Social Commentary & Strawberry Pie

Far too much has happened in the past week for me to possibly fit into a single, snarky, passive aggressive Facebook post, so before we get to the pie, here’s my take on the headlines:

1) Bristol Palin. In case your missed her asinine blog post you can read it here, but the gist of it is that she opposes marriage equality on the grounds of children needing a mother and father in order to thrive and that president Obama allows his daughters to watch too much Glee . 

Yeah, my head imploded when I read that too.

Now she alleges to have received death threats in response to her “standing up for traditional marriage”.

The “threats” she refers to are actually more like people opining that the world would be better off if she were dead.

I disagree with this sentiment; in fact, I’m glad that people like her exist because they prove that you don’t have to be poor or a Southerner to be an ignorant piece of  White trash. The Palin family in general contains more white trash than the dumpster at the paper factory.

Earlier this year she was whining that President Obama called Sandra Fluke to check on her after she was called a slut by Rush Limbaugh but he never called her when she was under media scrutiny for her teen pregnancy.

Um… What?

Going by her “logic” every American that has a bad day should expect a phone call from the president.

It’s normal to expect a phone call from close friends and family when you’re going through a rough time, but to expect a phone call from the president is a clear sign of an entitlement complex.

President Obama had the perfect opportunity during the 2008 election to slam both Bristol for her pregnancy at the age of 17 and her mother for giving birth after the age of 40 knowing the increased risk of Down Syndrome among other complications, yet he took the moral high road. When asked to respond to reports of Bristol’s pregnancy, he simply replied “My mother had me at 18”.

That took class.

President Obama may have handled the situation like a gentleman, but in some situations I simply lose the capacity to behave as a lady.

Bristol Palin, you are a self righteous cunt and an embarrassment to womankind. Don’t even get me started on your vow to remain abstinent until you get married, that’s a whole ‘notha blog! It looks like the White trash apple didn’t fall far from the stupid bitch tree! Do the world a favor and have yourself spayed… oh, wait, that would be too much like a woman making her own health care decisions *horrors*! Bless your heart.

2) Pat Robertson. Need I say more? In one week he both purported that gay marriage (or marriage equality, as I like to call it) causes “diseases and suffering” and suggested that statues of Buddha be destroyed.

Yeah because Jesus had a LOT to say about hating gays and destroying property so that makes perfect sense! Oh… wait…

Seriously, why is this old fucker not in a home yet?

3)Tracy Thorne-Begland. This link says it all. For people who wonder why I bother with my activism, this is just one reason; a highly qualified candidate for judge (who wouldn’t even be presiding over GLBT issues) not voted in because he is gay.

I’ve never been more ashamed of my home state.

“But wait; if you hate Virginia so much, why don’t you leave?” -Dumb Fucking Redneck

Because Virginia is my home. I was born and raised here and my family is here. I refuse to be forced out by our misogynistic douche-bag governor or any other cunt-waffle in our state government. By the time I’m ready to get married again my grandparents will be at least 90; why should they have to travel hundreds of miles just because some bureaucrat doesn’t want me to get married in my home state?

And now the recipe I promised y’all:

Love Shoney’s famous strawberry pie, but wish you could enjoy it without the slaughter of innocent animals (gelatin) and the company of nonagenarians complaining that the air conditioning is too cold and their coffee is too hot along with explicit details of their latest colonoscopy mishaps?

This pie is the answer to your prayers.

Don’t freak out about the dates in this recipe; you won’t even taste them, I promise! Also, this pie is a bit messier than non-vegan strawberry pie, I’ve heard that agar-agar can help but I haven’t tried it yet as I live in the middle of fucking nowhere.

Vegan Strawberry Pie:

For the crust:

1 package (1/3 of a box) of graham crackers (Nabisco brand in the red box is vegan, no honey)

4 tablespoons Earth Balance Buttery Spread, melted

Crush the graham crackers in food processor, blender or in a zip-lock with the back of a skillet and place crumbs directly into pie pan. Add melted E.B. and stir until well blended then using your fingers, press into pie pan, pushing some of the mixture up the sides.

