My upcoming breakout novel was inspired by two things;
1) A challenge presented to me in 2010 to write a full length novel incorporating characters named “Kitty Ford” who’s a librarian (later changed to “Shackleford”) and Delores Carhardt,who’s a mechanic, cats, the Amish (changed to snake handlers because I’m great at following directions), and a minimum of 1000 ‘F’ bombs (that was the easy part!)
2) Joe Dirt. Seriously.
We’ve all seen these stupid ass smarmy posters:
“ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN”
by Robert Fulghum
Most of what I really need
To know about how to live
And what to do and how to be
I learned in kindergarten.
Wisdom was not at the top
Of the graduate school mountain,
But there in the sandpile at Sunday school.
These are the things I learned:
Don’t hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don’t take things that aren’t yours.
Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life –
Learn some and think some
And draw and paint and sing and dance
And play and work everyday some.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out into the world,
Watch out for traffic,
Hold hands and stick together.
Be aware of wonder.
Bullshit. Everything you need to know can be learned from watching Joe Dirt, which is why I’m starting a religion based on the teachings of Joe Dirt. My followers shall be called “Dirtians” and these are the Joemandments.