Instead of blogging and posting selfies, why don’t you go to the gym instead, tubs?! What makes you think everyone wants to see your tits and fat rolls jiggling around? Wear a bra and put some clothes on! You think you’re sooooooo cute, but you’re just conceited and fat! You’re promoting an unhealthy lifestyle and costing the healthcare system *billions*!!!!
-Some chick who definitely did NOT go to school with you, never bullied you, and definitely is NOT jealous I keep catching my husband stalking your page
Thanks for writing, Some Chick! I hope you don’t mind I took the liberty of correcting your spelling and grammar errors and will now translate your inquiry from frothy douche-baguette to English:
If women like you are accepted and seen as attractive, then all the hours I spend in the gym and subsisting on baby carrots will be wasted because I have nothing to offer the world except my narrow ass. How do I learn to exude confidence like you so I’m not forced to tear down others in order to feel better about my unfulfilled existence?
-That chick whom karma was kind enough to let you watch get destroyed
I’m glad you asked! I’ve written about this subject extensively before, but as the weather gets warmer, I find that it bears reiterating.
How to Stop Being A Twatwaffle and Start Being Confident:
Step 1: Admit to yourself that you’re a sanctimonious, insufferable twatwaffle. If you’re not sure whether you’re annoying the fuck out of everyone or not, here are five symptoms to watch for:
1) You assume everyone wants to be like you, demand everyone have the same priorities as you, and offer unsolicited advice, even if the recipient has made it clear they don’t give a furry flying fucksock what you think.
2) You find yourself making disparaging comments about things folks have little to no control over such as income, class, appearance, where they live, where/if they went to school.
3) You assume things about people based on their appearance alone.
4) You live by the mantra “If I can do it, anyone can! No excuses!!!” and never take into account not everyone has the same opportunities and privileges.
5) You often find yourself joining conversations uninvited and having nothing to do with you, and subsequently losing your shit when you discover your comments have been deleted and/or you’ve been blocked.
Step 2: Now that you recognize yourself as self righteous busybody, find a new hobby. You don’t have to be good at it, as long as it’s fun and distracts you from telling others how to live.
In addition to blogging and cooking, I also enjoy quilting, upcycling trash into crafts, finding new ways to drop the ‘f’ bomb, putting fuckboys in their place, writing lunch notes for my dad, Netflixing, and creating new words for the Niktionary.
Step 3: Cut the bullshit. Forget about those silly things you “have” to do. Don’t feel like wearing makeup, heels, or shape-wear? Don’t. Don’t feel like hitting the gym? Don’t.
Of course you still have responsibilities; you still have to water the kids, walk the dog, pay the bills, call your parole officer, etc, but if it’s not an obligation, and doesn’t make you happy, don’t.
Some may argue that cutting the bullshit should come before finding a new hobby, and if you think that’ll work better for you, do it. I advise finding a hobby first because having something to look forward to will make cutting the bullshit easier.
Step 4: Unlearn the victim mentality. You’re not being “bullied” because no one cares about how you think they should live their life. “Tits and and fat rolls jiggling around” in no way affects your well-being. You are not owed health by anyone, and for fuck’s sake, just stop with the healthcare costs bullshit! You’re furious about the extra 6 cents you pay every month to cover someone’s blood pressure checks, I’m not happy about being forced to share the same oxygen with you. We all have issues! Just like I don’t have the right to run you over with a monster truck just because you’re an ignorant fuckstick, you’re not entitled to demanding folks look and behave a certain way in order to exist.
Hope this helps, and if you have a question for Hummuscidal Maniac, feel free to ask in the comments, on my page, or in a private message.
As always, thanks for reading!
Oh! And since I enjoy pissing folks off, here’s yet another selfie 😉