FUCK CHICK-FIL-A!!!

By now you’ve heard about the bigoted douche-baggery of Chic-Fil-A and you’ve sworn them off until they get their act together. You have sworn them off, right? If not click here. I’ll wait…

I haven’t been to a Chic-Fil-A since I stopped eating meat, but I understand that I am the minority and most people are fretting over where to get their “chikin” sandwich and waffle fry fix.

Well fret no more, for you’re angry lesbian fairy godmother is here!

For those of you still eating meat, try the Chick-Fil-Gay sandwich, or better yet, try going vegan! You’ll earn extra points on your ‘L’ card:)

For a vegan chicken sandwich, I highly recommend Boca Spicy Chick-Patties. I fed these to my carnivore DXH on several occasions and he never knew the difference.

I’ve found that the easiest way to prepare a chick-patty is to wrap in a paper towel, microwave for 1 minute and then place in a toaster on medium setting. Takes less than 2 minutes and is perfectly crunchy on the outside.

I serve this on a toasted potato bread roll with plenty of Earth Balance melted on it and topped with lettuce, tomato, onion, sliced avocado,  eggplant “bacon”, and of course, 2 pickle slices.

“But what about the waffle fries?” you ask?

Fuck waffle fries!

Have frips instead!

Frips are a hybrid of fries and chips and are healthier than waffle fries because they are not contaminated with hateful assholes posing as Christians.

Frips:

1 medium russet potato per person

vegetable oil

salt, pepper, garlic powder and onion powder to taste

Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Rinse and pat dry each potato, place potatoes in microwave for 3 minutes (no need to poke with a fork, potatoes won’t be in microwave long enough to explode), take potatoes out of microwave and allow to cool for 5-10 minutes, (depending on how tough your hands are) and remove skins by rubbing with a kitchen towel (optional, the skins are a great source of vitamins and fiber so I like to leave them on) and slice into rounds with a sharp knife somewhere between 1/4″ and 1/2″ thick. You want them thicker than a chip, but not as thick as a fry, hence the name “frips”. Generously grease a jellyroll pan with vegetable oil and place potatoes in an even layer and season to your liking. This is one of the rare instances where I recommend garlic powder as opposed to fresh garlic as fresh garlic will burn and not stick to the potatoes. Get creative with the spices, sometimes I use turmeric and paprika for a curry-like flavor and sometimes I add chili powder. There is no right or wrong way to season them. Place jellyroll pan in preheated oven and bake for 20 minutes. Remove from oven, flip frips with a spatula, add more seasonings and place back into oven for an additional 20 minutes. Allow to cool for 5-10minutes before serving.

I make this recipe often but I never have a chance to get a picture as my family devours them within seconds (by “family” I mean me). Photo will be uploaded next time I make them, I promise:)

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Broke Ass Dinner For A Broke Ass Date

Growing up in Surry County/Prince George (I claim both, it just depends on what socially unacceptable behavior I’m trying to justify doing) with its proximity to the Jamestown Ferry, I’ve been on more than one broke-ass date that consisted of riding the ferry back and forth. Hello! I’ve lived here my whole life! Like I don’t know the ferry’s free?! But I digress.

One broke ass date in particular really sticks out in my mind. It’s one of those traumatizing experiences that will scar me for the rest of my life. (BTW, the person in this story is the same winner mentioned here)

It was Valentine’s day, 2004. I was dating an asshole henceforth referred to as “Dork Face”.

I knew that Dork Face had no money and I was broke as well, so when Valentine’s day rolled around I suggested a quiet evening of Blockbuster rentals (remember Blockbuster?)

Dork Face insisted on taking me out, and given my propensity for relenting to intercourse after a ravioli induced coma, he suggested Olive Garden (This was before I quit eating meat and fucking men, of course)

I drove as Dork Face did not have gas money for his truck (Did I mention that I had self-esteem issues?)

We took the ferry across the chlordecone contaminated James River and arrived without incident. We waited outside for about 45 minutes as not only was it Valentine’s day, but also a Saturday.

About 20 minutes into our wait, Dork Face saw fit to mention that I should feel privileged that he was missing NASCAR qualifying (QUALIFYING, not even the actual race!) to spend time with me thus I had best “behave” myself and not embarrass him by:

a) asking for a coloring book (I have ADD and I only do that during especially long wait times!)

b) asking for a balloon (There’s no age limit on balloons!)

c) requesting their finest bottle of Thunderbird when asked if I would like to see the wine list (I don’t care who you are, that shit’s funny!)

d) requesting a visit from the Shoney’s bear (again, that shit’s funny!) or

e) using my tip card (a credit card size slip of cardboard with appropriate tip amounts listed, this was before they came standard on cell phones, for those of you under 20, also, I only ever used this discreetly because I am VERY bad at math and there’s a special place in hell for bad tippers!)

