A Valentine’s Gift For All Y’all Namby Pamby Bitchwad Dickwits

The number one complaint readers bring to my attention is “why are you always so angry? Why can’t you write about something positive?”

The answer is because most of humanity (I’m using that word loosely here) sucks.

The second most common complaint is “why do you hate on Valentine’s day so much? Is it because you’re single?”

I may have mentioned my disdain for this goddessforsaken holiday once or twice, and I ain’t fittin to reiterate that shit, so the short answer is I hate what mainstream society considers “romance”.

To me, romance is knowing your SO hates flowers, stuffed animals, and jewelry, and would much rather prefer you wash dishes, fold a load of laundry, or scoop the litter box a few days throughout the year, even when it’s not “your turn”.

Or memorizing my Chipotle order, packing me a bowl, starting the coffee pot, just little things that indicate you’ve been paying attention.

But since y’all want me to write about something “positive”, here are ten things I love, in order from least to most:

10 ) That new pussy-friendly bubble bath

9 ) Duct tape

Replace loose sockets?! What, are you made of money? #DuctTape #RedneckRepairs #Redneckognize

Replace loose sockets?! What, are you made of money? #DuctTape #RedneckRepairs #Redneckognize

No insurance, no ace bandage; No problem! Use on ankle socks so they'll slide off easier and you won't have to waste more duct tape when you shower.

No insurance, no ace bandage; No problem! Use on ankle socks so they’ll slide off easier and you won’t have to waste more duct tape when you shower.

Headache? Aspirin's for liberals and Europeans. #DuctTape

Headache? Aspirin’s for liberals and Europeans.
#DuctTape

8 ) Fiscal responsibility in general. There’s nothing sexier than using coupons on a first date. Even if you don’t have your shit together now, it shows you’re planning for the future.

7) Tater tots, wine, hot sauce, and Big Mama’s pickles tied for #7

This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. #Homemade #pickles

This is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. #Homemade #pickles

6) Cheerwine, diet Dr Pepper, and diet coke, tied for #6

5) Jamberry and nail art in general

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4 ) Coffee!!! And bullet journal.

3 ) Cosmetology and writing tied for third.

Write or Dye

2 ) Cannabis *ahem* “alternative shrubbery”.

1 ) Family, whether by blood, or by choice, whether two legged or four, feathered or furry, I couldn’t be more blessed with my tribe 🙂

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me and dad 2

me and craig

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JrJr and Bubba

 buttons

 

Unfucking America; The Adult ADD Guide to Social Justice Activism

They say the first step to recovery is recognizing you have a problem, but if you don’t already know that America is fucked, I can’t help you. Tell whoever is reading this to you that this is not suitable for children and to stop feeding you paint chips.

On to step 2:

Accept that change will be a slow, tedious process of trial and error, and remain patient.

I find this difficult because I have a bad habit of “all-or-nothing thinking”, e.g.; If I don’t have time to finish all the loads of laundry, I’ll most likely put it off for another day and buy some $4 leggings en-route to work instead of just starting a small load of necessities.

As silly as it sounds, it’s a vicious cycle (Ha! “cycle”! Get it? Like laundry cycle? *high fives self*) that (have I mentioned my ADD?) I’ve been in cognitive behavioral therapy for two years to break.

This mindset haunts me in every aspect of my life, including social justice activism, but like my shrink said:

“If you don’t feel well enough to clean the house, then commit to cleaning one side table. If one table feels like too much, then commit to cleaning out your pocketbook. If the pocketbook feels overwhelming, then clean out your wallet, but remind yourself it’s always better to do something, no matter how small, than to do nothing”

Translated to activism:

“If you can’t fly, run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl, but whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward”

-Dr Martin Luther King

Step 3: As a rabid feminist with anger issues and no filter between my brain and mouth, I put fuckboys on blast just for fun; as a white-passing cis-woman, I can be blinded by privilege, and thus cross the fine line between speaking out against oppression, and speaking for the oppressed, so always be willing to listen to criticism from  people with less privilege than you without being defensive.

Stolen without permission from Fat, Loud, and Not Going Away

Stolen without permission from Fat, Loud, and Not Going Away

Stolen without permission from Unpacking The 'F' Word

Stolen without permission from Unpacking The ‘F’ Word

Step 4: Never give up, never be silenced, never keep quiet. You know what they say about well-behaved women? NOTHING! We’ve yet to win a single right by asking nicely. Set fire to the universe until we’re heard!

  • There are plenty more ways to advocate for social justice, and I encourage y’all to add them in the comments, but on account of my ADD and inability to math, four steps are all I can manage 🙂
  • As always, thanks for reading!