For the filling:

4 cups ripe strawberries, sliced

1 cup whole strawberries (remove the green tops)

5 pitted dates, soaked in hot water for 10 minutes

juice of 1 lemon

2 tablespoons sugar

1/4 teaspoon almond exstract

Arrange sliced strawberries in crust and set aside. In a blender add the remaining ingredients and blend until smooth. Pour mixture over sliced strawberries and allow to sit in fridge for at least 1 hour.  Serves 1 angry lesbian with food issues or 6 “normal” people. Taste best on day 2.

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The Shampoo Girl Diaries; One Year Later & Vegan 7 Layer Taco Dip

I don’t know how the spa is doing. They may be facing bankruptcy or they may be booming. Either way, I don’t give a fuck because I am doing FABULOUSLY!

One year ago today I was unemployed,(after being fired from a job that I HATED!) making payments on a car that wasn’t even running, borrowing my mom’s ride to get around, living on my parent’s couch and just feeling worthless in general.

Today I have a job that I LOVE with no co-workers to whine about my undergarments (or lack thereof). It doesn’t pay a lot, but it helps fund what I REALLY want to do (write).

My car is back on the road, almost paid for ( I just made the 31st payment out of 60, that’s “almost”) and riding FABULOUSLY!

I’m 14lbs lighter, with NO boob shrinkage;)

I’ve met my idol (Dr. Rita Mae Brown) THREE times!

I’m single therefore I do pretty much whatever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want to do it (except naked Sundays. I do still live at home:/ But hey, that’s just less responsibility that I have:))

Why am I telling you this, you ask?

No fucking reason, I just felt like bragging:) J.K.

My point is that most periods of suckiness (it’s a word; look it up in the nictionary) are temporary. It doesn’t feel that way at the time, but it is.

There are times when I’m so depressed that I *gasp* don’t even feel like cooking!

I’m sure that you too, dear readers, feel the same way from time to time so while you’re waiting for things to get better, which they will,(or maybe they won’t. Maybe you killed a lot of people in a past life and you’re just now receiving your karmic retribution. I don’t fucking know) but whether things get better or not, you can always look forward to vegan 7 layer taco dip:)

Warning: This recipe makes a shit-ton of dip, so it’s best for when you’re either really depressed or need to make something quick and effortless for a pot-luck.

Even though I make this all the time, I always finish it before I can take a picture, which is probably a good thing as beans to not photograph well, but next time I make it, I will add a picture.

Layer 1 takes the longest (20-40 minutes, depending on if you use Boca crumbles* or lentils), but if you’re pressed for time, or just feeling lazy, it’s okay to skip and call it “Vegan 6 layer dip”.

What I love about this dip, other than it being insanely delicious (especially for being so quick an easy) is that it’s also cheap and versatile.

If you don’t like or can’t find one of the ingredients (like sour supreme*) you can just leave it out or replace it with more of another ingredient (like salsa).

This recipe is vegan, gluten free (leave out the sour supreme to make it soy free), contains a full serving of vegetables in addition to fiber, protein and “good” fats, and tastes even better on day 2. You can’t ask for more than that from a humble bean dish when you’re feeling like shit!

Of course, if you’re not feeling shitty, you can make all the layers from scratch and/or replace the canned beans with Dummus.

My good friend, Kate makes the BEST salsa and guacamole EVER and I will eventually shake her down until she agrees to be a guest blogger, but for now, I recommend Newman’s Own pineapple salsa*, and Wholly Guacamole*.

I’m not a fan of pre-mixed seasonings in general, but many packets of taco seasoning mix contain either dairy (in the form of dried milk) and/or MSG, which is known to cause headaches, so I make my own mix. For every 2 cups of protein (beans, boca crumbles or tofu) I use the following:

2-3 tablespoons chili powder

1 teaspoon cumin

1 teaspoon sugar

pinch of turmeric

salt & pepper

I don’t use garlic or onion powder because I prefer to use them fresh but if you don’t have them on hand, use 2 teaspoons of each.

