I’ve written on my disdain of this godforsaken holiday before, but this year it seems people are really depressed about being single on Valentine’s day. Here’s a list of reasons to be happy you’re single today 🙂
1) Even if you had a significant other, this day would probably still be a huge disappointment. For example, the first V-day I had a boyfriend, I thought he’d “plan something” (I was only 19, give me a break!), I met him at his work on his lunch break and brought homemade lasagna, we exchanged cards, and then we each went back to work. When I got off work at 7 pm, I called him to see what he had “planned” and he said “Ummmm…. derrrrrr…. didn’t we already have lunch? It’s getting too late to do anything”. Too late?! It was 7 pm! Subsequent V-days with him somehow managed to be even bigger disappointments.
2) You have no one to judge you for being a complete slob today (or any other day)! Own your train wreck life on the hot mess express! It has been my experience that when I’m coupled up, I have to occasionally practice hygiene and wear pants, but as a single lady, I can stay in my footy pajamas, drink wine straight out the box, smoke til I forget I exist, cry and watch Lifetime movies with my cats while eating a pallet of Cap’n Crunch with nobody to stare at me disapprovingly and ask if I plan on doing anything “productive”.
3) Love songs are just ridonkulous. Especially anything by Brian Adams. If you can “see the unborn children in her eyes” it doesn’t mean you love her, it means you have bad aim.
4) Being in a relationship is expensive! Take the money you’d spend on a V-day gift for someone else and buy yourself something. I took myself on a chipotle date this morning 🙂
5) Sexy lingerie is just stupid. Really, what is so sexy about creating a bridge between your asshole and your hot pocket with some fancy fabric? There’s a reason our mamas taught us to wipe front to back and when you wear a thong, ass germs are hopping on and sliding into the front wreaking all sorts of havoc. Guess what? If you’re a single lady like me, no one’s expecting you to wear that shit!
6) How often is it that a couple agrees on the same type of music? If I never hear another Conway Twitty, Johnny Cash, Nickleback, or Gretchen Wilson song again, I’ll die happy. I’m too cheap to actually buy music, but right now, I’m listening to my heart’s content of Heart, Queen, Salt-N-Peppa, Green Day, Dixie Chicks, Boy George, and Cyndi Lauper on Youtube. Unfortunately, there’s no Prince on youtube, or I’d be blasting Sexy Motherfucker right now.
Thank you for reading and enjoy the rest of your day as the sexy motherfucking god(dess) you are 🙂