Fuck Abstinence! (Vegan Chocolate Pie)

By now you’ve heard of the twatwafflery of Pam Stenzel and you’re ready to fuck a stranger unprotected so you can get an abortion and mail her the fetus.

In case you missed it, here are a few highlights from her recent “motivational” speech at a West Virginia PUBLIC high school:

1) “If you take birth control, your mother probably hates you”. (Um, no. My mom hated the idea of me getting pregnant in high school.)

2) “I could look at any one of you in the eyes right now and tell if you’re going to be promiscuous” (Can you teach me how to do this so I can quit wasting time?)

3) “God created sex with boundaries to protect us and our marriage” (I don’t need God’s permission to fuck. If she doesn’t want me fucking until I’m married then she should wait until I’m married before giving me a vagina and the accouterments surrounding.)

Stenzel also uses the phrase “sexual purity” a lot and sings the praises of virginity and abstinence until marriage.

What a fucking douche baguette!

If there was ever a phrase that needed to be removed from the vernacular, it’s “sexual purity”.

What is that even supposed to mean? As long as I only fuck within the confines of marriage then I get to wear my badge of purity? Fuck that! (pun intended)

Encouraging young folks to “wait until marriage” is really encouraging them to engage in unprotected oral and anal sex until they turn 18 and can legally marry the first person who gives them that tingle-y feeling in the tender vittles.

I also just love how the abstinence only “educators” say things like “there is no condom that will protect your heart”. Good, because I only need it to protect my junk!

Rant over, time for pie 🙂

Vegan Chocolate Pie:

1/3 box vegan graham crackers (Nabisco brand in the red box is vegan) or about 40 Oreos (Oreos are best with the peanut butter variation), crushed in food processor or in a Ziploc with the back of a skillet

1/2 stick Earth Balance, melted

1 bag vegan chocolate chips (I uses Ghirradelli semi-sweet)

1 box firm or extra firm tofu (I use silken, but it doesn’t make much difference, no need to drain)

2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil

2-4 tablespoons non-dairy milk

1 tablespoon vanilla extract

1 teaspoon almond extract

1/2 teaspoon salt

2 tablespoons brandy or Jack Daniels (optional)

2-4 tablespoons sugar or agave nectar (I only use 2, but I don’t care for much sugar, my family of junk food lovers enjoy it with the lesser amount, but the beauty of vegan cooking is that you can taste as you go along 🙂 )

Mix crumbs and Earth Balance in pie pan and pat down to form a crust. Place crust in freezer, meanwhile, melt chocolate chips in a microwave safe bowl in the microwave for 20 second increments (stir with a rubber spatula at each increment) until smooth, add melted chocolate and remaining ingredients to blender and blend until smooth and pudding-y. Pour into pie crust and let chill for one hour.

For chocolate peanut butter pie, replace 1 cup of chocolate chips with 1 cup (about 1/2 jar) natural peanut butter.

For chocolate coconut pie, replace 1 cup chocolate chips with 1 1/2 cups shredded coconut and one packet Jello brand instant coconut pudding mix.

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Dating Advice For Straight Guys Part 3; Dealing With A Madonna/Whore Complex & Vegan Peanut Butter Cups

If you’re new here, first check out this and this. Thanks!

Here’s something else about dating advice books/articles aimed at women that annoys the fuck out of me (I know I’ve mentioned it before, but this issue really needs its own post), they always purport that if a man is “into you” then he’ll try to fuck you, however, if you fuck him too soon, then he’ll lose respect for you.

Hold. The fuck. up. (pun intended)

If you are willing to sleep with someone on the first date (or even the first time you meet them), then you do not have the right to lose respect for them! Why is always up to women to be the maintainers of chastity? Fuck that! (again, pun intended)

I’m sick of hearing my friends say things like “He never called me back, I must have slept with him too soon” or “I want to have sex, but we’ve only been on two dates and I don’t want to complicate things”. There is no magical time frame in which fucking may commence without complications. If you want to fuck and they want to fuck, then fucking fuck!

The issue of men losing respect for women who “put out” too soon is the result of a society that worships female virginity.

