By now you’ve heard of the fuckery of poptwat Arriana Venti, who bravely licked doughnuts, (which were later served to the unsuspecting public) in an effort to save us all from the scourge of obesity, and followed up with this half ass “apology” (spelling and grammar errors left intact):
“I am EXTREMELY proud to be an American and I’ve always made it clear that I love my county. What I said in a private moment with my friend, who was buying the donuts, was taken out of context and I am sorry for not using more discretion with my choice of words. As an advocate for healthy eating, food is very important to me and I sometimes get upset by how freely we as Americans eat and consume things without giving any thought to the consequences that it has on our health and society as a whole. The fact that the United States has the highest child obesity rate in the world frustrates me. We need to do more to educate ourselves and our children about the dangers of overeating and the poison that we put into our bodies. We need to demand more from our food industry. However I should of known better in how I expressed myself; and with my new responsibility to others as a public figure I will strive to be better. As for why I cannot be at the MLB show, I have had emergency oral surgery and due to recovery I cannot attend the show. I hope to make it up to all those fans soon. That being said let me once again apologize if I have offended anyone with my poor choice of words.”
In other words, this fuckstain feels entitled to vandalizing property, contaminating food supplies with goddess knows what sort of funks are festering in her dickhole, and insulting a country which she has the means to leave, in the name of combating childhood obesity.
Because she was forced into that doughnut shop against her will? Because she doesn’t have millions of dollars and the influence to make healthy food more accessible? Because us Americans confuse apples with doughnuts and don’t know what the fuck we’re eating? Bitch, please.
I hate America and Americans too for making fuckwits like her famous.
Now that that’s out of my system, on to rant two, this fucker:
If you’re looking to buy a washing machine, do your mental health a favor and don’t buy a fucking Samsung!
Everything about its design is just wrong. Even considering I’m 5′ tall, this thing is freakishly deep and fishing for your clothes at the bottom is backbreaking.
That is IF your clothes ever even get clean.
It has ONE job; agitate. I add the soap, bleach, and softener, I separate the laundry, all it has to do is fucking spin, but nooOOOooooo! That’s too much to ask.
Every fifteen minutes, this bitch starts crying “Waaahhhh! Uneven load! Waaahhhh!” and I have to stop what I’m doing, coddle a fucking appliance, rearrange the clothes, and then start all over again! It doesn’t just pick up where it left off spinning, it fucking refills with water and starts the entire process over! Sometimes it takes days to finish a single load! This not only wastes water and electricity, but in the summer, it doesn’t take long for things to get mildewy, so then I have to add more bleach and vinegar, only to have a load of laundry, four days later reeking of bleach, vinegar, and mildew.
Basically, if my ex were an appliance, he would be this washer; big, loud, expensive, needy, stinky, killjoy, and a waste of time and space.
I understand there are some lucky souls out there who can get away with wearing their clothes a few times without washing, but I’m not one of them. I constantly sweat like a pedophile who just met Chris Hansen and I need to do laundry daily. Save me the lecture on the environment; in this case, Mother Nature fucked me first and I feel zero guilt for not wanting to smell like day old onion dip.
I also understand the warranty’s expired, but if I save just one person from the indignity of crying in your underwear at 1 am because you haven’t showered in 3 days because you’re still waiting for your towels to get clean, then the 20 minutes it took to write this blog post was worth it.
Though the stupid ass song it plays once your clothes are finally clean is much less insufferable than any of Arriana’s larynx diarrhea, your money would be better spent paying Spongy to wash your laundry.
Completely off topic, but King of The Hill desperately needs a reboot with Bobby and Kahn Jr grown up and raising Kahn III (Kahn of the Hill?). I know a writer who could help with that 😉
As always, thanks for reading, and if you have a product you’d like reviewed, feel free to contact me 🙂