TL;DR version:

 

Diabetes Awareness Month; My Advice for The Newly Diagnosed Dia-Bad-Asses

Firstly, I started a beauty blog. Check it out and like my page 🙂

November is diabetes awareness month, but between the election, *sob 😥 * *hits wine box* developing shingles, and running on drag time to begin with, I’m kinda late on this :/

I may have mentioned once or twice how much T1D sucks giant, sweaty donkey balls, but here are a few things I’ve learned since my diagnosis in 1995, a few months before my 12th birthday, that I hope will help my fellow dia-bad-asses 😉

Someone translate this to GED, please and thanks :)

Someone translate this to GED, please and thanks 🙂

1 ) You will be bombarded with demands to “stay positive”. What they’re really saying is “your misfortune is making me uncomfortable”. Optimism doesn’t put the beta cells back, and you don’t owe it to anyone. It’s okay to be angry. Set fire to the world until you’re heard.

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2) Strangers will expect you to educate them. Sometimes it’s out of genuine concern, e.g.; “What are the warning signs of hypoglycemia, and what should I do if you faint?” But most of the time it’s sheer nosiness, e.g.; “Durrrr why are you eating fruit if you’re soooOOOooo ‘diabeetused? Derrr” Tell those fuckwads to google that shit.

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3 )Be prepared for the “maybe this is a blessing in disguise” cult.

Maybe a turd in the litter box is an almond roca in “disguise”. Only one way to find out…

4 ) Don’t compare yourself to celebrities with T1D. They have access to the best doctors and newest technologies, the rest of us live in the real world, which won’t stop kicking your ass just because you had a severe 3 am hypo and have to be at work at 8 am.

5) Upon hearing about your diagnosis, disturbed subhuman individuals will ask if you’ve seen Steel Magnolias.

Respond “just the first half, how does it end?” and watch them squirm.

6 ) I’ve been told I’m so sarcastic, I have to announce when I’m NOT kidding, so I’m being dead ass serious here:

Representation matters, and The Babysitter’s Club kept me sane through middle school. Claudia Kishi was my first love, but Stacy McGill knew my struggle.

Off subject, but are people really surprised to learn that Ann M. Martin is gay? I mean, am I the only one seeing these outfits?!

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As always, thanks for reading, and feel free to contribute to the conversation in the comments 🙂

 

The Myth of Killing with Kindness and The Assholery Behind The Phrase

As a realist, I’m often accused of being brutally honest for simply telling it like it is, so here’s a squirrel in a sweater to shelter y’all namby-pamby bitch ass optimists from today’s truth bomb since I’m so adept at myth busting:

From Facebook page 'Squirrels Make Me Happy'

From Facebook page Squirrels Make Me Happy

Moving right along…

There are only two reasons why anyone would use the phrase “kill them with kindness”;

1 ) Because you’re a coddled prick who’s disconcerted by the concept of being called out on your bullshit, so you demand kindness even when you don’t deserve it.

2 ) You’re a self-important prick who feels entitled to one’s time, attention, and acknowledgement of your glorious presence, so you demand it under the guise of “kindness”, even after the other party has made abundantly clear they’d rather not associate with you.

So what you’re really saying when you offer the ill-conceived tidbit of “just kill your oppressor with kindness” is “Smile while you let that abusive fuckbrained dicksnack walk over you”, and if you’re the one purporting to be killing with kindness, what you’re really doing is forcing yourself on someone who would rather not be bothered with your horse shit.

“But wait! This person was mean to me first, so I’m being kind because it annoys them!”

You have every right to retaliate against an abusive twatwig, but call it what it really is; “killing slowly and painfully with madness-inducing passive-aggressiveness.”

“But this person was a customer at my job, so I have to be nice or I’ll be fired”

I’ve been there, and to a much lesser extent, I’m there now, so I’m not hating on anyone who’s not in a position to fight back. In this case, “killing with kindness” is really “corporate compulsory kindness”, or CCK, and the reason approximately 87% of Colonial Heights residents have been killed by “kindness” in one of my short stories 😉

#Therapy* *In ADDITION to professional help, NOT a substitute!

 

“But what would Jesus do?”

If Jesus can turn water into wine, then he can turn bullshit into weed and smoke it.

“But if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all!”

Key phrase here is DON’T SAY ANYTHING, not “If you don’t have anything nice to say, cloy your opponent to the point of projectile vomiting”, not “if you don’t have anything nice to say, make up shit about them and spread it far and wide until you feel vindicated”, not “If you don’t have anything nice to say, spew a bunch of syrupy saccharine glittery unicorn piss until the one you’re blatantly trying to annoy is visibly distressed”, but “If you don’t have anything nice to say, do. Fucking. NOT! Say anything at all”.

