Proper Cooter Diddler Manicure

Firstly: Mom, Grandma, Aunt Tina, too many cousins to name, stop reading now!




In case y’all we wondering, yes, this post was inspired this:

I fucking love that lady! Anywho, moving right along…

Us fems have a bit of a dilemma; we want to try all the cool nail trends on instagram, but we don’t want to shred our partner’s tender vittles. How can we achieve fly nails that are also cooter friendly? Fret not, for your angry lesbian fairy godmother is here!

First the bad news; acrylics are out, as they trap bacteria between the natural nail and the fake nail which can wreak havoc in the hot pocket. Sorry, no “bubble nails” either *shudders*

Is this “trend” actually a thing? Seriously, what the fuck are those?!

NOOOOOOOO!!!! Make it stop!!!

For fuck’s sake!!!

You also want to avoid anything long, pointy, jagged, or too square as they may cause cuts to the taco (or the other hot pocket, if you’re into that type of thing) which can lead to infections. No decals or rhinestones either as these can become dislodged (save them for your toes, they’ll last longer), so tragically, these kick ass styles are out, but you can still admire their beauty:

No #CoffinNails for us cooter diddlers 😦 *sigh*

No #Talons either 😦

Now the good news; DIY nails save time, money, and cooters!

You’ll want to start by washing your hands, add about half a teaspoon of sugar or salt with the soap to exfoliate; nobody likes rough hands on their junk! Now dry, apply hand lotion (I use coconut oil, cheaper and smells great!), and gather your supplies:

Back row, left to right: cuticle oil, Sally Hanson tough as wraps, American Classics Gelous, Sally Hanson instant cuticle remover, acetone.

Front row, left to right: orange wood cuticle stick, crystal nail file, fingernail clippers, cuticle nippers, cotton pads

Now remove old polish. Cotton pads are more efficient than balls (gigity) so you’ll need less acetone. I prefer acetone to traditional polish remover because it’s better at removing the tough bits that stick around the perimeter of the nail bed and glitter. It does dry your nails out, but the cuticle oil will take care of that. If you’re on a watch list and don’t feel comfortable buying pure acetone, regular polish remover should work.

Next squeeze cuticle remover onto the skin surrounding your nails like so:

Brand doesn’t matter, as long as it’s labeled “dissolvant”. I worked as a nail tech at a wannabe highfalutin spa, and I can assure you they’re all the same.

The cuticle gel takes a minute to work, so in the meantime, trim your nails to fingertip length, and file to smooth and round out edges. I use crystal-style files because they last longer, are gentler on your nails, can be cleaned in the dishwasher, and can double as a cuticle pusher for those stubborn bits that won’t budge.

Now using the orange wood stick or cuticle pusher, gently push back cuticle. Use the cuticle nippers on hangnails ONLY! Do NOT trim your cuticles! Doing so invites all sorts of funk to fester and spread.

You may have noticed I don’t advise soaking your nails, that’s because water is cryptonite to polish; it causes the nail to swell, and then shrink as the water dissipates, causing the polish to chip and peel. Do not bathe or shower for at least an hour before and after your manicure, however, it’s a good idea to keep a cuticle pusher or crystal file in the shower and push back your cuticles at least twice a week. This will prevent dry and cracking skin from building up around your nails.

Wipe off cuticle gel and swipe each nail with either acetone or rubbing alcohol to remove excess oils that’ll prevent your polish from adhering properly.

Now you’re ready for a base coat. I keep two in my kit; the Sally Hanson for when I only plan on wearing my polish for a couple days, and Gelous for when I need it to last 5-7 days. Both double as a top coat. Apply a thin layer, carefully avoiding the skin as this will cause peeling, and allow to dry at least three minutes. Orange wood sticks or toothpicks dipped in acetone will help remove excess polish.

While base coat is drying, pick your color:

I may have a problem…

I swear, I spend more time picking a color than deciding on a tattoo!

Now apply 2-3 ultra thin coats of polish, allowing at least 2 minutes to dry between coats (the wait time can be used to clean edges with orange wood stick). Thick coats look good, but chip almost immediately. For short nails, your brush should look like this:

Add a topcoat, then apply a generous drop of cuticle oil to each nail. Again, brand doesn’t matter; you could even spray on nonstick cooking spray. The point of this step is to re-hydrate cuticles, and prevent smudges.

Sit still for ten minutes and you’re all done 🙂


One thought on “Proper Cooter Diddler Manicure

  1. Pingback: A Valentine’s Gift For All Y’all Namby Pamby Bitchwad Dickwits | hummuscidalmaniac

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