In every teen romance movie, the “good” girl always wins the guy by virtue of her sexual inexperience,  pop stars Brittany Spears and Jessica Simpson were once considered role models just because they were virgins (a) everyone was a virgin at some point in their life, b) we all see how well that turned out), and these days we have Taylor Swift perpetuating the Madonna/whore complex.

But this fucked up society in which we live is no excuse to be an asshole. Take some goddamned responsibility! You are not entitled to marry a “virtuous” woman, nor are you entitled to sex with a not so virtuous woman. If you want a virgin then you not only better be a virgin too, but you better not even try to fuck until you’ve reached the arbitrary date you have set in your mind in which fucking may take place.

If you don’t necessarily want a virgin, but you feel that you have a right to lose respect for a woman for doing the same fucking thing that you’re doing, then you are too stupid to be alive, much less date. You are a burden on society and you need to get help.

And because this is vegan recipe blog and I haven’t published a recipe in a while, (have I mentioned my A.D.D.?) here’s a recipe for vegan peanut butter cups. You’ll never eat Reese’s cups again!

You will need a mini cupcake pan and 24 mini cupcake liners for this recipe. I’m sure a regular sized pan would work too, but remember; mini = no calories 🙂

Vegan Peanut Butter Cups:

1/3 box graham crackers, (crush the graham crackers in food processor, blender or in a zip-lock with the back of a skillet until they resemble coarse sand)  (Nabisco brand in the red box is vegan)

1 cup (about half a jar) natural, no sugar added, peanut butter (I use Smuckers, or Martin’s store brands)

2 tablespoons liquid sweetener (I use molasses or agave nectar)

1/2 teaspoon salt

one bag vegan chocolate chips (I use Ghiradelli)

In a medium sized mixing bowl, add first four ingredients and mix with your hands (coating your hands with vegetable oil makes this easier) until mixture resembles a cow patty (sorry, I don’t know how else to describe the filling:/), refrigerate for at least one hour and up to three days.  After filling has cooled, line cupcake pan with liners and set aside and melt chocolate chips, drop about 1 teaspoon of chocolate into bottom of liners, followed by about 2 teaspoons filling and then top with enough chocolate to coat. Allow to cool at room temperature for about 30 minutes or until chocolate is solid.

Dating Advice For Straight Guys Part 2: Being Clear About Your Intentions.

I’ve written before about how there are hundreds of dating books for women, but none for men. My theory is that men just don’t want to be seen seeking dating advice, so out of the kindness of my heart, I’m providing it free of charge via my blog so nobody has to know. You’re welcome.

Exhibit A,

“Someone please explain this to me:
Scenario: Guy meets girl through friends, guy and girl like each other. They talk and go on a couple of group dates for about a month. All the guy’s friends say he is a “nice guy” who is looking for a relationship. Guy posts lots of Facebook stuff about how he is in it for the long haul, but just can’t find the right girl. Guy and girl have sex. Guy doesn’t seem as interested, then texts girl “we are just friends right now right?” when girl gets pissed and says no, guy says “Oh I thought I said I was just looking for “good friends” right now. Maybe it will be more later, but not right now.” Girl says “no thanks, we both know that being “good friends” will not lead to anything more.” Guy says “you never know. but if you wanna its up to you.” Guy then posts on facebook about girls won’t ever give a “nice guy” like him a chance.

WTF? Can someone please explain this to me?”

– “Liz”

If this was a typical article about dating directed at women, the author would proceed to chastise Liz for sleeping with the douche in question (After only one month!!! What a whore!!!), say that she should have never assumed that they were in a relationship, that she shouldn’t have been “rude” when she texted him back, blah blah blah, basically, women are stupid sluts and he’s not that into you, move on.

Fortunately for Liz, she found me instead of some misogynistic, self important,  twatwaffle who gives one size fits all advice (because everyone knows that all men think exactly the same way) and puts all the blame for relationships gone wrong on women, *cough* Greg Berendt *cough* *ahem*

First of all guys, if you have to state that you are indeed a “nice guy”, that tells me that you expect something in return for you kindness, which in turn makes you a bad guy.

When you say “I’m a nice guy”, what you’re really saying is “You owe me sex because I have no intentions of raping you”.

Second, if you actually feel the need to have your friends talk you up, rest assured that you are a douche. If you were really a “nice guy”, your friends would already be willing to help a brotha out.

