping him heavily medicated, and one embolism of particular concern was located in the sacrum.

We all thought he said scrotum, to which I replied “uh oh, won’t that cause brain damage?” Us immediate relatives of “old dude” shared a much needed uproarious laugh, meanwhile, the Doctor looked at us like that^. Mom explained “That’s how we roll, we laugh in the face of tragedy.” The doctor continued staring at us wordlessly.

Then the extended Woodens started piling in from all over the country.

I’ve always said we’re the Huxtables of the south as no two of us are the same color. This alone was utterly unsettling and mind blowing to the staff, but when the older relatives started sharing stories of growing up in Surry… let’s just say there ain’t much to do out here and the entire county has 1 stoplight and 4 last names, so the stories were incredibly fucking insane… er interesting.

 Which brings me to the list of 10 things that never fail to make me laugh. To outsiders, laughing through a life threatening crisis was rude, crass, tasteless… all fancy ass words meaning fucked up, but my parents have been through some shit that tears most families apart (teen pregnancy, my various childhood hospitalizations, my “career” in stand up… you get the idea), yet they’re going on 32 years of happy matrimony and you don’t last that long by being serious all the time.

I written before on why it’s incredibly fucked up and condescending to tell people to “stay positive”, but like my mom always says “proactivity is better than reactivity”, so if you want to help someone stay positive, find a way to make them laugh. I’m not saying laughter is a substitute for any professional intervention, I have zero medical credentials, (Then again, if you’re reading a wordpress site in search of medical advice, you’re too stupid to be alive. For fucks sake, I started a religion based on Joe Dirt, you really shouldn’t need me to tell you not to take medical advice from me.) I’ve just found that laughter helps.

Here are ten things that make me laugh no matter what:

10) Crazy Cousin Lizzy*. Brief back story; Crazy Cousin Lizzy is my grandmother’s niece, though they’re about the same age. She’s a confirmed bachelorette (never been married, no kids), who when faced with the option of staying in Surry after graduation and becoming a farmer’s wife, or crossing the mason/dixie line and perhaps finding a job, opted for the latter. She’s still very much backwoods and always keeps a “nip” AKA 30+ year old glass coke bottle filled with bourbon in her purse.

Oh. My. Joe Dirt!!! I just realized I’m going to be Crazy Cousin Lizzy when I grow up, only worse because I never bothered to leave my hometown. *shudders x4* moving right along…

Crazy Cousin Lizzy swears out that she was punished as a child by being forced to spend the night in the smokehouse, while the meat was being smoked, with a stool and a match, and told to sit on the stool and not to let the fire go out.

Attempts to explain why that’s impossible to survive have been fruitless. She says she lived through it because in addition to the stool and match, she was also given a slice of bread and a glass of water.

The more you try to make sense of it, the more questions are raised. Just don’t.

9) Uncle Phil throwing Jazz.

8) It’s just like a mini mall! I’m totally planning a road trip.

7) This kind lady teaching the husbandry of opossums.

6) Grumpy cat.

grumpy

 5) Taking pictures of my boobs.

finished rainbow boobs wits & tits

4) Making fun of my ex.

finished dumb ass dan

3) Sending my brother to pick up takeout ordered under the following aliases:

Big Gay Al

Skittles McFlurry

Lola Biccups

Tommy Towers

Henrietta VonQuifenstein

 2) Get some cold cuts!!!

1)Bernice ❤ ❤ ❤

***And now the recipe***

As my Aunt Lynne* would say when asked to check a box that best describes our race/ethnicity, “Is potato salad an option?” meaning no two people will ever agree on what’s imperative to a potato salad (other than the potatoes, but even then, Paleos use artichokes or some shit, and it seems I may have a nightshade intolerance) so it’s impossible to narrow down to one ingredient what defines the potato salad. Dukes or Veganaise? Mustard? Boiled egg? Sweet or spicy relish? Paprika on top?

Of course as a vegan, Dukes and eggs are out, but other than that, anything goes. This is more of a potato salad guideline than a recipe.

No need to dirty a pan by boiling the salad base of your choice,  just steam in the microwave. Most microwaves have a potato cooking feature, but if not, potatoes are done when they’re easily pierced with a fork (about 5 minutes). I prefer red or yellow potatoes because I don’t have to peel them, but if using russets or sweet potatoes (sweet potatoes are technically NOT a nightshade), just place in a bowl of cold water after microwaving and the skins will slip right off.

