French Cries To Go Along With That Waaah Burger

It’s no secret I’m a huge proponent for cannabis, but I want to make one thing clear;

I’m not a hot mess because I smoke, I smoke because I’m a hot mess.

If you’re against a plant that helps folks and hurts no one, you’re a cunt. If your “reasoning” is a little secondhand smoke might contaminate your precious sensibilities, you’re not only ignorant, but also a narcissist. You’re saying folks shouldn’t be allowed something helpful to them, and inconsequential to you, because you just don’t like it? I don’t like capri pants, yet I’m forced to look at them most days, but you don’t see me trying to criminalize bad fashion do you? Because I’m not a sanctimonious fuckstick who feels entitled to telling others how to live their lives.

“Derrr but there’s no such thing as secondhand capri pants derrrr” you say?

What the hell do you call the racks I have to sort through at the thrift store to find non-hideous breeches?

Why don’t prohibitionists have the same vitriol for prescription pain killers and alcohol? Not that they should be banned, but some addicts resort to stealing, robbery, mugging, and sucking dick* to feed their habit. The worst I’ve ever done to procure cannabis was buy from a libertarian *shudders*.

In other words, add anti-legalization to the list of bullshit I’ll no longer tolerate. There are no “both sides” to this issue, if you don’t like it, don’t fucking smoke it. It really is that simple. If you’re okay with folks serving even one second in prison for smoking a plant, kindly go fuck yourself in the ass with a rusty steak knife, and after you’re done with that, fix yourself some french cries to along with that waaah burger.

And now the recipe.

As I mentioned, I’m a hot mess. I’m also broke, allergic to wheat, and occasionally lack motivation to cook. These fries are the perfect temporary solution.

Cheap, quick, easy, wheat-free, goes great with cannabis, and don’t give a fuck.

Basically, if I were a food, I’d be these fries. 😉

You can usually find shelf stable garlic spread in the bakery department of grocery stores for a couple bucks and they’re typically vegan. If you can’t find it, Earth Balance or Smart Balance (which is cheaper and now vegan!) can be used instead. Just add half a teaspoon of garlic powder, and a pinch of salt and pepper.

Homemade fries can be used, but sometimes, I’m just too fucking lazy. #NoShame

Nutritional yeast adds cheesiness and protein, but can be hard to find for us small town vegans, so don’t fret if you don’t have any.

French Cries, AKA Vegan Garlic Cheese Fries:

nonstick cooking spray

2 big ass handfuls frozen fries of your choice (I like crinkle cut)

3 Tablespoons garlic spread (I ain’t say this shit was healthy)

salt to taste

1-2 tablespoons chopped chives, (fresh or freeze dried) optional

1-2 tablespoons nutritional yeast, optional, but soooo worth it of you can find it!

Preheat over to 425 degrees, spray cookie sheet liberally with pam and add fries. Drop garlic spread in even-ish spoonfuls on top and bake for 25 minutes.

Toss to coat, sprinkle with salt, chives, and nutritional yeast and eat. Serves one flaming hot mess.

*Not that there’s anything wrong with dick sucking for money, or any other sex work, I’m just saying some addicts only do so as a last resort to feed their addiction

 

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Fuck Valentine’s Day III and Easy Vegan Crack Coffee

I’ve made my opinion of this goddess forsaken holiday abundantly clear here, here, and here, and this year’s no different.

I couldn’t be happier about my freedom to fuck whoever I want,

but as usual, my news feed is filled with tales of woe by single folks, so here’s a tale to boost your spirits, (or at least boost your self esteem):

The year was 2010, unbeknownst to me, my husband had been cheating with a 19 year old waffle house waitress (because my life is one big Jeff Foxworthy joke) and thus began a weightlifting regime in order to impress his young mistress.

Valentine’s day fell on a Sunday that year, and though I was usually off on Sundays, I had to be at work at 9:30 am to paint the hooves of a coven of mini-van driving, skort wearing, soccer mom, bitchbiscuits who assumed the tips were included in the spa packages.