In order for kindness to be a virtue, it must be genuine. If you make a point of chirping “good morning” to your surly coworker until they respond because you get off on their irritation, you’re not being kind, you’re being self serving. A kind gesture would be offering to do something to make their day easier, such as starting a pot of coffee or fetching the mail.

If you’ve been blocked on Facebook, so you “like” and comment shit like “looking good! Hope all is well with you!” on the blocker’s tweets and instagram posts, you’re not being kind, you’re being a creepy stalker. You know damn well your behavior is scary. Especially considering it’s just as easy to unfollow and remain friends as it is to block, kindness would be respecting their wish to be left alone. Maybe a single email to offer an apology, but leave the ball in their court and move on.

To truly carry out an act of kindness, it must be done without expectation of recognition, otherwise, it’s most likely assholery disguised as charity.

As always, thanks for reading, and feel free to share any myths you’d like me to bust in an upcoming post 🙂

TL;DR version:

1 ) The phrase “kill them with kindness” is a tool of oppression used to silence victims or insert yourself into the life of someone who’s done with your shit.

2 ) Don’t be a dick.

3 ) You are never obliged to tolerate dickish behavior.

4 ) If you piss me off, and I respond with silence, then you need to thank whomever the fuck you pray to because that means I’m plotting your death in a short story instead of real life.

Spirit Day, Beauty Blogging, and Brambien (Low Calorie Spiced Cider)

Firstly:

a) It’s #SpiritDay, I’m home from work, which means I didn’t bother to draw on my eyebrows, so here’s a pic of my purple nails instead of a selfie:

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b) Go like and share my business/beauty blog page, High Femme 420!

I’m trying to get better at blogging with consistency, but ADD, health issues, employment, and life tend to get in the way. I’m also discovering I have an “all or nothing” mindset, and thus a bad habit of over-thinking, over-explaining, and over-editing. If I feel a blog post isn’t hilarious, poignant, awe-inspiring, compelling, inspiring, and all those other big fancy ass words the critics use to convey fondness, I say “fuck it” and pour myself a drink instead.

Since I haven’t posted a recipe in a while either, why not share my favorite “nighty-night”?

Like most creative geniuses, (HA!) I suffer from insomnia and rely on prescription sleep aids, which don’t always work well on their own, so when I see the “warning” label “alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication”, I accept it as a challenge.

Challenge. Accepted.

Challenge. Accepted.

It should be noted that I’m not a medical professional in any capacity, but if you’re seeking medical advice on a wordpress site, you’re already fucked. Moving right along…

My sleep aid of choice is Ambien, and nighttime drink of choice is this concoction of hot apple cider, cinnamon tea, brandy, and ambien, which I’ve christened “brambien”.

I love hot cider, but it’s loaded with sugar, and as a T1D, I have to watch my carb intake (I have so many health issues, if I was a kitten, my mama would’ve eaten me).

My solution is to cut the cider with strong brewed cinnamon tea. It’s also more economical, which makes this ideal for holiday parties/potlucks, and cinnamon is naturally sweet, so additional sweeteners are usually unnecessary, but feel free to add a pinch of splenda if needed.

This can easily be made as a single serving for those petflix-n-chill nights with the cats, or a crockpot full for parties or especially rough days, just omit the pills if serving to others.

***Brambien***

per serving:

1/2 cup apple cider (usually found in the produce section this time of year)

1/2 hot water

1 cinnamon tea bag (I use celestial seasonings, apple cinnamon)

pills to taste

slice(s) of orange and/or lemon (optional)

fuckton of brandy (optional, but if using, always add just before serving so the alcohol doesn’t evaporate)

For single serving; heat cider and water in a microwave-safe measuring cup for 3 minutes, add teabag and lemon/orange slices if using, and brew for 3-5 minutes, add booze and enjoy over pills.

For a crockpot full (12ish generous servings); in a large soup pot, heat 1/2 gallon cider and 1/2 gallon water on stove top until boiling, dump in crockpot, and add 10 teabags, and lemon/orange slices if using, and allow to brew on low heat, add brandy just before serving.

 

 

National Coming Out Day 2016

First, I just realized I haven’t written in two months, (fucking ADD) so quick update:

I’m launching a beauty blog soon, so check out High Femme 420, invite your friends, and feel free to send me questions!

I’m trying to build my portfolio, so message me if you’d like to be a victim *ahem* model.