Third, ALWAYS be clear about your intentions! Don’t be posting shit on Facebook about being in it “for the long haul” if that’s not what you want.

Contrary to popular belief, not all women are seeking a commitment, so if you just want to hit it and quit it, then fucking say it! There are plenty of women who only want to fuck as well. At the very least, you owe someone an opportunity to walk away if you don’t want a relationship.

The fuckstick in this scenario had a whole fucking month in which to decide if Liz was someone he wanted to date or not, if he had determined that she was just not the right girl, then he shouldn’t have slept with her. Period. He used her, and there is a special place in Hell for pricks like him.

This douchecanoe knew damn well when he sent that text that Liz was not “cool” with being just friends. He just wanted to put the onus on her for “not giving him a chance”. And then this hot, oozing, infected, herpes blister of a human had the audacity to not only attempt time travel and claim that he only ever wanted a “good friend”, but then whined on Facebook about girls not giving “nice guys” like him a chance?!

Aw haaaayall to the motherfucking naw!!!

Assholes like this are what keep shows like Snapped and Deadly Women supplied with material.

But sometimes, even though you got rid of a huge asshole, it still hurts.

I’m no shrink, but there are times when the only thing you can do is eat cake until you puke, drink until it stops hurting, smoke weed until you’re not sure that you exist, and then eat some more cake. 🙂

Thanks for reading and please keep the stories of douchiness coming via message at my page, The Hummuscidal Maniac

Fat Shaming Epidemic Part 4; Why Us Vegans Need To Get Over Ourselves.

In case you missed it, please check out this, this, and this.

Thanks.

Okay, moving right along, I’ll be the first to admit that I feel delightfully smug at functions where I’m the only one eating vegan and I feel quite virtuous when I think about the global impact veganism has on the world, I also enjoy torturing my carnivorous family members by putting notes on their lunches like these:

 I’m also quick to share photos of slaughter houses on Facebook in the hopes that someone will realize the horrors of the meat/dairy/egg industry and change their ways, but  the thing to remember is that the number one goal of veganism is compassion and shaming people who don’t eat the way we do is not compassionate.

Judging people and insisting that the government ban junk food is not compassionate.

True, some people (like my family) are carnivores because they are just set in their ways and not willing to give it a try or hear me out (which is why I feel justified in leaving notes on their sandwiches) but for many people, eating vegan (or even healthy) is just not an option due to poverty.

There are wonderful books out there on eating healthy/vegan on a budget, and I highly recommend Eat Vegan On $4 a Day by Ellen Jaffe Jones, but what Jones and other authors of such books don’t take into account are that:

 a) Yes, you can follow the menu plans in the book and eat healthy, vegan meals for $4 a day, BUT the net cost of all the items needed to prepare the recipes will cost more than $28 a week.

b) Yes, it’s possible to buy a weeks worth of groceries for $4 per day, per person, but you have to REALLY like, plain oatmeal made with water, peanut butter (store brand, with added sugars and hydrogenated fats) and jelly sandwiches (on store brand white bread) and beans and rice!

c) Most recipes are time consuming and most people who are forced to eat on $4 a day (the amount the average food-stamp recipient receives) are also working full time at multiple jobs and/or caring for kids.

d) Many of these books recommend buying in bulk to save money. While it’s true that buying in bulk does usually cost less in the long run, if you are given $28 a week for food, and spend $12 on a 20lb bag of beans, $6-$8 on a 10lb bag of fruit, $5 on a 10lb bag of potatoes, that leaves only a few dollars left to spend on items needed to make those basics into meals.

For example, my dear friend *Hannah, (*not her real name) got married a while back and found out she was pregnant soon thereafter. As she did not have health insurance and she and her husband do not make a lot of money, she signed up for assistance from W.I.C..

It’s easy for someone who has never been poor to say things like “That’s no excuse! You don’t have to buy junk just because you’re on *insert government program here*! You can buy whole grain bread and produce!”

Contrary to popular belief, W.I.C. does not cover the most healthy items (it’s usually fruit juices, white carbs, full fat meats and dairy), nor do they cover things like candy bars, beer, cigarettes or soda (save it, teabaggers, I can’t understand your e-mails anyway).