Y’all know the type; the ones with stick figure family and soccer ball decals on their Chrysler town & country, complain tattoo’d folks ruin the “high end spa experience” (Bitch, we were in a strip mall next to a rent-a-center!), give all wives of LEOs and Military a bad rap by bragging about their husbands’ status (for fuck’s sake, just say you’re unemployed.), and have standing weekly mani-pedi appointments so they can bemoan how little “me-time” they have, though they obviously have at least six free hours a month and two free hours a day to maintain this haircut:

Photo stolen from weknowmemes.com

Anywho, my alarm was set at the very last fucking minute because I’ll be goddamned if I was gonna make an effort to look nice for these cuntcakes.

Fifteen minutes before my alarm was set to go off, my husband woke me up by nudging me and instructing me to keep my eyes closed. I was annoyed, but I knew he had a 5 am gym session, and figured since it was valentine’s day, he’d surprised me with a pumpkin spice soy latte (I’m half white, SHUT UP!), so humoring him, I sat up in bed.

“Now open” he said.

I opened my eyes to find nary a latte, but my husband with his sweatpants down around his ankles.

“What the ever lovin fuckity fuck?!” I asked.

He responded “Check out my quads.”

Allow me to reiterate; my gift from my husband was the opportunity to feast my eyes upon the same hairy hamburger meat loins I saw every fucking day.

“It can’t possible get any worse!” you say? You haven’t been following this blog long.

He then turned around, dropped his draws, and said “now check out my glutes!”.

Don’t get me wrong, I had always instructed him not to buy me valentine’s day gifts, and I wasn’t expecting one, but I was also expecting to sleep for another fifteen fucking minutes!

FYI; future potential suitors, do NOT wake me up unless either I’m in immanent danger, or you’re presenting me with a vegan latte.

My sister-in-law is addicted to the frozen lattes sold at 7/11 she dubbed “crack coffee”, but has since developed lactose intolerance and was going through withdrawals until I introduced her to homemade crack coffee.

 This recipe is adapted from The BrokeAss Gourmet and can be enjoyed hot or cold.

Per serving:

Hot latte:

4 oz strong brewed coffee (I use 4 T per 6oz water and freeze the leftovers for cold lattes)

1 cup vegan milk, heated in microwave until boiling (I always buy unsweetened. My favorites in order; cashew, almond, coconut, soy)

1 T sweetener of choice (optional) (I like dates, but table sugar, splenda, agave nectar, or flavored syrup work well)

Option add ins:

1 T coconut oil (makes it “milkier” and great for your skin)

1 T chia or flax seeds (great way to add protein, but also add sliminess :/ )

1 t extract (vanilla, almond, maple, mint; whatever you like)

Add all ingredients to blender and blend the fuck out of it for three minutes.

Cold latte:

4 frozen coffee cubes

1 cup vegan milk

1 T sweetener

1/2 banana (optional)

1-2 T peanut butter

Chocolate syrup

Same optional add ins as hot latte

Blend until smooth.

Oh, and I haven’t forgotten about you hopeless romantics out there, here’s a selection of realistic valentines for the ones you tolerate, from Niktorious NIK:

And for my fellow lesbians:

Boshephus Dessert Casserole (Vegan Pumpkin Pecan Chocolate Pie Cake Casserole)

Since I named my external genitalia “Ms. Pretty”, I figured it was only fair my evil, gun-toting, bible-thumping, Glen Beck worshiping uterus gets a name too, so I settled on “Boshephus” as I’m fairly certain she sits on the front porch of my reproductive system playing a banjo and whittling sticks.

***RANT ALERT***

Endometriosis is no fucking joke! If it was an issue that affected folks with penises, hysterectomies would be offered at D.M.V. and 7/11 would sell Vicodin Slurpees. Notice how available treatments for endometriosis can help with fertility or heavy bleeding, but do fuck all for pain? Those of us suffering are told to take Motrin. If Motrin helped, I wouldn’t be at the fucking gyno brandishing my junk to the heat lamp/spotlight so a woman 2 years older than god can jack her open like she’s fixin to change my vagina’s tires and tell me to “take Motrin”.

