A Valentine’s Gift For All Y’all Namby Pamby Bitchwad Dickwits

The number one complaint readers bring to my attention is “why are you always so angry? Why can’t you write about something positive?”

The answer is because most of humanity (I’m using that word loosely here) sucks.

The second most common complaint is “why do you hate on Valentine’s day so much? Is it because you’re single?”

I may have mentioned my disdain for this goddessforsaken holiday once or twice, and I ain’t fittin to reiterate that shit, so the short answer is I hate what mainstream society considers “romance”.

To me, romance is knowing your SO hates flowers, stuffed animals, and jewelry, and would much rather prefer you wash dishes, fold a load of laundry, or scoop the litter box a few days throughout the year, even when it’s not “your turn”.

Or memorizing my Chipotle order, packing me a bowl, starting the coffee pot, just little things that indicate you’ve been paying attention.

But since y’all want me to write about something “positive”, here are ten things I love, in order from least to most:

10 ) That new pussy-friendly bubble bath

9 ) Duct tape

Replace loose sockets?! What, are you made of money? #DuctTape #RedneckRepairs #Redneckognize

Replace loose sockets?! What, are you made of money? #DuctTape #RedneckRepairs #Redneckognize

No insurance, no ace bandage; No problem! Use on ankle socks so they'll slide off easier and you won't have to waste more duct tape when you shower.

No insurance, no ace bandage; No problem! Use on ankle socks so they’ll slide off easier and you won’t have to waste more duct tape when you shower.

Headache? Aspirin's for liberals and Europeans. #DuctTape

Headache? Aspirin’s for liberals and Europeans.
#DuctTape

8 ) Fiscal responsibility in general. There’s nothing sexier than using coupons on a first date. Even if you don’t have your shit together now, it shows you’re planning for the future.

7) Tater tots, wine, hot sauce, and Big Mama’s pickles tied for #7

This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. #Homemade #pickles

This is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. #Homemade #pickles

6) Cheerwine, diet Dr Pepper, and diet coke, tied for #6

5) Jamberry and nail art in general

20170213_134403-1.jpg

4 ) Coffee!!! And bullet journal.

3 ) Cosmetology and writing tied for third.

Write or Dye

2 ) Cannabis *ahem* “alternative shrubbery”.

1 ) Family, whether by blood, or by choice, whether two legged or four, feathered or furry, I couldn’t be more blessed with my tribe 🙂

12143291_10206607032646471_793527740385529114_n

me and dad 2

me and craig

wpid-20150530_223831.jpg

JrJr and Bubba

 buttons

 

Advertisements

The Myth of Killing with Kindness and The Assholery Behind The Phrase

As a realist, I’m often accused of being brutally honest for simply telling it like it is, so here’s a squirrel in a sweater to shelter y’all namby-pamby bitch ass optimists from today’s truth bomb since I’m so adept at myth busting:

From Facebook page 'Squirrels Make Me Happy'

From Facebook page Squirrels Make Me Happy

Moving right along…

There are only two reasons why anyone would use the phrase “kill them with kindness”;

1 ) Because you’re a coddled prick who’s disconcerted by the concept of being called out on your bullshit, so you demand kindness even when you don’t deserve it.

2 ) You’re a self-important prick who feels entitled to one’s time, attention, and acknowledgement of your glorious presence, so you demand it under the guise of “kindness”, even after the other party has made abundantly clear they’d rather not associate with you.

So what you’re really saying when you offer the ill-conceived tidbit of “just kill your oppressor with kindness” is “Smile while you let that abusive fuckbrained dicksnack walk over you”, and if you’re the one purporting to be killing with kindness, what you’re really doing is forcing yourself on someone who would rather not be bothered with your horse shit.

“But wait! This person was mean to me first, so I’m being kind because it annoys them!”

You have every right to retaliate against an abusive twatwig, but call it what it really is; “killing slowly and painfully with madness-inducing passive-aggressiveness.”

“But this person was a customer at my job, so I have to be nice or I’ll be fired”

I’ve been there, and to a much lesser extent, I’m there now, so I’m not hating on anyone who’s not in a position to fight back. In this case, “killing with kindness” is really “corporate compulsory kindness”, or CCK, and the reason approximately 87% of Colonial Heights residents have been killed by “kindness” in one of my short stories 😉

#Therapy* *In ADDITION to professional help, NOT a substitute!

 

“But what would Jesus do?”

If Jesus can turn water into wine, then he can turn bullshit into weed and smoke it.

“But if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all!”

