Damn! Damn! Daaaamnnn! Black Jesus and James Evans Sr, when will this twatwaffle pull her grades up, grow some fucking eyebrows and get the fuck over herself?

And yes, Jesus is most definitely black, because if he was white, he would’ve known how to swim and not had to walk across the Sea of Galilee. #YeahISaidIt

As y’all may be aware, my dad’s black, and as I’ve been informed several times, I “don’t look mixed”. Reckon since I’ve never been spotted eating a fried chicken leg and drinking a pumpkin spice latte while river dancing in applebottoms, it’s difficult to ascertain my ethnicity/race.

Genetics are a crap-shoot, and sadly, I don’t have the ass to fill out applebottoms (Target’s “husky” boys size 16 breeches for this flat-assed plus-sized goddess). My ass is so freakishly flat, there’s not even a discernible crack. It’s like a sheet cake of jello back there. Back when I was dating men, whenever they requested anal, I’d tell them to rub their swizzle-stick on a saucer; it’d feel exactly the same. But what I lack in ass, I more than compensate for in wits and tits 🙂

Where was I going with this? Oh, right, how not to be a racist schlong.

So firstly, stop expecting people to look a certain way. Us mixed kids know when you say “OMG! You don’t look black AT ALL!!!” what you really mean is “EEK! Glad I didn’t tell a racist joke or drop the ‘N’ bomb in front of her! Hope she doesn’t pop a cap in my ass!”.

As a white-passing mixed kid, I get to witness racism from all angles; from the white folks who feel safe confiding in me their hatred, to my ex’s father who refused to attend our wedding because my dad’s black, and every fuckboy in between who felt the need to mansplain the “true definition” of the ‘N’ word, so inspired by Ms Fisher’s fuckery, based on my personal experience, and taking into account my own white-privilege, here are a few things white and white-passing people need to stop saying:

1) Any variation of “Racism goes both ways” or “White people experience discrimination too”.

Bitch, I was raised in a black baptist church in Surry County Virginia, my mom’s white, and my dad’s “one of the good ones” (whatever the fuck that means) so don’t you fucking DARE whitesplain light discrimination to me! Not TAH-day, motherfucker!

I understand there are black people who hate white people (mostly on account of toxic Christianity, but that’s a whoooole ‘notha post), but outside of church, I was in no way affected by it.

2) “But black people get to joke on white people!!!”

*Deep breaths*

This is the type of ignorance regurgitated by white folks desperate to be victims. If you honestly can’t see the difference between “Haha, white people like Bon Jovi and wear Northface jackets” and likening fellow human beings to shit, then the only advice I have for you is try not to burn the whole trailer park down when you’re playing with matches.

3) “You only care about *insert unarmed person of color murdered by police here* because they’re black!” or “You only voted for *insert qualified democrat here* because they’re black”.

Systematic racism aside, the people saying this shit are the same ones who believe President Obama was only elected because he’s black, but when it comes it comes to casting a white actor to play one of history’s most iconic black civil rights leaders, they suddenly give a fuck about “content of character”. I would raze these cousin-fuckers further, but they’re still outraged because there were no white people cast in The Wiz, so I’ll let them get back to crying in their Panera bread bowls.

4) “You can’t get upset when someone says something racist because you don’t look black!”

Holy. Fucking. Big Mama’s coffee can of bacon grease, pardon the whiteness in the next phrase, but I can’t even.

Not being racist is literally (more whiteness emerging) the bare minimum of what it takes to be a decent human. If you come to my place of employment whining about “the ghetto girls” you work with, and their “two different colors of weave”, I’m gonna gently remind you that you’re using a groupon to pay for your two different colors of highlights. I’m broke as fuck, but principles trump cash. I’d rather get no tip than have that cunt think for one second that what she said was okay.

5)  “I can’t be racist; my significant other is black!”

Google Strom Thurmond, and then get back to me on that one.

6) “I can’t be racist because I have mixed kids!”

See #5.

7) “But Chris Rock sai…”

I’m gonna stop you right there. One black person whose opinions confirm your racial bias doesn’t speak for all black people. Turn off Glen Beck, sip some Mountain Dew out of your monogrammed camo tervis, and search your old lady for ticks.

8) “I don’t see color!”

Translation; “I refuse to acknowledge any discrimination faced by people of color, nor my role in systematic racism, and am threatened by all things challenging to my privilege. Also, it’s totes not fair I can’t say the ‘n’ word when my vocabulary is already severely limited. Oh, and has anyone seen the new field & stream?”

9) “Why is it okay to have black pride, but not white pride?!”

Not okay to have white pride?! Could’ve fooled me at the Irish festival where entire streets are shut down so white people can drink green beer at 11 am. Or October fest where entire streets are shut down so white people can drink beer at 11 am and wear shorts in 40 degree weather. Or the Celtic festival where streets are shut down so white people can throw logs… and drink beer at 11 am. Or the Renaissance Fair where white dudes wear pantyhose and pretend not to like it… and drink beer at 11 am.  And how many black folks are expected to show up to a polar plunge? Give me a fucking break!

10) “Okay, but you have to let some of this shit go!”

No I fucking do not.







3 thoughts on “#StayMadAbby

  1. Pingback: White Church Christmas Pageant Vs Black Church Christmas Pageant | hummuscidalmaniac

  2. Pingback: Ten Most Willfully Ignorant Fuckwitted Dickwads of 2015 | hummuscidalmaniac

  3. Pingback: Wooden Family Christmas Newsletter 2016 and Photo Dump | hummuscidalmaniac

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