Unfortunately for Dork Face, he neglected to forbid me from throwing my cell phone at his head and learned that the hard way… sort of…. apparently my crazy eye gave away that I had ill will in mind and as I drew my shoulder back and set aim, he ducked. My phone landed square on the windshield of a white Cavalier, promptly setting off the alarm (Who the fuck alarms a Cavalier?!)

The other patrons pretended not to notice, either because they felt sorry for me for spending Valentine’s day with a less sexy version of Tom Petty, or because they were freaked out by my crazy eye and afraid to confront me.

I did the walk of shame to retrieve my much needed cell phone (Why do I always throw things that I need back?) and sat down beside Dork Face without saying a word.

Our pager-doohicky lit up and started buzzing letting us know that our table was ready.

Dork Face proceeded to order beer and appetizers in addition to his entree and encouraged me to order one of the most expensive items on the menu. I obliged, assuming that he was attempting to make up for behaving like a jackass.

Then our bill came…

Dork Face reached into his pocket and retrieved 3 single dollar bills while letting out a deep sigh.

I ignored him.

He then held the check in one hand and the $3 in the other, glanced at them both and let out a louder sigh.

I excused myself to the restroom and hung out long enough for him to have the check payed for and returned to the table to find him still staring between the check and the $3 and sighing!

I snatched the bill from his hand and slammed my emergency only credit card inside.

Dork Face then offered to leave the tip and placed $3 on the table.

$3 on a $35 tab. Un-be-fucking-lievable!

I told him not to bother and left an appropriate tip with my emergency credit card.

Moral of the story; there isn’t one, I just needed to vent.

But seriously, there are alternatives to douche baggery!

If you ever find yourself in need of feeding a significant other, but lack the funds to go out, try this super-easy, super-cheap *ahem* inexpensive, super-tasty, quiche!

Doesn’t the word quiche sound fancy?

You will need silken tofu for this recipe. If your grocery store has an ethnic aisle you can probably find shelf-stable Mori-Nu brand for less than $2 for a 12oz box. This is a great item to stock up on.

Much to my mother’s chagrin, I have not mastered the art of a homemade pie crust so I use the kind found in the dairy case. Pilsbury brand is vegan as are many generic or store brands, but read the label to be sure.

Vegan Quiche:

1 refrigerated pie crust (unfold into 9″ pie pan & set aside)

1-2 tablespoons vegetable oil or Earth Balance

1 small onion, diced

3-4 large cloves of garlic, minced

2 cups fresh or frozen spinach, broccoli, cauliflower, squash, zucchini or mushrooms, or any combination of the above

salt & freshly cracked black pepper

1 12-14oz package silken tofu (soft or firm)

1/4 cup non-dairy milk (I use coconut) or vegetable broth

a few grates of fresh nutmeg

generous pinch of turmeric (for color)

1 teaspoon paprika

salt & freshly cracked black pepper

Sriracha to taste (optional, the great thing about vegan cooking is that you can taste as you cook without risk of salmonella!)

Preheat oven to 400 degrees, heat  skillet to medium heat with oil or E.B. and add onions, saute for 5-8 minutes until onions are translucent and add garlic, veggies, salt & pepper and if you like a curry-like flavor, add 1/2 teaspoon turmeric, add 2-4 tablespoons of water or vegetable broth if things seem to be sticking to the pan, reduce heat to low and cover loosely while you prepare the “eggs”

In a blender, add tofu (no need to drain) and remaining ingredients and an additional 2-4 cloves of fresh garlic (if you love garlic as much as I do) and blend until smooth. Taste and add more spices as you see fit. I always add a LOT more Sriracha and fresh nutmeg.

Now check on your veggies, it takes about 10 minutes for them to become tender enough, you don’t need them to be too tender because the quiche has a long bake time. When they reach the point where they could use a couple more minutes to become fork-tender they’re ready.

Now empty the skillet directly into your pie plate. If you wish to add 1-2 cups of shredded vegan “cheeze”, you can layer on top of veggies, then pour the contents of blender over veggies (BTW, tofu mixture also makes a great dip for chips and/or raw veggies, when using as a dip, I add a can of Ro-tel and it becomes Velveeta-like. Classy!)

Place quiche in preheated oven and bake for 45 minutes. Allow quiche to sit for 15 minutes before serving.

Great served with a simple plate of sliced garden tomatoes (Garden tomatoes only! Don’t bother with those crappy, mealy, pink orbs at the grocery store, grow your own or visit a farmers market!) sprinkled with fresh basil, salt and freshly cracked pepper:)

She Just Ain’t That Into You; Dating Tips For Straight Guys

Once upon a time I dated men, so for nostalgia’s sake I recently picked up a copy of He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo.