ADD moment:

At this point, I must give a shout out to Fan Free Clinic in Richmond Va, they’re the first place to take my schizophrenic uterus and subsequent pain seriously, and the first place to take my word for it the FIRST time I said I had no intention of baking a bun in my oven.

***RESUMING RANT***

Not saying that women aren’t bothered by infertility and heavy bleeding, but how convenient is it that the available treatments for endometriosis are for the symptoms that bother MEN? My pain isn’t valid unless it also affects my hypothetical male partner?! Aw. HaayyyAAAlll to the motherfuckin nah! It’s officially fuck-this-shit-o’clock!!! I’m a grown ass woman, I should’ve been given a hysterectomy the FIRST time I requested one, No. Questions. Asked! “Ohhh but what if you regret it?” you ask?! So fucking what? I do shit I regret every fucking day! Where were these concern trolls when I was tattooing an ex’s name on me? 

I wear bling to detract attention from the “mark of a genius”. Kindly ignore cat scratches and arm hair; I’m a proud born again spinster and cat lady.

Had I been given a hysterectomy the first time I asked, the endometriosis wouldn’t have been able to spread, and I wouldn’t be in intense agony despite an IUD (which was a nightmare and a whole ‘notha post!) and taking birth control pills. “TMI!!!” you say? You wouldn’t feel that way if it was your uterus tap dancing and twirling fire batons whilst wrapping barbed wire around your internal organs.

Anywho, once my uterus chills the fuck out and I’m able to resume eating things other than Saltines, broth, and ginger ale, much to the chagrin of my insulin pump, I WANT ALL THE SUGARS!!!

How I feel.

Photo stolen from Pinterest and doesn’t list source 😦

medicaketion

 From Niktorious NIK

I swear I have reverse PMS because I crave junk after my cycle of misery, or perhaps like a coworker once told me, my period’s backwards because I’m nice 4-5 days a month and a bitch the rest of the time, either way, this Boshephus casserole helps me stop crying.

Though you’ll have to dirty 3 dishes, and it’s time consuming, it’s easy and worth the effort.

You’ll need to start with this, which is vegan and can be found either with the jellos and pudding mixes, or in the “ethnic” aisle and usually cost less than$1 per box. It makes a fine dessert on it’s own if you replace dairy milk with almond or coconut milk, just reduce from the 4 cups called for to 3.

Whisk with 2 cups coconut milk in a small sauce pan and heat on medium low until it just starts to boil. Meanwhile, preheat oven to 350 degrees and grease a 13×9 cake pan or casserole dish with canola, olive, or coconut oil, or melted Earth Balance. The sugar packet can be drizzled on top of finished casserole, but I don’t care for it.

Boshephus Dessert Casserole:

2 cups flan mixture

1 12oz can pumpkin puree

1 T vanilla extract

2 t cinnamon

2 t freshly grated nutmeg

pinch of salt

1/2 brown sugar or white sugar w/1 T molasses

1 box firm or extra firm silken tofu (also usually found in the ethnic aisle, plain firm or extra firm tofu works too)

1 box yellow cake mix (Check the label, many are vegan, especially store brands)

2 cups chopped pecans or walnuts (optional)

1 cup chocolate chips (optional)

1/2 melted Earth Balance or coconut oil, or EVOO

1) Mix all ingredients except cake mix, nuts, chocolate, and melted Earth Balance in a blender and blend the fuck out of it until smooth and lump free.

2) Pour into greased pan.

3) Sprinkle cake mix evenly on top, followed by nuts, chocolate, and melted Earth Balance, coconut oil or EVOO.

4) Bake for 1 hour.

5) Let sit for 1 hour before eating

serves 1 hungry bitch or 6-8

Photo shown is without chocolate (Allergy 😥 )

Tastes even better on day 2

Twas the Night Before Stoner Christmas and Lazy Ass Vegan Tacos.