And now the recipe:

Vegan 7 Layer Taco Dip 

1 can of re-fried beans (check the label as many brands contain lard) or 2 cups of dummus

2 tablespoons neutral tasting oil (light olive oil, peanut or canola)

taco seasoning mix (recipe above)

1 cup dried lentils or 1 package boca crumbles

2-3 cloves of garlic, minced

1 small sweet onion, diced

1 can rotel (tomatoes and chilis)

1 rotel can of water (if using lentils)

1 jar salsa

1 package wholly guacamole*

2 cups shredded cabbage (I use the pre-shredded coleslaw mix kind)

1 tub sour supreme or vegan sour cream of your choice*

1 small jar sliced black olives

tortilla chips for serving.

Step 1) In a microwave safe bowl, empty can of beans and nuke for one minute. Spread warm beans (or dummus) in the bottom of a large casserole dish or tupperware (I use the gladware that are shaped like shoe boxes)

step 2) Heat the oil over medium heat in a skillet for 1 minute. Add onions, garlic and spice mix and saute for 5-10 minutes, until onion are soft. If using boca crumbles, add now and saute for 10 minutes then add rotel and cook for 10 minutes more. If using lentils add them now along with rotel and water and simmer for 30 minutes . Spread crumbles or lentils over beans. Allow to cool for 10 minutes.

step 3) Spread the salsa over the second layer followed by guacamole, cabbage, and  vegan sour cream. Sprinkle sliced olives over sour cream and if you feel like getting fancy, add sliced jalapenos and cilantro as well. Serve with tortilla chips and your favorite box of wine.

4) put on your footy pajamas and snuggie, secure a cat or 2 in your lap and watch those 9 different court shows that you have DVR’d.

*I’ve found all of these items at both Kroger and Martins. The Martins in Colonial Heights even carries Daya brand vegan cheeses which are tasty as well as soy & gluten free, but kind of expensive. Feel free to add an eighth layer of Daya Cheddar over the cabbage layer.

The Princess & The Chickpea; The Dramatic Conclusion

After months of preparation Princess Nicolette presented the ogres with the challenge of a mud jousting competition with the condition that the loser must leave Sharvonia for good.

On the first warm day of Spring the jousting commenced. Princess Katia and Patrick cheered as Princess Nicolette strode in on Prince Bubba’s mud horse, Village Pimpin’.

The ogres cheered as their lead ogre, Toby Kieth, strode in on his mud donkey, America’s Best.

Donny, the village idiot was acting as referee.

“Ladies and gentlemen, please remove your hats and rise for our national anthem” Donny announced. The crowd bowed their heads solemnly as Billy Ray Cyrus’s Achey Breaky Heart played on the loudspeaker.

“Don’t tell my heart, indeed!” Donny exclaimed with tears welling up in his eyes after the song was over. “I’m sorry, I get emotional every time that song is played” he explained.

The crowd nodded in agreement, many with tears streaming down their faces.

Princess Nicolette felt tears welling up in her eyes as well as she couldn’t believe her profound ironic misfortune of living every little girls dream of being a princess, but of a village that chose Achey Breaky Heart as its anthem.

“Who’s ready to get ‘R’ done?!” Donny asked the audience. The crowd cheered wildly. Queen Bea and King Bubba Jr started jumping up and down yelling “Show ’em what you’re made of , baby!” Princess Katia and Patrick held up their banner that they had saved from a recent Dixie Chicks concert which read “F. U. T. K.”  Prince Bubba III and his wife, Woman, held up a banner that read “Boogedy Boogedy Boogedy!”

“Ladies and gentlemen, START YOUR ENGINES!!!” Donny shouted. “BOOGEDY BOOGEDY BOOGEDY!!!”

Though they had no engines to start,  Princess Nicolette deduced that the time for jousting had begun and drew her weapon. As she was making her way towards Toby Keith, A sudden flash of blue lights and the piercing sound of sirens caught her attention.