Now I remember why I returned it; this book is shit!

While some of the advice is spot on, Greg is quite condescending and at times downright sexist. His main goal is to make us girls feel like we are just too stupid and naive to comprehend something as complicated as dating and that we should feel special and grateful if any man finds us attractive and/or interesting enough to ask us out. Oh, and then there’s the old “don’t have sex on the first date or he’ll think you’re a whore!”

What about what I think of him?

Before I get to the dating tips for straight guys, I must first address the ladies:

Fuck whoever you fucking want to fuck! Don’t feel like you have to make him or her “work for it”! If you want to fuck and they want to fuck then fucking fuck already! The same is true if you don’t want to fuck. If you don’t want to fuck then don’t, but don’t judge others for fucking when they want to! Oh, and ALWAYS use protection! (Yes, even for oral!)

And don’t believe any shit written by Tracy McMillan

Can I get an amen? Can I get an amen again?

Now moving on to the tips for straight guys; ever notice how there are no books of a similar nature for guys? My theory is that men typically just don’t read self help books and even if they wanted to, they don’t want to be seen purchasing them, so out of the kindness of my heart I am offering free advice that no one has to know that you’re reading! You’re welcome, society:)

So here are 10 tips in no particular order:

1) If a lady tells you she’s gay, then she’s either gay or just wants you to get lost. Either way, move on and spare her the details of how you “totally had sex with a lesbian once and after that she was straight”.

That has never happened.

Does it not sound stupid to you as you’re saying it?

2) If you’re trying to hit on a lady with tattoos and you are not fond of tattoos, do NOT say something like “what’s a pretty girl like you doing with all those tattoos?” Not going home with you, that’s what she’s doing! Also, tattoos are NOT an invitation to touch, and don’t ask her “what do they mean?” they mean she fucking like tattoos! If you find her attractive but tattoos are a deal breaker then move on. If you find her attractive and tattoos are NOT a deal breaker there is no need to treat her any different than an un-tattoo’d lady.

3) If you’re trying to hit on a lady with tattoos and you ARE a fan of tattoos, do NOT try to impress her by showing her your barbed wire, Chinese letter, Tasmanian Devil, Confederate flag and/or fraternity brand. Simply compliment her artwork, ask her where she has it done and if she is interested she will ASK if you have any, at which point you may show her your tattoos. Also, if you received any of your tattoos while incarcerated, in a basement by someone who purchased their tattoo gun on e-bay or a self stick and poke while intoxicated, just jump off of a bridge.

4) Always ASK for a dance. DO NOT just start grinding your junk on a lady.

5) Understand that us girls are conditioned to refrain from hurting anyone’s feelings. Chances are we will accept if you ask us to dance and we will probably give you our number if you ask. Pay attention to the cues you receive later. If she doesn’t return your calls or texts, move on! We are not playing hard to get we are playing “don’t want to hurt your feelings”.

6) Don’t ask for a girls number if you have no intention of calling. That’s just plain rude and there is a special place in hell for dicks like you.

7) If you brag about how great you are at sex, we’re going to assume that you’re awful at sex. Show, don’t tell.

8) Everyone is different, but for the most part we don’t want to hear about your car, truck, tractor, lawn mower or boat anymore than you want to hear about our periods. I personally don’t give a fuck whether your truck has a “small block” or a “big block” nor do I give a fuck about “duel overhead cams” or “turning radius”.

9) Cooking for a lady is nice, unless you don’t know how to cook. I once spent 5 days in ICU after a guy cooked for me. I later found out that he had thawed the chicken (pre-vegan days, don’t judge me!) on the counter for 2 fucking days! If you don’t know how to cook, either make something idiot proof  (any of my recipes should work:) ) or take her to a restaurant, you cheap ass! Yeah, we know that you’re only attempting to cook because it’s cheaper than going out. Nice try.

10) This should go without saying, but the following are NOT good date ideas:

a) car or truck show

b) flea market

c) yard sale

d) mud mog

e) court

f) gun/knife shows

g) your mother and/or grandmother’s house or trailer

h) ANY NASCAR event (races, driver meet & greets, etc)

i) Hooters

j) your BFF’s restaurant located 50miles off the interstate that serves shitty food, doesn’t have air conditioning and considers confederate flags for curtains “decor”

k) your ex-girlfriends house (especially if said ex-girlfriend is running a puppy mill and trying to sell your current girlfriend an inbred, parvo-ridden chihuahua for the “bargain” price of $400, for the record, yes I did report her)

l) Bass Pro Shops

m)  your “home boy’s crib” to borrow money for the date

n) the junk yard

o) Sam’s club (unless they’re having a wine tasting)

It should be common sense not to take a lady on a date to any of the places listed above, but as I’ve been taken on a date to ALL of the above places, some people apparently need to be told not to.