Key phrase here is DON’T SAY ANYTHING, not “If you don’t have anything nice to say, cloy your opponent to the point of projectile vomiting”, not “if you don’t have anything nice to say, make up shit about them and spread it far and wide until you feel vindicated”, not “If you don’t have anything nice to say, spew a bunch of syrupy saccharine glittery unicorn piss until the one you’re blatantly trying to annoy is visibly distressed”, but “If you don’t have anything nice to say, do. Fucking. NOT! Say anything at all”.

In order for kindness to be a virtue, it must be genuine. If you make a point of chirping “good morning” to your surly coworker until they respond because you get off on their irritation, you’re not being kind, you’re being self serving. A kind gesture would be offering to do something to make their day easier, such as starting a pot of coffee or fetching the mail.

If you’ve been blocked on Facebook, so you “like” and comment shit like “looking good! Hope all is well with you!” on the blocker’s tweets and instagram posts, you’re not being kind, you’re being a creepy stalker. You know damn well your behavior is scary. Especially considering it’s just as easy to unfollow and remain friends as it is to block, kindness would be respecting their wish to be left alone. Maybe a single email to offer an apology, but leave the ball in their court and move on.

To truly carry out an act of kindness, it must be done without expectation of recognition, otherwise, it’s most likely assholery disguised as charity.

As always, thanks for reading, and feel free to share any myths you’d like me to bust in an upcoming post 🙂

TL;DR version:

1 ) The phrase “kill them with kindness” is a tool of oppression used to silence victims or insert yourself into the life of someone who’s done with your shit.

2 ) Don’t be a dick.

3 ) You are never obliged to tolerate dickish behavior.

4 ) If you piss me off, and I respond with silence, then you need to thank whomever the fuck you pray to because that means I’m plotting your death in a short story instead of real life.

Fake Tits Fake Lesbianism And Other Fan Mail

Firstly, apologies for the run-on title, punctuation confuses google searches.

As predicted, this post angered fuckboys and generated “civil discourse” in the form of calling me a cunt.

I replied to my favorites in the video below, (Don’t forget to subscribe!) but first, I’m going to address the misogyny behind insulting women and non-binary folks by accusing us of being “fake”.

Re: Fake Tits

Unrealistic beauty standards set by mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging fuckboys aside, it’s none of your goddamned business what anyone chooses to do with their body.

Stop assuming women get implants for male attention. What women do is rarely about impressing you. Grow the fuck up, get some hobbies other than harassing feminist bloggers, and stop obsessing over the actions of women who neither know nor care about your existence. Better yet, educate yourselves so that maybe one day a woman will spend time with you on her own volition.

I don’t owe anyone an explanation for the way I look, but I will say I’m broke as fuck, my credit is shit, and implants start at around $6000; if I had that kinda money to blow on frivolities, I’d spend it on tattoos, weed, some of those fancy ass tater tots from Sticky Rice, fancy duct tape, and adding more sequins to my wardrobe.  🙂

Box of tea from Sam's Club + fancy duct tape = a sewing box that won't leave kids disappointed when they realize there are no cookies :)

Box of tea from Sam’s Club + fancy duct tape =
a sewing box that won’t leave kids disappointed when they realize there are no cookies 🙂

Re: Fake Lesbianism

Notice how cis-men are never accused of pretending to be gay for attention?

That’s because fuckboys fancy themselves fuckable by everyone and their ego is too fragile to entertain the idea that the rest of us don’t want to fuck them, thus we must be faking for their precious attention.

Yet these same basement dwelling neckbeards are quick to hurl “dyke” at hetero women who reject them. In their tiny dickbrains, all women are either dykes because we want to fuck them, or dykes because we don’t.

finished rainbow boobs

I have a pretty face and perky tits; I ain’t gotta do shit for male attention, so again, stop assuming everything is about you. It is NO ONE’S place to define someone else’s orientation. We all have our suspicions about the sexual preferences of others, and yes, I’m annoyed by “party trick lesbians”, but being annoyed doesn’t entitle one to questioning another’s identity. Where I come from, we have manners, so if you’re annoying, but ain’t hurtin nobody, we’ll just talk about you behind your back like the fucking ladies we are 😉

Yes, I understand women do this too, watch the damn video!

Fan Mail; Five Signs You’re an Insufferable Twatwaffle and How to Recover

Dear Hummuscidal,

Instead of blogging and posting selfies, why don’t you go to the gym instead, tubs?! What makes you think everyone wants to see your tits and fat rolls jiggling around? Wear a bra and put some clothes on! You think you’re sooooooo cute, but you’re just conceited and fat! You’re promoting an unhealthy lifestyle and costing the healthcare system *billions*!!!!

