Wooden Family Christmas Newsletter 2016 and Photo Dump

Merry Solstice, Loved Ones!

It’s been quite the year!

Firstly; please forgive the author for referring to herself in the third person 🙂

Everyone’s favorite Wooden, Nikki, is still well adept at dropping the “F bomb” in any fucking part of a sentence, which is part of her charm;

Fucking Va Beach. #ClassicNikki

still crazy as fuck, (also part of her charm) and still diabetic as fuck, which sucks 😥

But she’s still employed, somehow NOT back in prison, and best of all, NOT remarried, so we’ll count this as a win.

We can all drink to that!

Why is this a thing? Whyyyy?!

Why is this a thing? Whyyyy?!

Jr continues to bring shame to the family and will never measure up to his stunning, talented, witty, and humble sister, nor will his eyebrows ever be as perfectly sharpied, but he managed to go another successful week of not pooping his breeches, so there’s that. Please keep him in your prayers. Bless his heart.

Jr Jr and Bubba amaze us everyday with how quickly they’re growing and maturing, which can be attributed to the influence of their favorite aunt.

Ma and Pa Wooden will be celebrating 34 years of marriage this March. Being that their favorite child will be turning 34 in July, this goes to show that if you wait until marriage, the Good Lord will bless you with delivery of a healthy 10 lb baby at four months. Only Jezebels suffer 9 month pregnancies 🙂

Grandma Cooke, and Big Mama and Big Daddy Wooden try to downplay how much they love their favorite grandchild and only granddaughter the most, but they ain’t fooling nobody.

Y’all’s truly,

Pumpkin 🙂

And now the 2016 year end photo dump:

And look at what you'll be capable of when the timing is right! #OilSlickHair

#OilSlickHair

I'm still feminist as fuck :)

I’m still feminist as fuck 🙂

#BodyPos

#NoWaistLine #NoAss #NoFucksToGive

My solution to dad refusing to use "girl soap". #FixedIt

My solution to dad refusing to use “girl soap”.
#FixedIt

This is why you don't wear vans to a mudbog. #redneckognize #CountryDykeCanSurvive

This is why you don’t wear vans to a mudbog. #redneckognize #CountryDykeCanSurvive

Yep.

Yep.

Searches that led to here.

Searches that led to here. I have no further commentary.

Pets with henefits #Punglasses

Pets with henefits
#Punglasses

#Doublefisting #DontJudge

#Doublefisting #DontJudge

Privacy? Boundaries? What are those? #NoShame

Privacy? Boundaries? What are those? #NoShame

#PommyMommy

#PommyMommy

Because fuck you, that's why

Because fuck you, that’s why.

Cat lady porn

Cat lady porn

Whoever you are, marry me!

Whoever you are, marry me!

It's okay to be jealous.

It’s okay to be jealous.

My birthday :)

My birthday 🙂

:'( :'( #UglyCrying

😥 😥 #UglyCrying

#Halloween #PrinceTribute #purplerain #SexyMotherfucker #DarlingNikki

#Halloween #PrinceTribute #purplerain #SexyMotherfucker #DarlingNikki

#WakeNBake #420 #NoMakeUp #NoFilter

#WakeNBake #420 #NoMakeUp #NoFilter

FYI; both these stores were a profound disappointment

FYI; both these stores were a profound disappointment

In my draws, frosting a cake at 3 am. #HowIRoll

It was a rough week.

It was a rough week.

Story of my life.

Story of my life.

Vegan rainbow cake.

Vegan rainbow cake.

Why are cat paws so cute?! #SQUEEE #CatLadyPorn

Why are cat paws so cute?! #SQUEEE #CatLadyPorn

The joys of living in Prince George Va. I have no time for willful ignorance. Bless their hearts.

The joys of living in Prince George Va.
I have no time for willful ignorance.
Bless their hearts.

Merry Solstice, y'all!

Merry Solstice, y’all!

 

An Ode to Ambien

wedding do over

As y’all might be aware, I. Fucking. Hate. Christmas. But as us Woodens are wont to do, I make the best of it, and though I’m late, (A Wooden late? Whaaa?!) this year is no exception. The following masterpiece is sung to the tune of O Christmas Tree.

O Ambien:

O Ambien, O Ambien

Fuck, what month is it again?

O Ambien, O Ambien

Where’d I leave my pelican?

*

Not only night when sleep is here

When mother-ship is getting near

O Ambien, O Ambien

Why am I chasing reindeer?

*

O Ambien, O Ambien

Such bat shit doth thou bring me!

O Ambien, O Ambien

Umm… Y’all see that too, right?

*

For every night this sleeping pill

Hallucinate, you sure will

O Ambien, O Ambien

How FUBARed am I still?

*

O Ambien, O Ambien

You’ll ever fuck fuck me up again

More money for big pharma

Better stick with marijuana

*

Each written script

Each dollar spent

Lines the pockets of a corporate prick

*

O Ambien, O Ambien

Seriously, what day is it?

Your guess is as good as mine as to how it’s possible I don’t have a show. Maybe I should read this at a poetry slam?

Merry Valentine Equinox, Y’all! 🙂