Fuck Valentine’s Day!!! (Vegan Coconut Rum Balls)

Those of you who know me know how much I abhor holidays, and Valentine’s day falls right behind Christmas as the holiday I hate the most.

Mostly because it’s one big “fuck you” to single people. Why is it when someone is extolling the virtues of being in love and being someone’s “other half” (don’t even get me started on that phrase… *shudders*) that I’m expected to smile and nod in agreement, but when I talk about how great single life is and how I can spend my weekends wrapped in a snuggie, getting high and eating Cap’n Crunch while watching Lifetime movies all day, I’m met with shit like “Oh, don’t worry; you’ll find someone” or “Have you tried Okay Cupid?”?

I just want to scream “Bitch, did you not hear the part about me being happy?!”

I’m realistic, so I know that I’m not going to be single forever.  I have a job, I have a car, I can cook and I smell like cake- I’d do me, so obviously my single days are numbered which is why I’m living them up to their fullest.

If you’re not happy by yourself then you’re not going to be happy with someone either so if you’re single this V-day (whether you want to be or not) I suggest you do something that makes you happy.

For example, I’m going to spend this Valentine’s day drinking wine straight out of the box while watching some DVR’d Forensic Files in my drawers and eating rum balls.

Rum balls are the most perfect snack ever invented! They’re even better than having your cake and eating it too (what’s the point of having cake if you’re not going to eat it?), rum balls allow you to have your chocolate and your booze in one convenient, easy to carry confection!

I use Ghiradelli brand semi-sweet chocolate chips which are supposed to be vegan but the label warns that the product may contain milk. I’m sure they only say that to cover their ass but use your own discretion. I use Ghiradelli mostly because they’re the only things close to vegan chips I can find around here but rest assured that when I make something for a crowd that includes vegans I always make the trip to purchase Good Life brand which are certified vegan. Good Life chips are available at the Colonial Heights Martin’s but they tend to often be out of stock so buy a few bags when they do have them.

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Vegan Coconut Rum Balls:

1 cup vegan chocolate chips

2 cups graham cracker (Nabisco brand in the red box are vegan) or Oreo crumbs (I use a mix of both)

2 cups shredded coconut (or any nut), toasted, (To toast, spread evenly on a cookie sheet or jellyroll pan and place in an oven heated to 350 degrees for 10-15 minutes. Once they start to smell good, they’re ready)

1/4 cup coconut cream (like the kind used for pina coladas) or corn syrup (light or dark) or agave nectar (light or dark)

1/4 plain or flavored rum of your choice (I use coconut)

1 tablespoon vanilla extract

pinch of salt

1 cup powdered sugar

In a microwave safe bowl, melt chocolate chips in the microwave in 20 second increments, stirring with a rubber spatula until thoroughly melted, add remaining ingredients except for powdered sugar and stir until mixture resembles a cow patty (sorry, don’t know how else to describe it), taste and add more rum and/or sweetener to your liking (that’s the best thing about vegan cooking- no fear of salmonella), place bowl in the fridge for at least one hour and up to 24 hours, form dough into 1″ balls and roll in powdered sugar to coat. Makes about 30 balls. If you’re not trying to impress anybody you can skip the chilling and ball forming and just eat with a spoon.

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5 thoughts on “Fuck Valentine’s Day!!! (Vegan Coconut Rum Balls)

  1. Pingback: Puffy, Potatoey, Pillows of Heaven, AKA Vegan Samosas | hummuscidalmaniac

  2. Pingback: Fuck Valentines Day II | hummuscidalmaniac

  3. Pingback: Fuck Valentine’s Day III and Easy Vegan Crack Coffee | hummuscidalmaniac

  4. Pingback: Honest Valentines for Those You Tolerate | hummuscidalmaniac

  5. Pingback: A Valentine’s Gift For All Y’all Namby Pamby Bitchwad Dickwits | hummuscidalmaniac

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