-Some chick who definitely did NOT go to school with you, never bullied you, and definitely is NOT jealous I keep catching my husband stalking your page

Thanks for writing, Some Chick! I hope you don’t mind I took the liberty of correcting your spelling and grammar errors and will now translate your inquiry from frothy douche-baguette to English:

Dear Hummuscidal,

If women like you are accepted and seen as attractive, then all the hours I spend in the gym and subsisting on baby carrots will be wasted because I have nothing to offer the world except my narrow ass. How do I learn to exude confidence like you so I’m not forced to tear down others in order to feel better about my unfulfilled existence? 

-That chick whom karma was kind enough to let you watch get destroyed

I’m glad you asked! I’ve written about this subject extensively before, but as the weather gets warmer, I find that it bears reiterating.

How to Stop Being A Twatwaffle and Start Being Confident:

Step 1: Admit to yourself that you’re a sanctimonious, insufferable twatwaffle. If you’re not sure whether you’re annoying the fuck out of everyone or not, here are five symptoms to watch for:

1) You assume everyone wants to be like you, demand everyone have the same priorities as you, and offer unsolicited advice, even if the recipient has made it clear they don’t give a furry flying fucksock what you think.

2) You find yourself making disparaging comments about things folks have little to no control over such as income, class, appearance, where they live, where/if they went to school.

3) You assume things about people based on their appearance alone.

4) You live by the mantra “If I can do it, anyone can! No excuses!!!” and never take into account not everyone has the same opportunities and privileges.

5) You often find yourself joining conversations uninvited and having nothing to do with you, and subsequently losing your shit when you discover your comments have been deleted and/or you’ve been blocked.

Step 2: Now that you recognize yourself as self righteous busybody, find a new hobby. You don’t have to be good at it, as long as it’s fun and distracts you from telling others how to live.

In addition to blogging and cooking, I also enjoy quilting, upcycling trash into crafts, finding new ways to drop the ‘f’ bomb, putting fuckboys in their place, writing lunch notes for my dad, Netflixing, and creating new words for the Niktionary.

Step 3: Cut the bullshit. Forget about those silly things you “have” to do. Don’t feel like wearing makeup, heels, or shape-wear? Don’t. Don’t feel like hitting the gym? Don’t.

Of course you still have responsibilities; you still have to water the kids, walk the dog, pay the bills, call your parole officer, etc, but if it’s not an obligation, and doesn’t make you happy, don’t.

Some may argue that cutting the bullshit should come before finding a new hobby, and if you think that’ll work better for you, do it. I advise finding a hobby first because having something to look forward to will make cutting the bullshit easier.

Step 4: Unlearn the victim mentality. You’re not being “bullied” because no one cares about how you think they should live their life. “Tits and and fat rolls jiggling around” in no way affects your well-being. You are not owed health by anyone, and for fuck’s sake, just stop with the healthcare costs bullshit! You’re furious about the extra 6 cents you pay every month to cover someone’s blood pressure checks, I’m not happy about being forced to share the same oxygen with you. We all have issues! Just like I don’t have the right to run you over with a monster truck just because you’re an ignorant fuckstick, you’re not entitled to demanding folks look and behave a certain way in order to exist.

Hope this helps, and if you have a question for Hummuscidal Maniac, feel free to ask in the comments, on my page, or in a private message.

As always, thanks for reading!

Oh! And since I enjoy pissing folks off, here’s yet another selfie 😉

Fan Mail; Tits Are Not Consent

Dick Lesfocker from Derpberg Va writes:

“Women who wear revealing clothes are sending a confusing message to men! If you don’t want to be treated like a hoe, then don’t dress like one! Us pitiful fuckboys can’t help how we perceive you!”

Well, Mr. Lesfocker, I’m going to break this down in several steps so I don’t lose you. Go find a grown-up to help with the big words, I’ll wait…

1) There’s nothing confusing about the word “NO“. You learn that shit in Kindergarten. You are not entitled to time, attention, sex, or even so much as a handshake because you were “confused” by a woman’s clothing.

2) Any “message” you infer from a woman’s clothing is a sign of your worthlessness, not hers.

3) A hoe is a garden tool, but seeing as how you objectify women, I’m not surprised that extra E stumped you. So called “hos”, i.e.; women who dare enjoy sex, don’t owe you shit. You do not get to decide who’s worthy of respect based on how they dress or your perception of their sex life.

4) If every woman you “perceive” as wanting your attention actually wants anything but, maybe you don’t exactly have the gift of ESP.

5) As long as men get to legally walk around topless, I don’t want to hear shit about the way women dress. Especially considering women are banished to bathroom stalls to feed their babies while you get to remove your shirt just for your own comfort.

6) Stop playing the victim because women don’t want to fuck you.

Hope this clears some things up and I’d be happy to correct any other patriarchal bullshit you believe.

 Neither are “tramp stamps”, though I prefer the term “lumbar decor”, sounds all classy and shit 😉

This is the best picture I could get of my ass as a selfie :/