#NOThigh

Twas the night before stoner Christmas
When all through the house
Nary a fuck was given
Not even an ounce
The bongs were packed
By the smokers with care
In hopes that Fritos
Soon would be there
The stoners sprawled out all over the beds
While visions of burritos danced in their heads
Some chick I just met 45 minutes ago in her draws
And I in my hemp thread wrap
Had just settled in for a long winter’s nap
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I strolled slowly to see what was the matter
Out of the window I saw blue lights flash
I quickly stashed the cash and the hash
Flashlight shone on the bong in my hand
Baggies clearly visible on the night stand
When what to my reddening eyes should appear
But Bubba out front, drinking a beer
With his old lady wielding a stick
Hitting his head swiftly and quick
More rapid than NASCAR his swears they came
He shoulda thought twice ‘fore calling her a name
“You see what happened was” Bubba began to say
Cops reminded him of rights to wait for court day
I LOVE YOU JOLLEEN he shouted anyway
Sir she’s only fourteen and a runaway
I made some poporn to watch the spectacle
Bubba had better pray for a miracle
Face down in the snow hands cuffed behind his back
Officers found several baggies of smack
The charges were steadily stacking up high
The heartbroken hillbilly began to cry
The cops then took a peak inside Jolleen’s purse
His predicament went from bad to much worse
Crack pipes and crystal and a weapon concealed
Bubba swore up and down that he never dealed
The paddywagon then hauled Bubba to jail
I took another hit and waited to exhale
The cops were then gone and the bong had tapped out
Weed was hard to grow on account of a drought
A new text on my phone was sent from my guy
“I’ve procured more” it read “how much can you buy”
He’s shady and greasy and kinda smells gross
But what can I say when I need him the most
His dreadlocks hang like old lint from the dryer
But who cares I’m fixin’ to get even higher
He came to my doorstep cannabis in tow
I paid him in cash and away he did go
I heard him exclaim as he drove outta sight
Where can I get a taco this time of night?

 

These lazy ass tacos come together quickly with a few pantry staples.

Lazy Ass Vegan Tacos:

Taco shells

Can of vegetarian refried beans

Jar of salsa

Sabra brand guacamole

bag of shredded cabbage mixed with a few tablespoons Veganaise or EVOO and Cilantro (or old bay if you’re craving fish tacos)

You don’t really need instructions do you? Put that shit in a shell and eat it.

Photo: Lazy ass vegan tacos. Recipe will be posted Wednesday :)

Redneck Hanukkah and Semi-Ho-made Jelly Dernuerts (AKA “Doughnuts”) #Redneckognize!

Everyone knows the story of Hanukkah, but do y’all know the story of Redneckukah? 

redneck randall knife display - Gather 'round I'm fixin' ta lern ya up!

It’s a tradition started in 1983 in the trailer park *ahem* mobile home community in the backwoods of Gastonia NC. Ever the prioritizer and financial planner, Uncle Pa made sure the satellite bill was paid in full and on time lest he and his cousin/wife miss the broadcast of the holiest of Redneck holidays, The Dayterner Fi Hunnerd, however, he neglected to pay the power bill opting to instead invest the money in scratch tickets in order to secure his retirement. The bill was due on the first of February, just 8 short days before the celebration of the great pilgrimage of the moonshiners of NC to Daytona. (Seriously, that’s how NASCAR got started! Moonshiners souping up their vehicles to outrun the po-po during prohibition. Google that shit!) With all the lotto tickets turning out to be duds, and Uncle Pa’s tax return nowhere in sight (It turns out you have to pay taxes in order to receive a tax return, and as we all know, moonshiners don’t pay taxes.) it seemed the festivities were going to be missed, but by the grace of Cannon Ball Baker, the power company was too busy polluting the reservoirs to bother cutting the electricity for a full 8 days and 9 nights, thus ensuring the sacred holiday could be observed. The celebration of Redneckukah was moved to December in 2002 in order to properly mourn the death of Dale Earnhardt Sr. The holiday is celebrated by feasting on the finer items procured from the local Stuckey’s, sitting on the front porch playing banjos, and whittling sticks. Many rednecks keep the holiday lights up on the front porch all year long in remembrance of the many lives lost following the utterance of the phrase “Hey y’all! Hold muh burr ‘n watch this!”