And now on to #NationalComingOutDay #2016:

Been there, done that, here, queer, got the t-shirt.

After the shock of discovering my lesbianism wears off, I’m often asked how my family feels about it, and then met with disbelief when I say they don’t care.

Given that my life is a dramedy/sitcom, I understand why folks expect my experience to be shocking and outrageous, but it was rather uneventful.

They were so relieved I was leaving this dickwad, who was preceded by this dickwad, they didn’t give a flying furry fucksock about me dating chicks.

Then my mom got high on Ambien, and while making 3 am phone calls to procure a chicken coop, (don’t ask) took the initiative of informing the rest of the family that Pumpkin’s a lesbian.

And thank Goddess she did! Otherwise, things could’ve been waaAAAaaayyyy awkward!

So today’s message is for the closeted backwoods youth who don’t feel safe coming out yet;

You are in no way obligated to disclose anything for any reason. Whether it’s an issue of safety, not wanting to be treated differently, or you’re simply not ready to make any announcements, your reasons are valid and you deserve respect.

But there will come a glorious day when you’re loudly and proudly out of the closet, and out of fucks to give, and you’re pimpin’ your cute half-shaved asymmetrical haircut and #RainbowHair all up in the dyke bar,

PM me for an appointment :)

PM me for an appointment 🙂

and you’ll run into that bitch, the bitch who made your life hell in middle school. The one who accused you of flirting with her, (bitch, I’m gay, not blind) and tried to have you beat up. She’ll try to pretend she doesn’t recognize you, oh, but you know she does. You see the terror in her eyes.

Because you were raised right, and you know outing someone is a dicktastic move, you’ll keep it to yourself, but relive the glory every time homegirl posts about how much she loves her doofus husband and bratty ass fuck trophies #soblessed.

As always, thanks for reading, and if you think this is about you, it is 🙂

Diablog Day 7

If I could make the medical profession as a whole understand one thing, it would be that the rest of life doesn’t give a flying furry fuck about your diabetes, as evidenced by the lack of entries between day one and now.

This week has been crazy busy at work, (Not complaining!) I’ve had a weather-induced migraine nearly everyday, Tonya Harding (AKA; my gallbladder) declared war on my stomach AGAIN, I had to take my dog to the vet for a prepuce infection, (i.e.; puppy clap) and my kidney stone(s) has invoked squatters’ rights and thus refuses to vacate the premises.

TL;DR version; This week has been loads of fun!

I’m already multitasking by balancing my glucometer on my lap, taking an injection, and brushing my teeth all during my 30 minute morning piss, (what the babysitter’s club neglected to tell y’all about Stacey is that T1Ds piss A LOT!) so while the task of recording every reading may not seem like a big deal, it’s a pain in the ass, especially when ADHD is thrown in the mix.

squirrel!

Second on the list of things I wish the medical field understood as a whole is that for many of us, our job entails plenty of exercising, so take that into account before you recommend some bullshit like a “brisk walk”. Even under the guise of “exercise reduces stress”, the only way walking “briskly” will reduce my stress is if the walk is to go buy some weed and/or murder.

If I could make the rest of the population understand just one thing, it would be that posting shit like this makes you a cunt:

First thing wrong with this meme is doctors only say this shit to women.

Secondly, if a doctor got up in my grill like that, he’d earn himself an assful of foot.

“I want you to meditate for 20 minutes, twice a day”

I want whoever created this garbage to shove a live porcupine up his ass, but that ain’t gonna happen either.

“Exercise 30 minutes a day”

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

“Avoid processed foods”

COOKING is “processing”. Is this fuckwit recommending a raw pork chop will repair my pancreas?

“Eat plenty organic fruit and veg”

Bullshit. Organic=$$$. And as far as T1D, our bodies don’t give a rat’s ass if our carb intake comes from fruit or cookies. 100 calories of banana has the same effect on blood sugar as 100 calories of cake.

Not saying fruits are bad for us, but the message of this shitacular meme is harmful and misleading.

“Spend more time in nature and less indoors”

Nature wants me dead. Fuck that bitch.

“Stop worrying about things you can’t control”

Oh, you mean like a chronic disease? I can stop worrying about glucose checks and insulin? Funny, because I wasn’t worried about diabetes until my diagnosis, yet I still “caught” it.

“Ditch your TV”

Ditch your… mama’s TV.

Sorry, y’all. I’m tired.

“Come back in three weeks”

It’s officially fuck-this-shit-O’clock.

Thanks for reading, and please feel free to share your frustrations with chronic illness in the comments 🙂