Here’s a statement from Hannah*:

“from W.I.C. we get 1 can of formula, milk, frozen juice, bread, cheese, cereal, beans, eggs and peanut butter twice a month. They also give us a $5 voucher for fruit and veggies. Everything is store brand and the most basic of things….the cereal for example is very plain….toasted corn crisps etc. We normally go shopping maybe twice a month. Before I was preggo, I was buying whole wheat pitas and flatbreads, Greek yogurt, Morningstar breakfast biscuits, Hebrew national hot dogs, whole wheat hamburger and hot dog buns, sweet potatoes fries, whole potatoes, 100 cal packs of cookies and snacks like cheez-its, 93%  lean meat, lettuce, tomatoes, almonds and pistachios, cucumbers, Fuze and Propel water, and onions.

For work I would take healthy choice or smart ones frozen meals. I would also go to tropical smoothie for wraps and smoothies. Don’t get me wrong, we still got some junky stuff…bacon, ice cream etc but for the most part it was the light ice cream or turkey bacon that kind of thing. Now that we are cut down to one income we really can only afford the regular bacon or regular hamburger meat, The hot dogs made of every part of the damn animal! lol. When we get chips or cookies we have to buy store brand stuff. Especially with chips I used to buy all the baked lays stuff and so on. Instead of a frozen meal for lunch it has been the $1 tostino pizzas or ramen noodles or yucky banquet meals because they are a buck a pop. Not just because of the money but also prep time. The baby doesn’t give me time to actually prepare food or even make a sandwich for that matter. It has to be simple fast things. a normal day for me is yogurt and a bagel in the morning. Lunch is now a hot pocket or small frozen pizza, If I am lucky a baked potato, but again it took me 2.5 hours the other day to eat said potato. lunch has been just chips….dinner is another meal we normally don’t have time to really cook with her [the baby] being so little so it is normally something boxed and cheap like hamburger helper. I bought the complete eats meals last time because they were $2 a piece at the store but meat that has so many preservatives that can sit on a shelf and not be refrigerated kinda scares me……..I just know we ate way more fresh stuff [before the baby]. I love splenda..or truvia..may not be the best for me but it is so expensive when I could just buy sugar for half the price and make some kool aid.”

“Hanna” also endures dirty looks from other shoppers when she pays for her groceries with W.I.C. checks and when she started supplementing her breast milk with formula as she was not producing enough milk to keep her baby fed, W.I.C. employees accused her of “not trying hard enough”.

Sadly, “Hannah’s” story is far from uncommon.

I encourage everyone who thinks that healthy eating  on a budget is easy to follow Cory Booker’s lead and sign up for this and then report back to me in one week and let me know how that worked out for you.

I participated in the hunger challenge last year, and I wasn’t expecting to get much out of it because I consider myself to be very empathetic, but this was a real eye opener.

I lasted less than three days because of a hypoglycemic episode which forced me to spend $1.49 on a soda at 7-11 thus putting me over my budget.

But what if I really didn’t have that $1.49?

I was driving at the time, if I didn’t stop for that soda, I could have wrecked and killed somebody!

After that experience, I will never bemoan shopping for groceries on the first of the month again.

If you really want to help, instead of belittling people for not eating vegan, do your part to make vegan foods more accessible by donating healthy, vegan items to food banks and homeless shelters, donating to Have Heart,  and if you sell produce at a farmers market, sign up to accept food-stamps.

And if you want to continue judging people for being poor,  making bad food choices, or being fat, just remember that Karma is indeed a bitch.

Fat Shaming Epidemic Part 3, “Getting To Your Happy Weight” And Why I Hate That Fucking Phrase.

Anyone who has ever flipped through a women’s magazine has seen an article about some “amazing new diet developed by ‘researchers’ at *insert Ivy League school here* that will get you to your ‘happy weight‘”.

I wasn’t aware that my weight was relative to my happiness.

When I go on motorcycle rides with my dad, I don’t look out at the scenic mountain views and think to myself  “boy, these mountains would be waaay more majestic if only I was fifty pounds lighter”.

When I’m reading to my nephews, I’m not thinking “Goodnight Moon would be much less monotonous if only I could lose weight”

I have a hard time believing that my friends and dear readers are thinking to themselves “Wow, Nikki would be an absolute riot if only she were skinny, but I just can’t laugh at a fat chick’s jokes”

In other words, weight and happiness are mutually exclusive. For example, say you’re 100 lbs overweight, and this excessive weight is causing you to experience back pain and fatigue, so you decide to lose the weight; Your back pain and fatigue may go away but if your significant other is an asshole and your kids are brats and you hate your job, you can lose all the weight in the world, but those issues will persist.

