Ten Joemandments of Dirtianity

My upcoming breakout novel was inspired by two things;

1) A challenge presented to me in 2010 to write a full length novel incorporating characters named “Kitty Ford” who’s a librarian (later changed to “Shackleford”) and Delores Carhardt,who’s a mechanic, cats, the Amish (changed to snake handlers because I’m great at following directions), and a minimum of 1000 ‘F’ bombs (that was the easy part!)

2) Joe Dirt. Seriously.

 

We’ve all seen these stupid ass smarmy posters:

                        “ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN”

by Robert Fulghum

Most of what I really need
To know about how to live
And what to do and how to be
I learned in kindergarten.
Wisdom was not at the top
Of the graduate school mountain,
But there in the sandpile at Sunday school.

These are the things I learned:

Share everything.
Play fair.
Don’t hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don’t take things that aren’t yours.
Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush.
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life –
Learn some and think some
And draw and paint and sing and dance
And play and work everyday some.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out into the world,
Watch out for traffic,
Hold hands and stick together.
Be aware of wonder.

Bullshit. Everything you need to know can be learned from watching Joe Dirt, which is why I’m starting a religion based on the teachings of Joe Dirt. My followers shall be called “Dirtians” and these are the Joemandments.

 joe dirt ncstatelol - Joemandment #10 Remember the Hemi and keep her legally parked.

im joe dirt  - Joemandment #9 Thou shalt not sayeth thou liketh having hot dogs thrown at thou if thoust prefereth not to have hot dogs thrown at thou

Joe Dirte and Kickin wing - Joemandment #8 Thou shalt neither buy nor sell shitty fireworks.

joe dirts sister - Joemandment #7 Ifeth thou fornicates with thoust own see-steer, thou shalt make mention to no one.

joe dirts parents - Joemandment #6 Honor thy mother and thy father if they are honorable, otherwise, thou shalt make note that thou was not left, for thoust left them.

Kyle likes to see homos naked - Joemandment #5 Home is where thoust maketh it.

Kyle likes to see homos naked - Joemandment #4 ifeth thou liketh to see homos naked, it's cool.

 joe dirt fantasy football - Joemandment #3 Thou shalt be a good person no matter what, lest thou haveth the poo on thou.

joe dirt what - Joemandment #2 thou mustn't haveth no in thoust heart.

Joe Dirt gets his Hemi back - Joemandment #1 Thou mustn't fear change, for life is but a garden; dig it.

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4 thoughts on “Ten Joemandments of Dirtianity

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