Unfucking America; The Adult ADD Guide to Social Justice Activism

They say the first step to recovery is recognizing you have a problem, but if you don’t already know that America is fucked, I can’t help you. Tell whoever is reading this to you that this is not suitable for children and to stop feeding you paint chips.

On to step 2:

Accept that change will be a slow, tedious process of trial and error, and remain patient.

I find this difficult because I have a bad habit of “all-or-nothing thinking”, e.g.; If I don’t have time to finish all the loads of laundry, I’ll most likely put it off for another day and buy some $4 leggings en-route to work instead of just starting a small load of necessities.

As silly as it sounds, it’s a vicious cycle (Ha! “cycle”! Get it? Like laundry cycle? *high fives self*) that (have I mentioned my ADD?) I’ve been in cognitive behavioral therapy for two years to break.

This mindset haunts me in every aspect of my life, including social justice activism, but like my shrink said:

“If you don’t feel well enough to clean the house, then commit to cleaning one side table. If one table feels like too much, then commit to cleaning out your pocketbook. If the pocketbook feels overwhelming, then clean out your wallet, but remind yourself it’s always better to do something, no matter how small, than to do nothing”

Translated to activism:

“If you can’t fly, run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl, but whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward”

-Dr Martin Luther King

Step 3: As a rabid feminist with anger issues and no filter between my brain and mouth, I put fuckboys on blast just for fun; as a white-passing cis-woman, I can be blinded by privilege, and thus cross the fine line between speaking out against oppression, and speaking for the oppressed, so always be willing to listen to criticism from  people with less privilege than you without being defensive.

Stolen without permission from Fat, Loud, and Not Going Away

Stolen without permission from Fat, Loud, and Not Going Away

Stolen without permission from Unpacking The 'F' Word

Stolen without permission from Unpacking The ‘F’ Word

Step 4: Never give up, never be silenced, never keep quiet. You know what they say about well-behaved women? NOTHING! We’ve yet to win a single right by asking nicely. Set fire to the universe until we’re heard!

  • There are plenty more ways to advocate for social justice, and I encourage y’all to add them in the comments, but on account of my ADD and inability to math, four steps are all I can manage 🙂
  • As always, thanks for reading!

TL;DR version:

 

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Election 2016 The Fresh President of The White House

I have a hunch my political leanings are fairly clear (*cough*#ImWithHer *ahem*), and if you’re still undecided at this point, ain’t shit I can say or do to help, so let’s put our differences aside for a moment and share a laugh 😀

We all have that Facebook friend we can depend on for hilarity, and this morning’s offering made me spew grapefruit out my nostrils!

This made my day!

This made my day!

Fresh Prince will forever hold a special place in my heart as my introduction into blasphemy:

Big Mama had a coronary when she saw this!

Since I have nothing better to do, (besides voting, of course!) I now present The Fresh President of White House:

Now this is a story all about how

the election got flip-turned upside down,

And I’d like to take a ballot,

just vote right left there 😉

I’ll tell you how I became president and upheld Obamacare

Iiinnn West Park Ridge Illinois,

Born and raised,

Model UN where I spent most of my days

Feministing, debating, ball busting all cool,

and all pushing for adequate funding to the public school,

when a couple Republicans, up to no good,

started campaigning in the neighborhood!

I lost one lousy primary, and my party got scared,

said “why don’t you stick with law, and do something with that hair!”

I worked hard for a chance, and when it came near

I shattered the glass ceiling without any fear

If anything, I can say that this chance is rare,

But Tim and I got this shit,

We make a winning pair!

I. Might. Have lost the election in two thousand and eight,

but this is too important to leave up to fate!

Took a look at white-house, it’ll be a relief

When all the states are called, and I’m the first commandHER in chief!

We all know how great I am at both of these things.

We all know how great I am at both of these things.

Shingles, migraine, and cramps on top of T1D, depression and anxiety, eyebrows and nails look like shit, still got my ass to the polls (gigity) What's your excuse? I just noticed the sticker's upside down, I'm also a tiny bit medicated.

Shingles, migraine, and cramps on top of T1D, depression and anxiety, eyebrows and nails look like shit, still got my ass to the polls (gigity) What’s your excuse?
I just noticed the sticker’s upside down, I’m also a tiny bit medicated.

30 Day Writing Challenge, Day 9; My Feelings On Ageism

Thanks for stopping by! You can catch up on my progress here.

Day 9; My Feelings On Ageism:

Ageism is a symptom of misogyny.

Botox, wrinkle creams, and “age-defying” cosmetics are never marketed to cis-men, cis-men aren’t told to revive their wives’ interest by getting plastic surgery.

Cis-men are never told they’re “too old” for acting roles.