Some argue that weight loss will lead to increased self esteem.

I’m no shrink, and I have no medical training whatsoever, but from personal experience and observation, if you hate yourself fat then you’re going to hate yourself skinny too.

I’m not saying that nobody should ever try to lose weight, just do it for the right reasons, not because you think your spouse will treat you better or you’ll finally get that promotion, but because it’s something that YOU want.

And don’t get me started on all the things wrong with this cover:

Emmy Rossum - Self Magazine Cover [United States] (February 2013)

Too late, I’m started.  Bar snacks that fill you up not out? Seriously?! Who goes to a bar in search of low calorie snacks? When I go to a bar it’s because I want to get FUUUCKED up! And how in the fuck can they put in bold print “Tight abs, Lean legs, cute butt” and then at the bottom, “Own it! Body confidence! How to play up your sexiest features!”?

What they’re really saying is “How to show off your pretty face while hiding your disgusting roll-y poll-y body!”

Seriously, don’t get me started on how much fat chicks hate hearing “you have such a pretty face”! I also have a nice rack, fuckwad. A simple “you’re pretty” will suffice, because when you narrow your compliment down to the face, you’re really saying “you have a nice face despite all your fat”. But I digress, anywho,

Why are there never articles of this nature in men’s magazines? Because men are not taught that weight is relative to happiness. There may be articles on how to “get ripped” or “lose a beer gut” but men’s magazines never suggest that losing weight is the secret to happiness, just that if you want to look better, here’s how whereas in women’s magazines the message is more like “Of course you want to lose weight, you’re a woman! Duh! How will you ever find a husband with that muffin top? Here’s a starvation diet that will get you to a respectable weight and in the mean time here are some flattering clothes you need to wear so you look less disgusting!”

And when the women’s magazines got called out by some “feminazi”, someone came up with the brilliant phrase “happy weight” because “really, we care about health and being at a healthy weight makes you healthier and therefor happier!”

Well this feminazi ain’t buying that shit! Literally, I refuse to even pick up a Cosmo or Glamour because I am so sick of this shit! Especially Glamour who runs articles like this yet I have NEVER seen anyone heavier than 100lbs grace their cover without making a huge fucking deal about it. “LOOK AT US!!! ZOMG, WE PUT A FAT CHICK IN OUR MAGAZINE BECAUSE WE’RE PROGRESSIVE!!!” And of course the “fat chick” in question is like a size 12 at the most.

Seriously ladies, let’s quit comparing ourselves to models and celebrities and for the love of all things holy, quit giving the twatwaffles who print this filth our money!

If you really need your celebrity gossip fix, go to your local library, or better yet, subscribe to Ms.

WAAAAHHHH!!! But It’s Not Healthy!!! WAAAAHHHH!!!! Fat Shaming Epidemic, part 2, The Weight Police.

Sure enough, after yesterday’s blog post, some fuckstick started crying that “healthy at any size is myth!!!” while neither identifying them-self as a medical professional, nor citing any credible sources, and continued whining that my actions of standing up for myself were wrong because I’m soooo fat thus “unhealthy”.

Funny how these so-called “health advocates” AKA weight police don’t have the same outrage over tanning (proven to cause skin cancer, the number one killer of young women), smoking (proven to not only cause cancer in the smoker them-self, but to others in the vicinity), consumption of nitrates (found in many deli meats, including the “lean” varieties promoted by weight loss “experts” and proven to cause cancer),or  fasting and other extreme weight loss measures that are ineffective at best and at worst CAN FUCKING KILL YOU!

Equally funny is how these same twatwaffles are infuriated by women like Rebel Wilson or Melissa McCarthy having the audacity to appear on television while fat as these talented actresses are “setting a bad example” but don’t seem to mind the example the Kardashians or Hiltons are setting. Oh, and don’t even get me started on how this outrage is always directed at fat women, but fat men are seen as lovable, teddy-bear type characters, but I digress…

Anywho, just so we’re clear:

Obtaining fame from starring in a sex tape?  Totally cool. Great example for girls.