Just as she suspected,  it was Sheriff Douche-A-Lot and his cronies.

“Good afternoon officers” the princess greeted them in an effort to be cordial. “What brings thee out to the mud park?”

“We had a report of villagers having fun and as thee know, us G.E.D. dropouts who have never known the sweetness of pussy cannot have that! We’re shutting this down and placing thee under arrest!”

Princess Nicolette lost the ability to remain cordial.

“Oh, Hades to the negative thou art not!” She exclaimed. “Do Thee know who the fornication Thine am?! Thine not breaking any laws!”

The king and queen hung their heads in shame.  Toby Keith and the ogres backed away slowly in an effort to avoid prison.

“Get back here Toby mother-fornicating Kieth! This jousting is going DOWN!” Princess Nicolette shouted.

“That’s where thou is wrong, for the only thing going down is this establishment!” Sheriff Douche-A-Lot said as he removed his aviators and turned his head to the audience, C.S.I. style.

The crowd boo’d loudly.

“Stop booing or I’ll arrest  and cavity search everyone here!” Sheriff Douche-A-Lot shouted but was inaudible over the chorus of boos.

Suddenly, the crowd started cheering wildly and club music started playing. Princess Nicolette turned on Village Pimpin’ to see what was going on and she spotted a tour bus drive right through the middle of the mud hole!

“What in tarnation?!” King Bubba Jr exclaimed.

The doors of the bus opened and two gentlemen with afros, wearing leopard print leggings  and sequins all over emerged.

“Sky blue and Redfoo of LMFAO?! What art thee doing here in Sharvonia?” The princess asked.

“Well, we were looking for a recipe for crunk juice and stumbled upon your beautifully well written and hilarious blog” Sky Blu explained “So we just HAD to meet the creator of such delicious, yet easy and affordable vegan recipes! May we have your autograph?”

“Blog?! Crunk Juice?! Autograph?! All of those things sound like fun! Thee two are under arrest as well!” Sheriff Douche-A-Lot shouted, his face and bald spot turning red.

“Wait just a minute” Redfoo said “I think I have a solution. Why don’t you fine officers allow us to give you guys makeovers”

“A makeover?!” Sheriff Douche-A-Lot asked “How will a makeover solve anything?”

“A makeover will allow thee to get laid” Redfoo explained.

“Okay, we’re in” Sheriff Douche-A-Lot and his cronies all nodded their heads in agreement.

“Awesome” Sky Blu said “While our team works on them, I’d like to share a song we wrote. We have what is called mud bogging where we’re from so this song is called Sorry For Mud Bogging”

The crowd cheered wildly as they they sang.

“Sorry for mud bogging

I’ll be up in the mud hole, looking for a stump to jump

I got a beer in my hand

and need to use a port-a-john

people always sayin’ that my truck is loud

sorry for mud bogging

haters don’t like, we got the Bud Light

sorry for mud bogging

when they talk shit, we just be like

sorry for mud bogging

baby baby baby, I’m awful dirty

in the river, the swamp, the pond, whatever’s muddy

we ain’t got no manners

truck nuts hanging off bumpers

let’s go shot for shot of SoCo

a hundred bucks you don’t outlast us

check my truck, take a good look

she’s a fast bitch

playin’ Hank Jr so loud we’re deaf bitch

we’ll pull you out of any ditch”

The crowd danced and even Toby Kieth busted a few moves!

After the song was over Sheriff Douche-A-Lot and his cronies emerged from the tour bus wearing zebra print leggings and hot pink muscle shirts.

“I’ll tell you what” Sheriff Douche-A-Lot said to Princess Nicolette “Now that I’m sexy and I know it, I don’t hate fun anymore! But I can’t condone mud jousting, it’s too dangerous. How about you and the ogres call a truce and we all enjoy some crunk juice?”

“Deal!” Princess Nicolette agreed and they all partook of the crunk juice and not a fornication was given and they all lived happily ever after!

*The End*