When cis-men start going gray, they’re described as “distinguished”, while women who go gray are told they’re letting themselves go.

Cis-men aren’t “warned” that their fertility decreases as they age, nor are they denied sterilization on the grounds that they’ll “regret it when they’re older”. They’re trusted with their own reproductive health the day they turn 18, while women/vagina owners must prove our maturity by reaching an arbitrary age, and having birthed at least two youngins.

There’s no such thing as ball-lifting draws for cis-men, but women/folks with breasts are expected to suffer in under-wires for 18+ hours a day, lest we offend with our comfort. Men aren’t told to wear a shirt to the beach after 35, while women are bombarded with “control panels” and swimsuits with enough fabric to cover Texas.

The fuck is that thing?!

The fuck is that thing?!

Cis-men aren’t assigned body types, (apple, pear, kumquat) and instructed to dress themselves accordingly in “age appropriate” attire.

Don’t get me wrong; I work in the beauty industry, I LOVE cosmetics, I keep up with my grays with a sharpie, and I wear sunscreen daily for wrinkle prevention, but I don’t owe beauty and youthfulness to the world, and neither does anyone else. These are things I do for me, and ONLY me.

Shower, brush your teeth, and wear deodorant daily, regardless of gender, but makeup and hair color should be fun, not (wo)mandatory.

On that note, you’re never “too old” for fun colors, cool haircuts, and bold makeup.

unicorn hair

30 Day Writing Challenge Day 8; A Book I Love, And One I didn’t

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

Day 5

Day 6

Day 7

fb_img_1462168525423.jpg

Day 8; A Book I Loved, And One I didn’t:

A book I love; Rubyfruit Jungle, by Rita Mae Brown.

If you’re a lesbian, and you haven’t read this yet, your ‘L’ card is hereby suspended until completion of Lez Ed. Rubyfruit Jungle is just as scandalous today as it was when first published in 1973, and reading it seven years ago is what inspired me to start writing.

Oh, and have I mentioned I’ve met the great RMB?

Trying (and failing) not to cry, vomit, and faint. Worst case of vapors ever!

Trying (and failing) not to cry, vomit, and faint. Worst case of vapors ever!

I'm kind of a big deal :)

I’m kind of a big deal 🙂

A book I didn’t love; don’t make me re-live this shit, just click the link.

As always, thanks for reading, and feel free to drop your book recommendations in the comments 🙂

Fake Tits Fake Lesbianism And Other Fan Mail

Firstly, apologies for the run-on title, punctuation confuses google searches.

As predicted, this post angered fuckboys and generated “civil discourse” in the form of calling me a cunt.

I replied to my favorites in the video below, (Don’t forget to subscribe!) but first, I’m going to address the misogyny behind insulting women and non-binary folks by accusing us of being “fake”.

Re: Fake Tits

Unrealistic beauty standards set by mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging fuckboys aside, it’s none of your goddamned business what anyone chooses to do with their body.

Stop assuming women get implants for male attention. What women do is rarely about impressing you. Grow the fuck up, get some hobbies other than harassing feminist bloggers, and stop obsessing over the actions of women who neither know nor care about your existence. Better yet, educate yourselves so that maybe one day a woman will spend time with you on her own volition.

I don’t owe anyone an explanation for the way I look, but I will say I’m broke as fuck, my credit is shit, and implants start at around $6000; if I had that kinda money to blow on frivolities, I’d spend it on tattoos, weed, some of those fancy ass tater tots from Sticky Rice, fancy duct tape, and adding more sequins to my wardrobe.  🙂

Box of tea from Sam's Club + fancy duct tape = a sewing box that won't leave kids disappointed when they realize there are no cookies :)

Box of tea from Sam’s Club + fancy duct tape =
a sewing box that won’t leave kids disappointed when they realize there are no cookies 🙂

Re: Fake Lesbianism

Notice how cis-men are never accused of pretending to be gay for attention?

That’s because fuckboys fancy themselves fuckable by everyone and their ego is too fragile to entertain the idea that the rest of us don’t want to fuck them, thus we must be faking for their precious attention.

Yet these same basement dwelling neckbeards are quick to hurl “dyke” at hetero women who reject them. In their tiny dickbrains, all women are either dykes because we want to fuck them, or dykes because we don’t.

finished rainbow boobs

I have a pretty face and perky tits; I ain’t gotta do shit for male attention, so again, stop assuming everything is about you. It is NO ONE’S place to define someone else’s orientation. We all have our suspicions about the sexual preferences of others, and yes, I’m annoyed by “party trick lesbians”, but being annoyed doesn’t entitle one to questioning another’s identity. Where I come from, we have manners, so if you’re annoying, but ain’t hurtin nobody, we’ll just talk about you behind your back like the fucking ladies we are 😉

Yes, I understand women do this too, watch the damn video!