Appearing on television while being fat AND a woman?! Holy fucksocks!!!! The world is going to end!!! We may raise a generation of girls who don’t hate themselves! We may eradicate eating disorders! Oh, the humanity!!! What if young girls start thinking silly things like size isn’t relative to success?! *vapors*

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against porn, I don’t subscribe to the idea that it’s “empowering” and I don’t think it’s something a young person should aspire to be, but I don’t care what consenting adults do.

My point is that the overall message young girls get from women like the Hiltons or Kardashians is “As long as I’m skinny, pretty, sexy, and not too smart and don’t talk too much or express opinions of any kind, I’ll be rich and famous! Oh, I’d better not identify as a feminist either, boys REALLY hate feminist!”. But these weight police don’t seem to mind as long as they’re at a “healthy weight”.

But can you be healthy AND fat?

My answer to that is it doesn’t fucking matter because it’s nobody’s business!

Yes, I have friends who are fat and whose health I am concerned about, but my concern is based on the fact that I love them and want them to stick around, NOT an effort to feel superior because they’re heavier than me.

They’re not stupid, they know they’re fat, they don’t need me or anyone else to point it out, some have underlying health issues causing excessive weight, some don’t, but it’s none of my business.  It’s not my place to try to shame them into eating better or exercising more, and for all I know they just may live to be 100, but in the mean time, I focus on enjoying their company and friendship.  After all, I didn’t choose them to be my friends because I approve of the way they look, I chose them to be my friends because they’re great people and we have fun together.

Also, I fucking hate exercise with a passion that cannot be described with the English language, so it’s really not my place to suggest they do something that I absolutely abhor.

The closest thing I get to exercising is when I forget to fill up in the county and have to pump my own gas. (Yep, Prince George county still has gas stations with attendants who pump your gas)

A million weight police officers heads just exploded.

“SO YOU’RE NOT EVEN TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT?!?!?!!!!” they’re crying right now.

I’d rather die at 40 having spent my life doing whatever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I wanted to do it, than live to 100 having spent over half my life on a fucking treadmill.

Yesterday I shared tips to help recovering fat-shamers, today I’ll be sharing tips to deal with the weight police.

It’s pretty simple really, if someone is admonishing your dietary choices, a heartfelt “go fuck yourself” should do the trick. If you want to lessen the sting, you can add a “bless your heart”.

Here are some examples:

Your co-worker comments on your “greasy” lunch, you reply with an enthusiastic “go fuck yourself”.

Your significant other asks if you really need dessert, you tell them to go fuck them-self as you’re throwing all their belongings out the window.

Your great aunt warns that your size is hindering your chances of finding a husband, you tell her to go fuck herself, and if she’s over 80, add a “bless your heart”.

If you don’t recognize yourself as the fabulous, sexy, bitch you are, then you can’t expect others to do it for you. Acceptance begins with you. You have to stick up for yourself when others are trying to expound their superior intellect regarding your dietary choices.

There are times when the only way to deal with rudeness is with a sincere, heartfelt, emphatic, “go fuck yourself”. Sorry, Daddy, but “go fiddlestick yourself” just doesn’t have the same effect. 🙂

Photo stolen from Stop Fat Phobia

The Fat Shaming Epidemic

A couple of weeks ago, popular Facebook page Veganism Is The Future posted this photo:

Any dumbfuck can see that this is obviously not always the case, so I politely commented that not everyone who follows a healthy diet can look like the model in the image above and that this is a form of fat shaming and does not help the cause.

And then the comments started pouring in from the “compassionate” vegans saying that I was promoting an unhealthy lifestyle, that I’m obviously not following a vegan diet because I’m so fat, blah blah blah.

Then the admin of the page removed my original comment and continued to chastise me for my constructive criticism saying “You’re fat and I’m not going to sugarcoat things to make you feel better, you need to lose weight, I will not condone your unhealthy lifestyle”.

Needless to say, I lost my shit.

I blew up their wall with expletives and sent carefully worded (containing no feasible threats, this ain’t my first rodeo!) , expletive laden, messages to everyone who called me fat.

While on Facebook suspension, I had time to calm the fuck down, but I didn’t. I’m still angrier than a teabagger on election day and I’m going to vent here and watch the admins of Veganism Is The Future try to censor me.