*Cue shooting rainbow star from those ‘the more you know’ commercials of the early 90s*

What are those finer food items at Stucky’s you ask? A tube of biscuits. Most refrigerated biscuits are vegan, but as always, check the label. You’re also gonna need a bunch of those jelly packets you’ve stockpiled from Hardee’s and Waffle House, a pastry bag (or a Ziploc with a corner cut off) a skillet, a fuckton of either peanut or vegetable oil, and powdered sugar.

Jelly Dernuerts:

1 cup canola, vegetable, or peanut oil

1 tube of biscuits (Many store brands are vegan)

1/4 cup powdered sugar

1/2 jelly, any flavor (I like strawberry)

1) Fill pastry bag or Ziploc with Jelly.

2) Line a cookie sheet or platter with paper towels.

3) Heat oil in skillet on medium high, oil is ready when a drop of water or flour splatters angrily.

4) Separate biscuits. (Duh. If you really needed me to tell you that, you shouldn’t be allowed near any heat source.)

5) Place biscuits in oil, leaving at least 2 inches between biscuits.

6) Fry for 1 minute,

7) Flip biscuits with a pair of metal tongs.

8) Fry 1 minute more.

9) Move to cookie sheet or platter and using a sifter or sieve, sprinkle generously on both sides with powdered sugar (If using apple or peach jelly, add cinnamon to powdered sugar.

10) Using pastry bag or Ziploc, once doughnuts are cool enough to handle, load them bitches up with jelly. The frying causes air pockets to form, so there’s plenty of room for jelly. Vegan pudding or frosting could also be used.

Puffy, Potatoey, Pillows of Heaven, AKA Vegan Samosas

Things I hate:

1) New Year’s resolutions

2) The type of people who make New Year’s resolutions

3) Valentine’s day

4) People who like Valentine’s day

Things I love:

1)Being a vegan

2) Eating carbs

3) Eating salty stuff (gigity)

4) Baking (both in the sense of making pastries, and getting high)

Now the question is how to simultaneously spite the things I hate and enjoy the things I love. These samosas are perfect! They’re high in carbs and salt which is a big FUCK YOU to resolutions and they’re easy to eat several of in one sitting which makes them perfect for Valentine’s day, which I plan on celebrating with my special lady friend, Mary Jane 😀

Much to my mom’s chagrin, I have yet to master the fine art of pie crust, so I use wonton wrappers. They can be found in the produce department, usually with the salad dressings.

Vegan Samosas:

1 package wonton wrappers

2 T Olive or coconut oil (I like coconut, it brings out the curry flavor)

1 small sweet onion, diced

1 teaspoon turmeric

1/2-1 teaspoon cayenne pepper (optional, omit if you don’t like heat)

Salt and freshly ground black pepper

2″ chunk of fresh ginger, either peeled and minced, or shredded on microplane (If using microplane, there’s no need to peel)

3-6 cloves of garlic either minced or shredded on a microplane (depending on how much you love garlic)

1 small russet potato (about the size of a computer mouse)

1 cup frozen peas

Additional salt and pepper to taste

Additional oil for brushing the tops of samosas.

Cilantro lime dipping sauce (recipe follows)

Preheat oven to 400 degrees, in a medium skillet, heat oil on medium-low and add onions and spices (Adding the spices now helps the onions taste “onionier” and mellows the bitterness in the turmeric and cayenne. The great thing about vegan cooking is you can taste as you go along without fear of salmonella and adjust spices accordingly) saute for ten minutes, reduce heat if onion starts to brown, meanwhile, “bake” potato in the microwave on high for 5 minutes then place in a bowl of ice water (this will help the peel slip off easier) add garlic and ginger and cook for 2 more minutes, add peeled potato and mash in the pan using either the spatula or a potato masher, remove from heat and add frozen peas and stir to combine. Taste  and add more salt and pepper if needed as potatoes tend to neutralize saltiness. Place 1 teaspoon of filling in the center of a wonton wrapper (1 teaspoon sounds like a tiny amount, but filling expands as it cooks and you don’t want it oozing out of it’s wrapper), using either a pastry brush, or your finger, trace the perimeter of the wonton wrapper with water to help seal the samosa, and fold in half diagonally, fold in the tabs if desired (My dad likes for every bite to have the same proportion of wrapper to filling, so I fold the tabs in. He’s an engineer- ’nuff said.) place prepared samosas on a lightly oiled cookie sheet, folded side down, and brush lightly with oil to help them get crispy. Bake for 20-25 minutes and allow to cool for 10 minutes before eating. Serve with cilantro lime dipping sauce. Makes approximately 50 samosas.