Menper Mantrum

New addition to the niktionary; menper mantrum:

A mantrum, a menper mantrum or a hissy fit is an emotional outburst, usually associated with children, that is typically characterized by stubbornness, crying, screaming, defiance, angry ranting, a resistance to attempts at pacification and, in some cases, even hitting.

Yes, I copied and pasted the definition of temper tantrum here as there’s no need to edit in order to insinuate the phrase is used to refer to men’s rights “activists”.

I know this is supposed to be a vegan recipe blog, but there’s such an epidemic of overly sensitive, entitled, butthurt males on the rag filling my news feed with manses glurge, it is my civic duty to pick up where their parents left off.

Jovan Biggers

If you watched trashy talk shows in the 90s, you might have noticed a recurring theme of “bad teens” who entered the stage covered in large flake body glitter, twerking in their draws, and shouting “ANDWHATEVERYOUDONTKNOWMEIDOWHATIWONT!!!”, (don’t get me started on how it was only girls shamed into submission, that’s a post for another day). Their mothers boo-hooed, Sally Maury Jenny called Officer Beulah in to regulate, girls promptly get their shit together.

The reason the girls shut the fuck up for Officer Beulah is because she is the first adult to enforce discipline; they’ve never faced consequences at home, so they’re unsettled and unprepared for how to respond.

That’s what’s wrong with “meninists”; they’re used to being coddled, served, and having their way, so when they’re called out on their entitled prickish behavior, they don’t know how to react. Thanks to the internet, once they’ve faced a consequence for their misogyny, they can go home, set up hundreds of troll accounts (because they’re sure as fuck not busy dating), and sass to their hearts content. Though, I don’t know why they bother; they’re all the same and incapable of original thoughts.

 

-Every MRA ever

-Every MRA ever.  meme credit; Tasteless Lady 🙂

 mra logic 4

This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t bother; the more we anger them, the more time they spend writing “rape” in the comments of feminist posts, the less likely they are to find women willing to carry their spawn, and the sooner they die out.

mra logic 3

This is where I usually break down the fuckery phrase by phrase, but the derp is so heavy I’m gonna have to go with fuckboy translated to English format:

Jovan Biggers

“I’m exploiting the struggles of my foremothers in a vain attempt to shame women into respecting my self given authori-Thai.

I take up much more space than I deserve because my tiny shriveled nutsack should have more rights than women.

As a white, hetero, cis-male, I am determined to win the gold medal at the oppression Olympics.

I brag about how much I’m not offended by anything whilst whining in the comments of anything social justice related about how offended I am that others are offended by something not personally offensive to me because as a special special snowflake, I have the final say on the emotions of others.

I have absolutely nothing going for me as far as looks, intelligence, humor, or wit, and I’m not willing to improve myself, thus my only means of female attention is by harassment.

I can improve my appearance greatly by simply taking a shower and wearing the slacks mom pressed for me instead of holey sweatpants, but I’d rather blame women for my unfuckability.

Thanks to feminism, women are starting to realize they deserve better than an abusive scrub such as myself, and once my mom kicks the bucket, who’s gonna tie my shoes, wipe my ass, and heat my bagel bites?

Grandma bought me a dictionary for Christmas and I’m looking up big fancy words to supplement my meager vocabulary and impress friends I don’t have.

I’m projecting the pain from past rejections onto women by loudly proclaiming I have no respect for them, which is pointless because women who reject me do so because they respect themselves and seek approval from no one.

I am so desperate to be a victim, I make the victimization of others about me.

Why doesn’t anyone acknowledge my precious manfeelz?!”

BUT I DON'T WANNA GET ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT!!!

BUT I DON’T WANNA GET ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT!!!

I don’t even know what the fuck “milk of human kindness” is supposed to mean, but homeboy could use some milk of magnesia to help dislodge the stick from his ass and soothe his burning butthurt.

Stolen from Feminist Atheist

Stolen from Feminist Atheist

Dealing with Males During Their *Ahem* “Gentleman Time”

Ever wonder what it would sound like if women talked about cis-males the same way cis-males talk about women/LGBT people? You’re welcome:

I’ve had the WORST day ever! OMG, y’all won’t even believe this shit!

So first, I stopped for breakfast on my way to work, and all I did was ask the prick taking my order to smile for me because it would make him more attractive, and he was a total douche about it! Like he didn’t realize he owes beauty to the world.

Cowboy hats are the closest we have to male birth control.

