Growing up in Surry County/Prince George (I claim both, it just depends on what socially unacceptable behavior I’m trying to justify doing) with its proximity to the Jamestown Ferry, I’ve been on more than one broke-ass date that consisted of riding the ferry back and forth. Hello! I’ve lived here my whole life! Like I don’t know the ferry’s free?! But I digress.
One broke ass date in particular really sticks out in my mind. It’s one of those traumatizing experiences that will scar me for the rest of my life. (BTW, the person in this story is the same winner mentioned here)
It was Valentine’s day, 2004. I was dating an asshole henceforth referred to as “Dork Face”.
I knew that Dork Face had no money and I was broke as well, so when Valentine’s day rolled around I suggested a quiet evening of Blockbuster rentals (remember Blockbuster?)
Dork Face insisted on taking me out, and given my propensity for relenting to intercourse after a ravioli induced coma, he suggested Olive Garden (This was before I quit eating meat and fucking men, of course)
I drove as Dork Face did not have gas money for his truck (Did I mention that I had self-esteem issues?)
We took the ferry across the chlordecone contaminated James River and arrived without incident. We waited outside for about 45 minutes as not only was it Valentine’s day, but also a Saturday.
About 20 minutes into our wait, Dork Face saw fit to mention that I should feel privileged that he was missing NASCAR qualifying (QUALIFYING, not even the actual race!) to spend time with me thus I had best “behave” myself and not embarrass him by:
a) asking for a coloring book (I have ADD and I only do that during especially long wait times!)
b) asking for a balloon (There’s no age limit on balloons!)
c) requesting their finest bottle of Thunderbird when asked if I would like to see the wine list (I don’t care who you are, that shit’s funny!)
d) requesting a visit from the Shoney’s bear (again, that shit’s funny!) or
e) using my tip card (a credit card size slip of cardboard with appropriate tip amounts listed, this was before they came standard on cell phones, for those of you under 20, also, I only ever used this discreetly because I am VERY bad at math and there’s a special place in hell for bad tippers!)
Unfortunately for Dork Face, he neglected to forbid me from throwing my cell phone at his head and learned that the hard way… sort of…. apparently my crazy eye gave away that I had ill will in mind and as I drew my shoulder back and set aim, he ducked. My phone landed square on the windshield of a white Cavalier, promptly setting off the alarm (Who the fuck alarms a Cavalier?!)
The other patrons pretended not to notice, either because they felt sorry for me for spending Valentine’s day with a less sexy version of Tom Petty, or because they were freaked out by my crazy eye and afraid to confront me.
I did the walk of shame to retrieve my much needed cell phone (Why do I always throw things that I need back?) and sat down beside Dork Face without saying a word.
Our pager-doohicky lit up and started buzzing letting us know that our table was ready.
Dork Face proceeded to order beer and appetizers in addition to his entree and encouraged me to order one of the most expensive items on the menu. I obliged, assuming that he was attempting to make up for behaving like a jackass.
Then our bill came…
Dork Face reached into his pocket and retrieved 3 single dollar bills while letting out a deep sigh.
I ignored him.
He then held the check in one hand and the $3 in the other, glanced at them both and let out a louder sigh.
I excused myself to the restroom and hung out long enough for him to have the check payed for and returned to the table to find him still staring between the check and the $3 and sighing!
I snatched the bill from his hand and slammed my emergency only credit card inside.
Dork Face then offered to leave the tip and placed $3 on the table.
$3 on a $35 tab. Un-be-fucking-lievable!
I told him not to bother and left an appropriate tip with my emergency credit card.
Moral of the story; there isn’t one, I just needed to vent.
But seriously, there are alternatives to douche baggery!
If you ever find yourself in need of feeding a significant other, but lack the funds to go out, try this super-easy, super-cheap *ahem* inexpensive, super-tasty, quiche!
Doesn’t the word quiche sound fancy?
You will need silken tofu for this recipe. If your grocery store has an ethnic aisle you can probably find shelf-stable Mori-Nu brand for less than $2 for a 12oz box. This is a great item to stock up on.
Much to my mother’s chagrin, I have not mastered the art of a homemade pie crust so I use the kind found in the dairy case. Pilsbury brand is vegan as are many generic or store brands, but read the label to be sure.
1 refrigerated pie crust (unfold into 9″ pie pan & set aside)
1-2 tablespoons vegetable oil or Earth Balance
1 small onion, diced
3-4 large cloves of garlic, minced
2 cups fresh or frozen spinach, broccoli, cauliflower, squash, zucchini or mushrooms, or any combination of the above
salt & freshly cracked black pepper
1 12-14oz package silken tofu (soft or firm)
1/4 cup non-dairy milk (I use coconut) or vegetable broth
a few grates of fresh nutmeg
generous pinch of turmeric (for color)
1 teaspoon paprika
salt & freshly cracked black pepper
Sriracha to taste (optional, the great thing about vegan cooking is that you can taste as you cook without risk of salmonella!)
Preheat oven to 400 degrees, heat skillet to medium heat with oil or E.B. and add onions, saute for 5-8 minutes until onions are translucent and add garlic, veggies, salt & pepper and if you like a curry-like flavor, add 1/2 teaspoon turmeric, add 2-4 tablespoons of water or vegetable broth if things seem to be sticking to the pan, reduce heat to low and cover loosely while you prepare the “eggs”
In a blender, add tofu (no need to drain) and remaining ingredients and an additional 2-4 cloves of fresh garlic (if you love garlic as much as I do) and blend until smooth. Taste and add more spices as you see fit. I always add a LOT more Sriracha and fresh nutmeg.
Now check on your veggies, it takes about 10 minutes for them to become tender enough, you don’t need them to be too tender because the quiche has a long bake time. When they reach the point where they could use a couple more minutes to become fork-tender they’re ready.
Now empty the skillet directly into your pie plate. If you wish to add 1-2 cups of shredded vegan “cheeze”, you can layer on top of veggies, then pour the contents of blender over veggies (BTW, tofu mixture also makes a great dip for chips and/or raw veggies, when using as a dip, I add a can of Ro-tel and it becomes Velveeta-like. Classy!)
Place quiche in preheated oven and bake for 45 minutes. Allow quiche to sit for 15 minutes before serving.
Great served with a simple plate of sliced garden tomatoes (Garden tomatoes only! Don’t bother with those crappy, mealy, pink orbs at the grocery store, grow your own or visit a farmers market!) sprinkled with fresh basil, salt and freshly cracked pepper:)