Cilantro Lime Dipping Sauce: 

1/2 bunch fresh cilantro (no need to remove stems), rinsed (to rinse, fill a bowl with cold water and swish cilantro around, shake to dry)

A few sprigs of fresh mint, optional

1/2 cup EVOO

Juice and zest of 1 lime

2-3 cloves garlic

1″ chunk of ginger

1 fresh jalapeno (if you’re not a pussy)

juice and zest of 1 lime

2 teaspoons sugar

Salt and Pepper

Place all ingredients in a blender or food processor and blend until smooth and cilantro is in tiny specks. Can be made up to three days ahead.

I’m a cook and a writer, not a photographer, but I promise they taste better than they look!

Dealing With Protein Police and Vegan Spinach Dip

protein shaming blog material.

Every vegan/vegetarian has had at least one of the following experiences:

Scenario 1) You’re at a shindig that’s decidedly carnivore friendly, so you pass on the hot wings and sip your drink, minding your own business, when another party goer corners you and says you just have to try the veal meatballs whilst shoving the ground calf fetus on a toothpick all up in your grill, you politely decline stating that you don’t eat meat and then this fuckstick is suddenly the etiquette expert and starts berating you for everything from being “rude” to the hostess to “forcing your beliefs on others”.

Jesus tap dancing Christ, can’t a sistah attend a baby shower without getting stopped by the protein police?!

Scenario 2) You share a meatless Monday recipe on your Facebook page (mostly so you won’t lose it, but hopefully, others will find it useful as well), and Negative Nancy comments “Ew” and then Debbie Downer says “That looks good, but I’m allergic to gluten, soy, rice, oats, barley, rye, corn, beans, lettuce, onions, garlic, peanuts, almonds, sesame seeds, potatoes, and carrots. If I don’t eat meat, eggs, and dairy, I’ll die slowly and painfully, so when you post judgmental crap like this, you’re basically saying you want me to die! Think before you post! Not everyone can be a vegan!”

All that drama over a fucking enchilada recipe. SMH.

Scenario 3) You’re putting a misogynistic, fat-shaming, douchetard in his place via Facebook thread, when his 21 year old “dietitian” ( By “dietitian”, he means he goes door to door selling this crap) friend jumps in; “Do you realize that as a vegan, you are basically starving to death and your body is eating your muscles for protein? Vegan diets are too high in carbs, which is my you’re such a cow. You’re so ignorant to believe all the propaganda about how badly animals are treated in factory farms. I know this for a fact because I have a friend who works as a receptionist at a nutritionist’s office. You have many trips to the doctor in your future. How dare you care more about animals than the fact that I don’t find you physically attractive? I’m very threatened by women who think for themselves because it forces me to think about my own shortcomings. I can tell just by looking at you that you’re not healthy. Have I made you feel shitty yet? No? Did I mention I don’t find you attractive?”

So if physical appearance is an indicator of one’s health status, how is it that I’m 30 and look 20, and he’s 21 and looks 35? Vegan Cow: 1, Douchewaffle with Napoleon complex: 0.