Cowboy hats are the closest we have to male birth control. After age 12 or so, playing pretend isn’t cute anymore, it’s just plain sad 😦

Whatev, he won’t that cute anyway. Probably some twinkle toes who’s never experienced a vagina as magical and special as mine. My vagina tastes like barbecue and is lined in lucky charms marshmallows. I’ve turned sooooo many gay dudes straight and they always talk about how huge my vagina is. I’ve had hundreds of three-ways with gay dudes. Gay dudes be begging for a piece of this yumyum chocolate (swirl) chip, honey dipped!!! #Shoop #SnP #PlatinumPu$$y!!

ADD moment; Whatever became of Big Twan? He was so hot for a tall dude. Not the greatest rapper though. I can accurately assess all men are bad at rapping based on this one dude who rapped one line in a song written and sung by women and never got anymore gigs.

Then at work, I had to ask my coworker at least four times to fetch my coffee, and when he finally brought it, he had such an attitude! It was almost like he felt I wasn’t entitled to shit just because I happen to be a woman. He’s a slut anyway. Ain’t a pussy alive he ain’t been in. If he doesn’t respect himself, why should I respect him?

THEN, I got home and left several comments on a Facebook meme having fuck all to do with me, posted by a page having fuck all to do with me, inquiring as to why this had fuck all to do with me, and nobody gave a fuck about what I had to say! Like, what even makes these pants feel so entitled to create pages that exclude women?! How is that “equality”?! Probably a bunch of single dads mooching off their baby mamas and the government. Most of them don’t even know who their baby mama is. Losers need to get a damn job.

The least of what's wrong with this bullshit is "dilute". The word this dickwad's looking for is "delude", as in don't delude yourself into thinking any woman wants or needs your sorry ass. "Dilute" means to make thinner or weaker, as in what dickwad's baby mama did with his balls.

The least of what’s wrong with this bullshit is “dilute”. The word this dickwad’s looking for is “delude”, as in don’t delude yourself into thinking any woman wants or needs your sorry ass. “Dilute” means to make thinner or weaker, as in what dickwad’s baby mama did with his balls.

vasectomy

Zander Guzman comment

It was then I figured it out; they must all be going through their monthly gentleman time, AKA, manses.

"Poor me, I have a flu just like all the women at my office who STILL DO THEIR FUCKING JOB WHEN SICK! But I'm a special snowflake becuase I have man-flu :'( :'(

“Poor me, I have a flu just like all the women at my office who STILL DO THEIR FUCKING JOB WHEN SICK! But I’m a special snowflake becuase I have man-flu 😥 😥

Though I’m a grown-ass adult living in a first world country with internet access and a reasonable amount of down time, I can’t be bothered to spend three minutes googling basic cis-male biology and anatomy. It’s safe to assume when they get bitchy with us, it’s due to some sort of monthly-ish reoccurring phenomenon of which us ladies need to learn nothing about lest other ladies think us less womanly.

But I do know one thing; you should never trust something that ejaculates brain cells several times a week and doesn’t die. Also, EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GROSSS!!! UGH! They just leave tissues in the wastebasket for the whole world to see! And why do they always have to talk about it?! Some things should be kept to yourself!

Wait… you don’t think they do that in the shower, do they? He BETTER not be doing *shudders* that in my shower! This is why building codes should make lady-dens womandatory in all dwellings. We need an escape from their ejaculatory emotions! I can hear sugarnuts in the next room crying over a football game! I though football was something trousers like? Why do they like things that make them cry?! They’re so confusing!

Speaking of confusing, what do they pee out of? They only have two holes, so how does that even work? Judging by my toilet seat, it must be the front one because they obviously don’t sit, but that’s sooooOOOOoooo disgusting! Especially if they don’t wax down there! #BARF

Anywho, here’s a step by step guide to dealing with your PMS stricken dude:

1) Start with rational dialogue and demand civil discourse.

Fuckboy Zander

Zander fuckery

2) Failing that, use logic.

Bitch Zander

Gotta love how fuckboys feel entitled to schooling women on how to properly be a member of a community aimed at helping WOMEN. How tiny must Zander’s swizzle stick be? You can buy a dick at walgreen’s these days, so there’s really no reason for penis envy in 2016.

3) Try humor to diffuse the situation.

 

Hahahaha

 

 

Better super-size it :)

Better super-size it 🙂

feminism 2

4) Perhaps fuckboy just needs a fresh masculine hygiene product; suggest this to him gently.

masculine hygiene product

5) Failing all these tactics, cease conversation, give your old boy time to calm down, and then surprise him by having a bouquet of motor oil and a box of steaks delivered to his work. He’ll squeal with delight and be the envy of the entire garage!

Maybe record tonight’s episode of cupcake wars and take him out for a romantic evening at the junkyard instead. If you really want to impress him, use the aristocratic pronunciation “joonkyerd”. Just don’t be surprised if he’s feeling frisky afterwards 😉 🙂