Fat shaming is more of an epidemic than obesity will ever be. Period.

People are way more offended by a fat person having the audacity to enjoy a slice of cake in public than they are by a severely under-weight person smoking to keep their weight down, even though secondhand smoke is proven harmful to ones health while there’s no such thing as secondhand calories.

Countless articles report that those with an “apple” shape as opposed to a “pear” shape are at a higher risk of everything from diabetes to growing a penis out of your forehead.

I happen to be an “apple” and guess what? I CAN’T FUCKING CHANGE MY BODY TYPE!!!!

Those with darker skin tend to have a vitamin D deficiency, but can you imagine an article advising Black people to lighten their skin so as to absorb more vitamin D going over well?

As my DXH would say, “That’ll fly over like a turd in the punch bowl”.

So why is it okay to tell people like me to “reduce your waist circumference”?!

You might as well tell me to sprout wings and fly!

 Go fuck yourselves, JAMA!!!!!

“But fat people drive up the costs of health insurance for everyone!!!” -Dumb Fuckstick Twatwaffle

Bullshit!

Most fat people I know (myself included) avoid the doctor at all costs because no matter what you’re being seen for, whether it be a sinus infection or a lost condom (don’t ask, but folks with penises, there’s no shame in buying the “snugger fit” condoms), the medical “professionals” always bring it back to your weight.

I’m no doctor, but I’m certain that my ear infection has more to do with swimming in the nasty ass James river than my extra 50ish pounds, just write me a prescription for a z-pack and shut the fuck up! I mean, I already Googled my symptoms thus doing over half your work for you! You’re just a jackass in a lab coat, get over yourself!

“No wonder the obesity epidemic is out of control, just look at all those kids at the bus stop eating chips everyday” -Well intentioned but clueless soul

Would you even notice what they were eating if they weren’t fat? What you’re really saying is fat people don’t have a right to eat junk food. For all you know, that bag of chips may be all they have to eat for the entire day. Or maybe it isn’t, maybe they’re going to eat a KFC double down for lunch and an entire pizza for supper, either way, it’s none of your business and not your place to comment.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m infuriated by parents who have the means to feed their kids healthy food but choose to feed them junk and I often argue with my brother over the lack of vegetables in my nephews diets, but many people just don’t have access to healthy food (that’s a whole ‘notha post!).

“But, but, it’s just not healthy!!! I care about you and I just want you to be healthy!!!” -yet another dumb fuckstick twatwaffle

If you’re really worried about my health then my excessive pill consumption and cutting habit should rate far above my weight. Go fuck yourself. FYI, I don’t actually have a pill or cutting problem, but people who make statements like this wouldn’t notice if I did. Some people just feel superior because they’re skinny and it really slices their taint that I don’t hate myself.

If you just read this post and recognize yourself as a fat shamer, there’s good news, fat shaming has a cure!

All you have to do is shut the fuck up!

Seriously, it’s that simple!

See a fat woman wearing a halter top and feel the need to comment on her “rack in the back”?

Just shut the fuck up!

See a woman at the beach wearing a bikini and feel the need to point out her “butt in the front”?

Shut the fuck up!

Your fat friend is ordering a vegan burrito for lunch and you want to “help” them by pointing out that the salad is a lower calorie option?

Shut the fuck up!

Your fat friend selects a horizontal striped blouse and you think a solid color would be more “flattering”?

Shut the fuck up!

You suspect that a co-worker’s back problems would disappear if they lost weight?

You guessed it, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!

See, it’s easy! Fat shaming ends with YOU!

Oh, and one of the comments on the above graphic suggested that I must be a “real cow” as all of my FB photos were head-shots and if I have so much confidence then where were the full body photos. A little creepy that they went through all my pictures, but most of the photos of me were taken by me. I refuse to stand in front of a full length mirror and take a photo with my camera in the picture because I’m not in 8th grade, but anywho, here’s a full body photo. I’m not wearing Spanx, but I am holding my gut in a little:) Oh, and I was headed to an 80’s themed party so don’t judge the bow and shoulder pads. The pleather pants however are open to judgement.

Some call me “brave” for wearing horizontal stripes, I call it just wearing what the fuck I want.