So what do you do if you find yourself in one of these situations? I believe my friend Jennifer says it best:

Why is it that, on any thread or real life conversation concerning veganism or vegetarianism, there’s always at least one meat eater that feels compelled to start running his/her mouth? If you love to eat animal flesh, then go eat some, and stay out of a conversation that obviously doesn’t concern you. And I swear, the next person who feels that they absolutely must go on a tangent about how “concerned” they are that I’m not getting enough protein in my diet (which is completely laughable btw) is going to get punched in the genitals.
And for clarity’s sake, I really don’t give two flying earthworm fucks about what you choose to eat. It’s not my business. You’re an adult, you make your own decisions, and if you want to scarf down animal flesh eighty times a day, that’s on you. I’m not going to judge you on that, and I expect the same courtesy
Preach it, Sistah!
Not that I’ve never encountered a preachy, self-important vegan, but for every militant vegan I’ve met, I’ve met ten overly defensive carnivores who are quick to tell me all about the vegan they knew back in college who died of scurvy/cancer/the plague because the lack of protein compromised their immune system, and lordt, don’t let anyone find out that I’m a type one diabetic (that’s the one you can’t do shit to prevent, BTW, so save the hate mail)! My veganism is surely the cause of “the sugar”.  Not that I owe anyone an explanation of my health status, but I’ll share it anyway out of the kindness of my heart.
I’ve been T1D since I was 11, that’s nearly 2/3 of my life. You don’t live this long with T1D without any complications by not watching what you eat. As a kid, I was in and out of the hospital due to complications from asthma and several bouts of pneumonia, I also have scoliosis, endometriosis, PCOS, an atypical heart condition (too much to describe here, but it’s hereditary and there ain’t shit to prevent it either, so again, save the hate mail) and I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and ADD. In other words, if I was a kitten, my mama would’ve eaten me.
I was 22 pounds heavier when I went vegan and my weight seems to have leveled off where it is now with very little effort on my part. The high fiber that tends to go along with a plant based diet helps control my blood sugar levels, and I’ve been able to stop taking iron and vitamin D supplements. That’s right, I no longer need supplements per my doctor after running blood tests.
I’m not one of those “new age” types who believes I can cure everything by eating a plant based diet, nor am I trying to offer medical advice, I’m just stating that the vegan lifestyle is working for me and if you don’t like it, you can suck the vegan filling out of my taco. (ADD moment; a lot of folks argue that oral sex isn’t vegan, but if I’m a vegan, and my partner is a vegan, doesn’t that make sex vegan?)
And now the recipe.
This dip is perfect for carnivorous potlucks as it is loved by all. There are two ways to make it, the way listed here is paleo-friendly if you use soy-free Veganaise and vegan cream “cheese” (and serve with crudites instead of crackers) and has a “meltier” texture more reminiscent of classic spinach dip. I recommend this way if you can find veganaise and vegan cream cheese and if you’re trying to convert non-vegans and/or get laid. If you can’t find veganaise and vegan cream cheese, you can substitute tofu (soft or firm, silken or non-silken, doesn’t matter) with an addition tablespoon of lemon juice and 1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil, for a dip that’s cheaper, higher in protein, and lower in calories without substituting much flavor.
Use the frozen spinach that comes in a bag rather than box, otherwise, you’ll have to drain it. This easily becomes artichoke dip by subbing minced, canned artichoke hearts for the spinach. Two cans would be enough.
Vegan Spinach Dip:
1 16oz bag frozen spinach
1 tub vegan cream cheese
1 cup veganaise
1 tablespoon lemon juice
10 cloves roasted garlic or 3 cloves fresh garlic (I use both, but I really love garlic!)
1 chipotle pepper (optional, but I like heat)
2 tablespoons nutritional yeast (optional, but if you can find it, use it! Makes the dip very cheesy tasting)
generous pinch of cayenne pepper
1 tablespoon sugar or agave necter
1 cup slivered, blanched almonds or slivered water chestnuts (almonds add more nutrients, but the flavor is similar either way)
salt and pepper to taste
Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees. In a microwave safe casserole dish, add spinach, cover with saran wrap, and microwave for three minute. Meanwhile add remaining ingredients except almonds to blender or food processor and blend on high until completely smooth. Add mixture to spinach along with the almonds, salt and pepper and mix well. Place in preheated oven for 30 minutes and enjoy. Tastes even better on day two! Makes approximately 3 cups of dip.
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