If using cauliflower, just pierce the bag with a fork a few times and microwave for 5 minutes.

Thoroughly rinse the potatoes clean (Duh.)

Recipe serves 4ish-6ish, but can easily be multiplied. Photo shown is from a wedding and made with 25 lbs of red potatoes.

If you skip the relish, leftovers make the BEST home fries EVERRR!!!! Just saute in some oil or Earth Balance.

Start with one of the following:

4-6 small red or yellow potatoes

2-3 medium to large russets or sweet potatoes (again, if you have a nightshade intolerance, you can eat sweet potatoes)

2-3 cups steamed cauliflower (Ideal if you’re watching carbs/calories or just need more vegetables in your life.)

Add some fun stuff:

1/2 cup minced sweet onion

1/2 cup minced celery

2-4 T relish

1 T mustard

1-2 T chopped chipotle peppers (especially awesome with sweet potatoes, but chipotles are a nightshade 😦 )

1-2 T cider vinegar and/or lemon juice

1/4 chopped cilantro and/or basil

1/4-1/2 cup chopped walnuts

Bind it all together with one of the following:

1/2 cup veganaise

1/2 any vegan dressing (For my fellow backwoods readers, veganaise and Annie’s Organic brand vegan dressings are generally available at Kroger’s and larger Martin’s.)

1/3 oil whisked with 2 T lemon juice or vinegar and a pinch of sugar

Add salt and pepper to taste.

Picture shown is made with 25 lbs of red potatoes, 1 jar of veganaise, 1/2 cup EVOO, 1/2 cup cider vinegar, sweet onion, celery, and spicy mustard and serves 100.

*Names have been changed to protect the criminally insane er innocent.

Wake The Fuck Up Super Green Smoothie

If you’re like me and you have to work weekends, you’ve probably shown up still drunk and/or hungover, but hey, if your boss wanted you sober, she wouldn’t open at 9 am on a Saturday, right? Right?

Not so much. Bosses expect sobriety (even if they’re what drives us to drinking in the first place), but fear not, for your angry vegan fairy godmother is here!

Contrary to popular belief, more alcohol does NOT cure a hangover; you need fluids (to re-hydrate), potassium (ditto), complex carbs (to absorb the stupid), a small amount of caffeine (for alertness and to help your headache), protein (to keep your blood sugar at a steady level), and antioxidants (to combat the aging effects of alcohol) and this smoothie has all of that plus it tastes AMAZING and costs a fraction of what you’ll pay at a smoothie shop.

I’ve never been fond of tea in any form, but I don’t even notice it in this smoothie. Matcha tea powder is an excellent source of antioxidants, but it’s VERY expensive ($30+ for a small tub), so I just cut open a regular bag of green tea and dump it in with the rest of the ingredients.

Chia seeds can be hard to find, but if your grocery store has a natural foods or organic aisle, it can usually be found there. If chia seeds are unavailable, try flax, or just a handful of almonds.

Kale or spinach are my favorites, but I’ve used arugula before and it wasn’t bad. You can even throw in a few slices of cucumber for added hydration.

The key to a smooth smoothie is layering your ingredients; liquid first (if 1 cup doesn’t cover the blades, add more), then fruits, then greens, then add ins, top with ice. Most blenders have a measuring key on the side so no need to dirty a measuring cup 🙂

I prefer to sweeten my smoothies with dates, but 1-2 tablespoons of any sweetener will work.

Wake The Fuck Up Super Green Smoothie:

1 cup non-dairy milk (I use unsweetened almond with extra protein)

1 cup fresh or frozen fruit of your choice (mango is my favorite, but apples, bananas, peaches, or pineapple work too. Berries also work, though they can irritate your stomach if you’re hungover)

2 cups fresh leafy greens (kale, spinach, collards, chard)

2 pitted dates, optional

1 tablespoon chia, flax, or hemp seeds, or 2 tablespoons almonds or cashews

contents of 1 green tea bag (don’t eat the bag, duh)

Juice of one lemon (optional, but if you have it, add it as it helps with liver function)

1 cup ice

You don’t really need directions do you? Put that shit in a blender and blend the fuck out of it. Makes approx 3 cups.

 

Ha! I still have green polish left on my cuticle from St Book Burning, misogynistic, douchetard day, AKA St Patrick’s day 😀 And yes, those are pajama bottoms I’m wearing, and no, I’m not at Wal-mart.